Note to readers: Allie Ritzenberg, subject of the “Allie’s 100th” blog post, died peacefully at his home surrounded by family on Thanksgiving Day, just 11 days after the 100th birthday party.
Now the press conference.
President Trump: I will start off by saying how thankful I am for myself. This was the blessing that I gave at Thanksgiving and I will give it again today: “Thank you, God, for me and the gift of me to the USA and the world. Amen.” Now first question.
Reporter 1: Sir, what about the report issued by the federal government just after Thanksgiving that states that climate change is real and will be catastrophic to the United States and the world if we do not take action?
Trump: Yeah, yeah. Fake news. I’m not going to waste my time reading it. Trash. Obama trash.
Reporter 1: But the report was authorized by Congress and put out by a group representing 14 government agencies. Over 300 respected scientists contributed to it.
Trump: Not gonna waste my time. Fake News. Climate change is a hoax, and most people know that.
Reporter 1: But, sir, how could you not even read it when wild fires are destroying California, hurricanes are wiping out coastal cities and islands, and temperatures are rising? This is a report by the federal government. You are the head of the federal government.
Trump: Coal is king and will continue to be king as long as I am king, I mean, President. Officers, remove this reporter and take his credentials. Next question?
Reporter 2: What about the California fires and global warming?
Trump: Take this woman’s credentials too and remove her from the room.
Reporter 3: What about the Saudi crown prince and the murder of the Post reporter?
Trump: What murder? No one has found a body. No body, no murder. Simple as that. Besides Mohammed bin Salman—I just call him Ben—is a good guy and Jared’s best friend. If he says there was no murder, then there was no murder.
Reporter 3: But he admits there was a murder but says he did not authorize it.
Trump: Same difference. Whatever. Officers, remove this reporter. Next?
Reporter 4: What about all the tear gas used against those in the caravan and closing the border with Mexico?
Trump: These people are thugs and thieves, and I am issuing orders to shoot to kill on sight. We will teach them a lesson once and for all. No caravans of criminals and terrorists allowed in the US anymore. Period.
Reporter 4: But women and children will be killed. Most are asylum seekers.
Trump: Officers, take this reporter’s credentials and escort him out. Next?
Reporter 5: Sir, it looks like the Democrats will gain 40 Congressional seats and will control the House. How do you interpret the results of the mid term election and what will it mean for your presidency?
Trump: For one thing the election was a huge success for me. First, the Party of Trump–I mean the Republicans–gained seats in the Senate, and that has never happened before in a mid term election for a President’s party, and that is all due to me. They got elected because of me and only because of me. And as for the House, every Republican who lost lost because he or she did not support me strong enough. If they had, I–I mean they--would have won every seat. And believe me, The Party of Trump—I mean the Republicans–now fear me more than ever. They can’t win without me. As for the House Democrats, I say so what. They won’t get any law they pass through the Senate where I call all the shots, and just wait ‘till these lawsuits they are filing reach the Supreme Court where I control five votes. It is over for the Democrats, and they know it. Besides, we really don’t need any laws anymore since I will rule by Executive Order from now on. I am not going to waste any time with these Democrat scoundrels and malcontents.
Reporter 6: Are you still planning to shut down the government if you do not get money in the budget to build your border wall?
Trump: Yeah, but they will cave and give me the money. They always do. Next?
Reporter 7: What about the big deficit that was created by the tax law? What do you plan to do about that?
Trump: Well, as every member of the Party of Trump knows—I mean, as every Republican knows—deficits mean nothing, and the tax cuts have already paid for themselves. The deficit is due entirely to government giveaways and handouts, which I am ordering to stop immediately. Just ask Paul Ryan. He worships me. They all do.
Reporter 8: And do you believe anything will come out of the Mueller investigation?
Trump: Of course not! No collusion! No meddling! All fake news, but that is going to stop when by my Executive Order, any reporter responsible for fake news will go to jail and stay there, and the worthless, failing newspapers they work for, like the New York Times, and Washington Post, will crumble when they are convicted of libel. Fake news has ruined our country and will be stopped, and you can count on the Supreme Court to put an end to that once and for all. First Amendment nonsense! You know I now have five justices in my pocket. As I said, it is a new ballgame. I already am the greatest President in history and will stay that way for very, very long time. Thank you, God, for me, thank you, for me.
Now off to a golf game. Press conference over.
Reporter for Fox News: Amen! Hail to the Chief!