Following the Florida legislation this week, modestly tightening gun laws, a secret meeting of the NRA leadership and its major donors took place early today in the nation’s capital. Posing as a waiter, serving coffee and doughnuts, our reporter was there, and here is her story:
In a small, dark room situated in a bunker below the Washington Monument and rarely used except in nuclear attacks, a worried Wayne LaPierre, head of the NRA, opened the meeting by lamenting the new law passed by the Florida legislature this week. “We are in deep trouble,” he told the group of 25 distressed men, “This is the first incursion on our basic liberties since the communist-inspired ban on assault weapons in 1993. It is an act of war. If other states start to pass this kind of hideous, unconstitutional infringement on our most sacred right of owning and shooting any kind of weapon we want, anytime we want, and anywhere we want, we are toast. We have to fight it with all that we have.”
When asked what the options were, Mr. LaPierre listed the usual actions starting with tripling the support for pro gun candidates at all levels of government and describing a detailed, hate-and-dirty-tricks campaign against any candidate supporting stronger gun laws. The goal, he said, was not just to stop the “No Guns Movement” but to obliterate those he called “traitors and child killers” and to obliterate them “once and for all.”
After some discussion six of the major donors including the Koch Brothers and several of the gun manufacturers pledged an additional one billion dollars each in contributions in 2018. Instead of expressing gratitude Mr. LaPierre grimly faced his benefactors and stated, “Gentlemen, that is not enough.”
“We are now at war. If we give one inch, we will lose that war, and our basic human rights and dignity will be destroyed. Forever.”
He paused for the a moment for drama, then with a slight smirk continued, “But fear not. I have a solution. We are going to take over the government.”
A collective gasp came from all corners of the room.
Mr. LaPierre then went on to outline his plan. “Look,” he exclaimed, “there are only about 1.3 million people currently serving in the military, and many of those are overseas. There are over five million of us. I know that not every one of our members will take up arms in what I am calling the Second Great American Civil War, but surely a majority will. Our research shows that the average NRA member owns 45 guns and over one thousand rounds of ammunition, so we will overpower the military. Just think of it. Over 200 million weapons and five billion bullets! We will tromp them. But we must act quickly and with stealth. It must be a surprise.”
Following a moment of stunned silence, the room erupted again, this time in applause.
“But the weapons we have are not enough to get the job done since we do not have nuclear weapons or other items like tanks, jets, and heavy artillery. That is why, anticipating something like the Florida fiasco, I have entered into a secret contract with Kim Jong Un to purchase a portion of his nuclear arsenal. Do you think that the announcement yesterday about talks with Trump was a coincidence? The deal has already been cut. Thanks to a special donor, who must remain anonymous, Kim is now richer by over five billion dollars. Not a trivial down payment. He knows where his bread is buttered. And there is more where that came from. The challenge is getting these weapons into the country, and I am working on that. Similar arrangements will be made with other rogue countries for tanks and jets. We have constructed a huge bunker in a rural Alabama, and that is where they will be stored until needed. The Governor of Alabama has already approved it.”
The NRA leader then outlined a plan which would start in the Southern states and when the various Southern governors capitulate without a shot being fired, sweep northward toward Washington. With threats of nuclear annihilation, the U.S. government would have no choice but to surrender. “The idiots,” he said, “assumed that the nuclear threat would come from abroad, not from within. They are totally unprepared and helpless. They can’t nuke themselves. Our victory could happen within a matter of days.”
“But what about Trump?” one of the members asked.
The leader smiled again. “No problem. That has all been taken care of. He is one of us, and his new title when we take over? President-For-Life.”
The meeting ended with assignments given out to various members to contact rogue states for tanks, jets and conventional bombs. As they exited the secret bunker, they were giving each other high-fives and embracing.