Holy Week 2018

This week is Holy Week. I am what is called a “cradle Episcopalian,” which means I am a lifer, having grown up attending Christ Episcopal Church in Nashville and then worshipping in various Episcopal churches over the years. We have been regulars at All Souls, a few blocks from where we live, since the mid 1980s. Embry is now on the vestry, and I have had various leadership positions there.

Holy Week is a big deal for most Christian churches and a really big deal for most Episcopal churches. It all begins with the Palm Sunday service, which is solemn and dignified and when (in our church anyway) the entire Passion Narrative from one of the Gospels is chanted, starting with Jesus’s entry into Jerusalem and ending with the crucifixion. Then there is a service on Maundy Thursday (the Last Supper) when the alter is stripped and people leave the church in silence, another at noon on Good Friday, then a very long service on the next evening when the Easter Vigil happens, a service which begins in darkness and ends with the first Easter communion. Then finally there is the Easter service on Sunday, with fabulous music by the choir, often accompanied by a brass quartet, lots of incense and bells, and fancy robes and garments worn by the clergy, followed by a champagne reception in the undercroft. (After all we are Episcopalians!)

How do the clergy get through the week, I often wonder, realizing how close I came to being ordained myself.

For those who have been following Faux News, you know that I have been obsessed with what I believe is the most dangerous threat to our democracy and our country that I have witnessed in my 76 years. This weekend you are getting a breather from Faux News. In fact we all need a breather. This dark night of the soul will surely pass. We will be stronger and more just as a nation. We will get through this. Holy Week gives us a chance to pause and reflect and to think about what is really important.

What is really important is that there is something more to life than this secular world we find ourselves in. There is more than politics, than finding satisfying work, than fighting for good causes, than being “successful,” than maintaining strong personal and family relationships, and than struggling with the day to day challenges we all face. There is more than being happy. There is a spiritual dimension to human life. This is often illusive and seems to hide from us in places where we do not look. Holy Week and Easter remind us that this spiritual dimension is real. If we are lucky, Holy Week gives us a chance to look in the right places.

While I have “practiced” Christianity my entire life and have, as they say, paid my dues, I have struggled with questions of belief and doubt and am not one to say that I have found all the answers. Too often I wonder if I have any of the answers. But what I know is this: all of us humans on this small, blue planet are born, and we all die. Because we are human we ask the question, why. Why are we here? Why is the world the way it is? What is going on in the rest of this vast universe? What is the ultimate meaning of the all-too-short life we have been given and the cards we have been dealt to play the best we can as we slog along through the years?

Holy Week provides a fleeting glimpse of the answer. I believe that we humans yearn for meaning and for assurance that there is a reason and a purpose for our lives. This applies to all humans. Whether we admit it or not, most of us are on a spiritual journey. I believe there is one destination of this journey, yet many pathways. The Easter story is one pathway. That it happened and that the story is still alive today gives us a ray of hope on this troubled planet.

Faux News: Bolton To Arrive on the Scene

John Bolton will start work as Trump’s National Security Adviser on April 7. People are wondering why Trump chose the unapologetic architect of W.’s Iraq War and a controversial figure who has been described as the hawk of hawks. The answer is in his job interview as recorded below:

Trump: Come in, John. Do you mind if I call you Johnny-boy?

Bolton: Of course not, Mr. President.

Trump: So why do you want this job?

Bolton: Because you are the greatest President in U.S. history and the greatest man to ever live.

Trump: Good reasons.

Bolton: And I have a vision. A vision that will make you great again.

Trump: You don’t think I am already great?

Bolton: I misspoke. I meant America.

Trump: So?

Bolton: The vision I have is this: we are at a unique point in history, and you are the man to transform the world and our country. If you choose to use the weapons, I mean tools available to you.

Trump: Like what?

Bolton: Your best tools are the nukes. It is time to stop playing nambi-pambi and use these tools for what they were intended to be used for—to obliterate the enemy.

Trump: Really?

Bolton: You start off by nuking North Korea, the day before you and the fat toad, slime ball, Kim, are supposed to meet. They will not be prepared, and you will put them out of their misery, all 25 million of those kowtowing bastards. If you follow my plan, they won’t have a chance to fire back a single missile.

Trump: But what about China and South Korea?

