Note to Reader: For those who are not familiar with “Faux News: All the Fake News That Is Fit To Print,” this news source was very active in my blog postings during the Trump presidency. Due to the high stakes of the upcoming election, I have returned to it out of desperation.
What distinguishes Faux News (properly pronounced “Fox News”) from other reliable sources of news coverage like PBS, CNN, The Washington Post and The New York Times, is that at Faux News we have informants disguised as messengers, janitors, stenographers, and technicians who work in the White House and can eavesdrop on top level, highly confidential conversations in the Oval Office. This is the latest post from one of the fictitious White House informants, a janitor, who overheard and secretly recorded this conversation verbatim following the ABC interview. Enjoy.
A group of high level Biden advisors are gathered in the Oval Office with Biden to discuss campaign strategy moving forward, following the ABC interview.
Advisor 1: Mister President. Bad news to report. Your approval among likely voters remains very low; and if the election were held today, it is likely that you would lose to the fascist Trump by a landslide. While we think you did a good job on the ABC News interview last night, you may not have convinced very many people that you are actually much younger than you look, that you are vigorous, intellectually sharp, and are at the top of your game.
Biden: But I have been a great president. All the Democrats say that. Why are they turning against me? I am not all that old. I am as sharp as ever.
Advisor 2: Well, you come across as being too old and it appears nothing will change people’s minds at this point.
Biden: Well, I am not stepping down and never will. Jill supports me on this. So does my family.
Advisor 1: Great news, Mister President. You don’t have to. We have a solution.
Biden: Really? I am all ears.
Advisor 1. You pull out your revolver, shoot Trump at close range, and kill him during the second debate. It would be spectacular! It would make headlines all over the world, and there is not a damn thing anyone can do about it if it is an official act. The Supreme Court now grants total immunity to the President of the United States for all official acts while in office.
Biden: But I am not all that good with a gun. My hands shake, my vision is not the best, and I might miss him and hit one of the commentators. Plus, it is against my religion. The Bible says “Thou shalt not kill.”
Advisor 2. We understand that you might have some reservations, Mister President, and have a suggestion which we believe may be more to your liking. If you do not feel up to the task, we recommend that you order the military to do it. There are many options like the Navy Seals or the Army Green Berets or one of our military spies. However, to get the most publicity and coverage, we recommend that the action happen in the middle of the next debate. Just think how dramatic this will be. It will be the talk of the town. And don’t worry. We are convinced that the Seals or whomever you choose can get the job done.
Biden: Interesting idea. Who came up with it?
Advisor 1: I did. Our intelligence agents spying on the Trump campaign report that if Trump wins, he will imprison you and probably have your cabinet, Lynn Chaney and all those involved in the House impeachment hearings arrested and executed. Pelosi and Schumer too. It is either you or Trump. He is bragging that if reelected he can do this or anything he pleases because once he is reelected, he will have lifetime immunity for anything he does that is an official act, thanks to the Supreme Court. But he forgot one thing. He has not been reelected yet. You are the sitting president, not him! So you beat Trump to the punch. The Bible I think also says something like “do unto others as they do unto you.” This should not go against your religion. So, Mister President, order the Seals to neutralize the bastard before he neutralizes you. You are the only one now with total lifetime immunity. If you don’t do this now, you will be a cooked goose once Trump gets into office. He will probably order your demise on Day One, maybe even announce this during his inauguration speech.
Biden: Geeze. Never thought about this.
Advisor 2: Mister President, you really don’t have a choice. You would be saving our country from a fascist dictator, who will take our country and our world down the tubes. This would be a heroic act. Besides making the evening news, it might even end up in the history books.
Biden: Are you sure this would be an official act?
Advisor 1: We have researched this with the greatest legal minds and constitutional scholars in the country, who all agree that if done properly, it will be an official act. Remember that you have taken an oath to protect the Constitution. If Trump wins, he will trash the Constitution, and democracy in the U.S. will cease to exist. So, what you need to do is to tell the American people after Trump’s body is dragged off the stage not to worry. You ordered this as an official act and give them your reasons for doing this. If you would prefer that the neutralization not happen during the debate, the neutralization could happen before or after (though if Trump was neutralized before the debate, obviously there would not be a debate.). If you do not choose to wipe out the Orange Fascist during the debate, your address to the nation should occur at the exact time that your order is being carried out. Just think of the drama! You will get lots of television coverage and social media postings. Remember–you are doing this to protect the Constitution and to assure that democracy will be saved. This is an official act! Be sure you mention that in your address—that you have ordered the military to neutralize Donald J Trump because of his existential threat to our country, the Constitution, and the world.
(long pause)
Biden: Will a teleprompter be available?