President Trump is boasting that the strategic bombing in Syria last week represents one of the greatest military accomplishments of all time. But Faux News has learned that the decision to bomb Syria came very close to not happening at all. Here is the story as secretly recorded by our faithful reporter disguised as janitor cleaning the War Room:
Trump: Okay, let’s get started. What we are here to do today is to start a war. We have got to do something: Stormy is going crazy. The Lying, Slimeball Comey’s book is coming out. The press is trying to track down my love child. Seems like every day some new, lying slut files a law suit against me. Approval ratings are down. We have got to change the subject.
Pence: A war? I thought we had already decided to invade Canada and take it over.
Trump: You are right, Pence. That was your idea, and at the time I thought it had merit.
Pence: Thank you, Mr. President, for saying that. Thank you very much.
Trump: But I have changed my mind. It actually was a dumb idea, and Pence, you are an idiot.
Pence: You are right, Mr. President, it was a bad idea, and I ask your forgiveness for even suggesting it.
Trump: I have decided that the country we will bomb to smithereens is Panama.
Pence: That is a terrific idea! You are a genius, Mr. President.
Trump: Shut up, Pence.
Pence: Forgive me, sir.
Mattis: Excuse me, Mr. President. Did you say Panama?
Trump: Yes. Panama. Do have any idea what is going on there and why we have to act now? The no good partner we had for our hotel there has changed the name of the hotel from Trump to…Well, I am not sure what the new name is, and I don’t care. He has removed the Trump hotel sign and trashed it. Said the name was a liability. Well, I have ordered the President of Panama to restore the sign, and he has not acted. I want to teach him a lesson. Mattis, I want the armed forces on high alert and the Pacific Fleet to head toward Panama now. I want the whole country bombed into the Stone Age and I want the canal back and I want it back now!
Pence: Wonderful, Mr. President!
Trump: Pence, when I want your opinion, I will ask for it.
Pence: Of course, Your Exalted One.
Mattis: The idea may have merit, but there is something more urgent.
Trump: Oh yeah, what?
Trump: What about Syria?
Mattis: Chemical weapons, sir. They have used chemical weapons again against the rebels. Many civilians have been killed. Certainly you must remember the briefing yesterday.
Trump: So what is the big deal? You are dead anyway. What difference does it make if you are killed by a bullet, a bomb or a chemistry set? If you are dead, you are dead. And that goes for nukes as well. I say a nuke is just like any other weapon, just more effective, and that is why, Mattis, I order you to send the nuclear-armed subs to Panama. We are going to teach them a lesson and do it now. Besides I just announced that we are pulling out of Syria. We have won that war, and I am bringing the troops home.
Mattis: Sir, I see your point, but actually we have not won the war and furthermore chemical weapons are outlawed by international law. If we let them get away with this a second time, then they will use them again and again, so will other countries.
Mattis: May I remind you of Obama and the line in the sand he drew about Syria’s chemical weapons and how he did not follow though and how that affected his approval ratings and his legacy?
Trump: It made him look bad?
Mattis: Yes, bad and weak.
Mattis: Very weak and indecisive.
Trump: Bomb ‘em!
Mattis: Thank you, Mr. President. I will get the ball rolling.
Trump: But don’t forget about Panama.
Mattis: Will keep that in mind, sir.
Trump: Okay, Pence. You can talk now.
Pence: You are the greatest man to ever live! Thank you, Mr. President.
Trump: You are now all dismissed.