Bolton: China won’t do a thing. They hate these people more than we do, plus South Korea will be wiped out by nuclear fallout. No worries there.

Trump: Japan?

Bolton: Depends on which way the wind is blowing. But they don’t have much of a choice.

Trump: But the backlash at home. The Democrats. The Fake Press.

Bolton: That is where my vision really begins. We will be at war. You will use your war powers to declare martial law and disband the Congress—only temporarily, of course, but long enough for you to get your job done, heh, heh, if you know what I mean.

Trump: Interesting idea, Johnny-boy and Mueller too?

Bolton: Of course, he is the first to go.

Trump: And the Fake Press?

Bolton: The slammer, where they belong. The Washington Post, New York Times, CNN, MSNBC—all of them, history.

Trump: This is becoming even more interesting.

Bolton: But this is just the beginning. Look, Mr. President, so called democracies like ours are relatively new in history and, frankly, have never worked all that well. Look at the morons that have been presidents—Obama, Kennedy, Roosevelt, Lincoln, Jefferson, Adams, Washington—and they are considered the good ones. In any event it is time to put the idea of a democracy behind us and move forward to a monarchy. You would be our first king –though I think “Emperor” is really a more suitable title. And the Trump name would live on for generations. Donny Jr. would be next and then Barron. Oh yes, did I mention that you would suspend the Constitution —just for a little while, to let things settle down?

Trump: Continue, Johnny-boy.

Bolton: I have not gotten to the best part. You would rename the country from the so called “United States of America” to “Trumptopia.”

Trump: I like the sound of that.

Bolton: And we would need a new flag. I have designed one myself. You know the old World War II sign that has a picture of Uncle Sam on it with him pointing a finger toward you and saying “Uncle Sam Wants You”? Well, it would look just like that except the picture would be of you, and it would say “Uncle Donald” and at the bottom of the flag would read, “Trumptopia.”

Trump: But what about the military? Would they go along with something like this?

Bolton: Forget the military. You don’t need them. You will have the NRA. In fact I recommend that only members of the NRA will be allowed to own guns, and they can own any kind of gun or weapon they want. Their membership will skyrocket from five million to fifty million. And you will make them an offer they can’t refuse—no member will have to pay any federal income taxes. You will rename them the Trumpsters, and they will be like, you know, your secret police. You can disband the military if you want.

Trump: Well, Johnny-boy, I have to tell you that this is quite a remarkable “vision” as you call it. Of course, I will have to think about it for a while, but I will tell you this: you are hired! See you on April 7.

Bolton: Thank you, Mr. President. It will turn out to be a lot easier than you think. These democracies are actually quite fragile.

Trump: Thanks for coming in Johnny-boy, and before you leave, could you describe for me again for me the way the new flag will look?


Faux News: We Did It!

Note to readers: if you are reading this, this means you probably got a notification. Several people have asked why no  blog posts recently. For some reason the notification seems not have not been working. There have been several posts, however—mainly Faux News so take a look if you have missed them.


Yes it was Faux News  that leaked the story to the press about Trump’s call to Putin on March 20. In the most explosive and revelatory reporting of our entire history as a fake news organization, we made history by eavesdropping during the Trump call yesterday with Vladimir Putin and recording it all with a concealed cell phone. We were only able to record one half of the conversation, the part from the President. The reporter who scooped the story must remain anonymous. He was able to accomplish his mission when disguised as a McDonald’s employee, he delivered Trump’s usual lunch order of two Big Macs, double order of fries with extra ketchup and two milk shakes. By dropping the delivery box and spilling the contents on the floor, he was able to delay just long enough to record almost all of the secure phone call. Here is the transcript (all comments by President Trump):

Knock on door.

OK come in. Bout time you showed up with lunch. I’m starving! Just put it on the table.

You , boy, I am on the line, so keep quiet. I said you can just put the food on the table. Now quiet.

Oh, Vladdy, hi, this is Donald.

Don’t worry, Vlad, I am on a totally secure line, and I don’t have a single adviser in the room to leak our conversation.


What the hell are you doing, you idiot? No, Vladdy, not you, this dumb ass delivery boy. He just dropped my Big Macs on the floor. Now clean up the mess and get the hell out of here, you moron! No, Vlad, I am not talking to you. That was intended for the delivery boy. My lunch is all over the floor, and do you have any idea what I paid for the rug? Actually I didn’t pay it. The taxpayers did, but I will guarantee it is the most expensive rug any President ever had. More than was paid by the taxpayers for Ben Carson or Scott Pruitt’s stuff.

Yes, good to talk to you, too, Vlad.

And, yes, the reason that I am calling is to congratulate you on a terrific win. Over 70%. That is fabulous! I probably could do that myself if the election were today, but no one thinks so because they believe the fake polls. These are dreamed up by the Fake Press just to make me look bad. Actually I am very popular, especially among my base and the Evangelicals. But I think you are even more popular. So, heh, heh, maybe you could say I am a little envious.

So, Vlad, since I have you on a secure line and no advisers are in the room, I am wondering if we might talk about a couple of sensitive items.

Yes, Vlad, I am sure it is safe. Delivery boy, what the hell are you doing? Shit, you spilled the chocolate shake all over the coffee table. For god’s sake, you imbecile, now clean that up too! No Vlad, not you, the delivery boy. He just spilled one of the shakes on my comic books. I mean for crissakes, where do they find these nincompoops? And people complain about the minimum wage being too low…

Yes, Vlad, it is a totally secure line. No need to worry.

Yes, the family is fine. Thanks for asking.

Now the first matter has to do with the hotels. How are they coming along?

That is great to hear, Vladdy. You know they must be registered in another name so I have set up a fake LLC, but Donny Junior heads that up and will be your main contact.

Yes, Vladdy, he thinks a lot of you, too.

And the second item is this, well, sensitive item regarding a certain video tape with the girls at the beauty pageant.

Oh, you have taken care of it?

The tape burned and the filmmakers were accidently poisoned by eating bad fish?

Vlad, how can I ever repay you?

Oh yes, I am working on that and can assure you the fake inquiry will be terminated. Next time we talk it will all be over.

Yes, I promise. That was the deal we had, didn’t we?

Oh, my God, you incompetent idiot! No, not you, Vladdy. It is the delivery boy again! He just spilled the strawberry shake all over the velvet couch. I am going to call security!

You are right, Vladdy, I can’t afford to do that. Got to keep this secure. Anyway he is trying to clean up the mess and will be out of here in a sec.

Yes, Vlad, I did have one other sensitive item. You know the last election and the fake inquiry and all that. Well, you and I know that I won by my own account and that Russia had nothing to do with it, but I am a tad worried right now about the mid terms and 2020. Do you think? I mean, do you believe…?

Well, yes, Vlad, while I know that you are clean, I am also very grateful for what, you know, happened and am, er, wondering if maybe you know if something like that might happen again.

Really? You are already working on it?

No kidding, Vladdy, this is fabulous to hear!

Ahead of where you were this time before the 2016 election?

Fabulous news, Vaddy! This will pay off for you big time.

Yes, there is a deal to be made, now get the hell out of here you dumb ass idiot. No, no, Vladdy, I am not talking to you but to the delivery boy. My office is a mess and he is finally leaving. No tip for him. Now let’s talk about what I can do for you in return…

Door slams

End of recording


Faux News: War!

Transcript: Emergency Cabinet Meeting, The White House, Sunday, March 18, 2018, 7:30 A.M.


Trump: Ok, thanks to all you Cabinet members and advisers for coming over this Sunday morning. You should all probably be in church—except for you, Mnuchin–but this is a national crisis.

Pence: Thank you for inviting us, Your Excellency. Your call is our command. And what would that crisis be?

Trump: You idiot, don’t you read the papers or watch Fox News? There is a “March for so called Our Lives” on Saturday and then 60 Minutes with Stormy on Sunday. These two bomb shells could ruin us. We need a plan.

Pence: Forgive me, Your Highest Honor. I wasn’t thinking.

Trump: Well, we need a plan, and we need one now.

Huckebee Sanders: You need to out press-coverage them, Your Highness. We have to come up with something that will put The March for Our Lives on the back pages. Ditto for Stormy.

Trump: So who’s got ideas?

Awkward period of silence

Perry: How about starting a war?

Gasp from several cabinet members followed by another awkward period of silence

Trump: You aren’t the dumb shit I thought you were, Rick. In fact you may be on to something. So who the hell do we want to bomb to hell and back before the weekend?

Voice from the side: Russia?

Trump: Who the hell said that? Who said Russia?

Carson: It was me, sir, Ben Carson.

Trump: You are fired right now. Get out of here. Police, escort this man out! The nerve to think that I would consider a war with Russia. Actually I have been thinking about firing you for a couple of weeks. I don’t mind anyone spending $50,000 of tax payers’ money on a conference table and chairs, but getting caught is another thing. You should have run the purchase through an LLC. Anyway this is the last straw. You probably believe the lies and fake news that Russia interfered with our election and helped elect me.

Carson is escorted from the room.

DeVos: What about North Korea!

Trump: Nice suggestion, Betsy, but I’m meeting with Kim in May, and we have to start a war this weekend to take the focus off the Communist-inspired march and the 60 Minutes interview with Lying Stormy. We need to act right now!

Shulkin: China?

Trump: Too big and they’ve got nukes. We might lose. Furthermore, you are fired. You haven’t done didley-squat for the VA, and you spend more tax payers’money on yourself than Carson does. Police!

Shulkin is escorted from the room.

Zinke: Mexico?

Trump: No way, and if we win, we get all these Latinos coming here. We would have to wipe them off the face of the Earth. Besides I want the Wall.

Another period of awkward silence

Sessions: Hey, what about Canada?

Pence: You can’t be serious. Canada is our friend.

Trump: Quiet, Pence. I believe this might be the only decent idea this imbecile has had since he has been AG. Canada? Canada?

Sessions: Thank you, Your Reverence. It is just a thought.

Trump: Yes, Canada! Of course. Why didn’t I think of Canada? The idea is brilliant even if it comes from a dumb mind. Since they think they are our friends, they will suspect nothing. They have no nukes, and a bunch of red-coated guys with big hats riding around on horses would be toast for the full might of our military. Plus this Trudeau guy has got to go. Everyone knows they are cheating us on trading. It would serve him right.

Sessions: I am so honored.

Trump: Well, you better be because if Mueller is still around next Sunday, you are fired.

Trump: So this is my order–Mattis and McMaster, pay attention: I am officially authorizing a take-over of Canada with the goal being annexation of this country and expanding the land area of the United States to include all of North America except for the pitiful country of Mexico, which no one wants anyway. What you should do, Mattis, is storm Montreal and take over the Parliament buildings and kidnap that two-bit, lying Trudeau and get him to surrender or else.

Ross: Sir, I believe the capital of Canada is Ottawa.

Trump: Whatever. Now if Trudeau does not surrender, then you tell him we will use our nukes and settle things once and for all. This needs to happen on Thursday, so it will be headlines on Friday and through the weekend.

Mattis: Sir, I believe that Canada is a member of NATO. That could cause some push back.

Trump: NATO, SCHMATO—a worthless organization. I will take care of them. Now, does anyone in this room see any problem with attacking, conquering and annexing Canada?

Pense: Bravo, Your Most Exalted One! Your base will love you for this. Republicans will stand behind you 100%, and Ryan and McConnell will be at your side supporting you in this time of national crisis. Our security as a nation is at stake. And you bet that this will dominate the airwaves!

Trump: Thank you, Pense. You are absolutely right. I am glad I thought of this, and it will go down in the history books as one of the greatest decisions of all time, and I will be the greatest President of all time. How about it, Mattis? Can you get this done? And McMaster, what do you think?

Mattis and McMaster: Sir, we believe you are a fucking moron.

Trump: Then you can join the idiot Tillerson. You both are fired, and I am replacing you with two Fox News anchors. Now get the hell out, and this Cabinet meeting is adjourned.









Faux News Exclusive: Preview of the 60 Minutes Interview with Stormy Daniels

While it is not certain that the Stormy Daniels interview will appear on 60 Minutes this Sunday due to the Trump Administration’s effort to curb “treasonous speech” and jail Ms. Daniels, Faux News has obtained surreptitiously a tape of the interview. Due to its explosive contents 60 Minutes has devoted the entire program to the interview and extended the time to two hours. It has also alerted parents that no person under the age of 21 should be allowed to view the program. CBS believes that it will be the most watched television program of all time. It will be broadcast around the world using satellites and is expected to be viewed in every nation including North Korea, reaching an audience of 5.2 billion people. CBS has already sold enough ads to meet its  budget for the entire year.

The most potentially damaging aspect of the program is that Ms. Daniels showed up with a host of friends all of whom reported current, ongoing affairs with the President. These included Hurricane Hannah, Cyclone Sally, Lightening Lilly, and Tsunami Sue. Last names of the four women were not available. All four women have recently joined the #MeToo Movement and are appearing to set the record straight and, they said, to get their lives back in order. The four friends of Ms. Daniels all live in the Mar-a-Lago Resort and “see” the President on a regular basis. When asked what they found attractive in the President, all four women and Ms. Daniels immediately stated his hair. Apparently there is something very attractive about a 70-year-old man with a huge clump of thinning, watered down, slicked back, yellow/orange hair. Other than that all five women reported that actually there was nothing attractive about the President at all. Their relationships, they said, were all based on money and were transactional—free room and board at Mar-a-Lago and a small stipend to cover clothes and jewelry.

The Trump Administration, having learned of the appearance of what is now being billed by CBS as “Stormy and the Fab Four,” countered with the assertion that the Fab Four and Ms. Daniels were actually advisers to the President and that the entire interview was nothing more than a dirty tricks stunt by the Democrats to embarrass him. They pointed out that the women were all authorities on climate change as noted by their names—Stormy, Hurricane, Cyclone, Lightening and Tsunami—and have been given high level positions at the Environmental Protection Agency in its climate change division. When pressed to explain what the climate change division was, the Trump spokesman replied that the Fab Four plus the recent addition of Ms. Daniels constituted the entire division and were defacto proof that climate change was a hoax.

It is not clear what political impact the program will have if it is allowed to be aired. The U.S. Supreme Court will determine if efforts by the White House to block the show represents a violation of free speech. The program includes several interviews of Trump supporters, who say they stand behind the President regardless what is said about him by anyone or whether he shot someone on Fifth Avenue. Several pointed out that he is shaking up Washington and that is exactly what he was elected to do.

Viewer discretion is advised.


Faux News: NRA in Panic Mode, Plans To Take Over the U.S. Government

Following the Florida legislation this week, modestly tightening gun laws, a secret meeting of the NRA leadership and its major donors took place early today in the nation’s capital. Posing as a waiter, serving coffee and doughnuts, our reporter was there, and here is her story:

In a small, dark room situated in a bunker below the Washington Monument and rarely used except in nuclear attacks, a worried Wayne LaPierre, head of the NRA, opened the meeting by lamenting the new law passed by the Florida legislature this week. “We are in deep trouble,” he told the group of 25 distressed men, “This is the first incursion on our basic liberties since the communist-inspired ban on assault weapons in 1993. It is an act of war. If other states start to pass this kind of hideous, unconstitutional infringement on our most sacred right of owning and shooting any kind of weapon we want, anytime we want, and anywhere we want, we are toast. We have to fight it with all that we have.”

When asked what the options were, Mr. LaPierre listed the usual actions starting with tripling the support for pro gun candidates at all levels of government and describing a detailed, hate-and-dirty-tricks campaign against any candidate supporting stronger gun laws. The goal, he said, was not just to stop the “No Guns Movement” but to obliterate those he called “traitors and child killers” and to obliterate them “once and for all.”

After some discussion six of the major donors including the Koch Brothers and several of the gun manufacturers pledged an additional one billion dollars each in contributions in 2018. Instead of expressing gratitude Mr. LaPierre grimly faced his benefactors and stated, “Gentlemen, that is not enough.”

“We are now at war. If we give one inch, we will lose that war, and our basic human rights and dignity will be destroyed. Forever.”

He paused for the a moment for drama, then with a slight smirk continued, “But fear not. I have a solution. We are going to take over the government.”

A collective gasp came from all corners of the room.

Mr. LaPierre then went on to outline his plan. “Look,” he exclaimed, “there are only about 1.3 million people currently serving in the military, and many of those are overseas. There are over five million of us. I know that not every one of our members will take up arms in what I am calling the Second Great American Civil War, but surely a majority will. Our research shows that the average NRA member owns 45 guns and over one thousand rounds of ammunition, so we will overpower the military. Just think of it. Over 200 million weapons and five billion bullets! We will tromp them. But we must act quickly and with stealth. It must be a surprise.”

Following a moment of stunned silence, the room erupted again, this time in applause.

“But the weapons we have are not enough to get the job done since we do not have nuclear weapons or other items like tanks, jets, and heavy artillery. That is why, anticipating something like the Florida fiasco, I have entered into a secret contract with Kim Jong Un to purchase a portion of his nuclear arsenal. Do you think that the announcement yesterday about talks with Trump  was a coincidence? The deal has already been cut. Thanks to a special donor, who must remain anonymous, Kim is now richer by over five billion dollars. Not a trivial down payment. He knows where his bread is buttered. And there is more where that came from. The challenge is getting these weapons into the country, and I am working on that. Similar arrangements will be made with other rogue countries for tanks and jets. We have constructed a huge bunker in a rural Alabama, and that is where they will be stored until needed. The Governor of Alabama has already approved it.”

The NRA leader then outlined a plan which would start in the Southern states and when the various Southern governors capitulate without a shot being fired, sweep northward toward Washington. With threats of nuclear annihilation, the U.S. government would have no choice but to surrender. “The idiots,” he said, “assumed that the nuclear threat would come from abroad, not from within. They are totally unprepared and helpless. They can’t nuke themselves. Our victory could happen within a matter of days.”

“But what about Trump?” one of the members asked.

The leader smiled again. “No problem. That has all been taken care of. He is one of us, and his new title when we take over? President-For-Life.”

The meeting ended with assignments given out to various members to contact rogue states for tanks, jets and conventional bombs. As they exited the secret bunker, they were giving each other high-fives and embracing.





Faux News: Sanders Clarifies Trump’s Position on Key Issues

Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders took on the press today at a news conference limited to reporters from news outlets the Trump Administration is calling the “True Press.” Attendees included Fox News, the Liberty University Free Press, the Wall Street Journal, the Washington Examiner, Russia Today, and, of course, our own reporter from Faux News (incognito). Fake news outlets like the New York Times and the Washington Post are now barred from all press conferences as are reporters from CNN and MSNBC. (Joe Scarborough was arrested earlier today and charged with treason.) It is not clear if the White House will expand the number of attendees in future press conferences beyond those present today. Recorded by our reporter disguised in a trench coat and wearing sun glasses, the press conference proceeded as follows:

Sanders: Thank you all for coming. Finally we have a White House press corps that Americans can trust and believe in. I am pleased to report that the President will be making an announcement later today that he will eliminate by executive order the two-term limit on being president. It is just not fair that great countries like Russia and China can have leaders-for-life; yet when we have a great leader like our President, he can only serve two terms. This is outrageous and will be changed. Questions?

WSJ: But how can he change the term limit when it is in the Twenty-Second Amendment that you can’t serve more than two terms?

Sanders: The President is not aware of any amendments that would preclude this executive order.

WSJ: Thank you for clarifying that. One more question. Is Trump For or Against Gun Control? He seems to be wavering.

Sanders: He is definitely for it.

WSJ: But he also said that he sides with the NRA on all matters.

Sanders: He does. The NRA is a great organization and a leader in the gun control effort. Were it not for them, there is no telling how many school killings we would have. Probably one a day.

WSJ: But what about the students and what they want—raising the minimum age for buying guns, more background checks and banning assault weapons?

Sanders: The President has been perfectly clear on that. He supports the students and is against school killings and fully supports the NRA. Next question.

Liberty Free Press: Is the President for or against allowing the Dreamers to stay?

Sanders: The answer is yes. How many times do I have to answer this question?

Liberty Free Press: Thanks for clarifying that.

Washington Examiner: Do you think that the new tariff policies Trump just announced will grow or will shrink the economy?

Sanders: Of course they will. That is what all the economists are telling us.

Washington Examiner: Thank you.

Fox News: What about North Korea? Reports are that the President is considering a preemptive nuclear strike that would take out the whole country. Are these reports accurate?

Sanders: The President acts when he acts. Look what he just did on tariffs. He made that decision without consulting a soul. The President will do what he will do, and don’t expect him to ask for your opinion or anyone else’s. Just keep reading the tweets. The world will be a lot better off without that country.

Liberty Free Press: Would you agree that the President is the incarnation of Jesus Christ himself and that we are witnessing the Second Coming?

Sanders: Thank you for that question. The President is very modest, and I would refer you to Franklin Graham or for that matter any of the professors at Liberty University or really almost any Evangelical Leader. They will tell you. Also ask the Vice President.

Russia Today: How are the relations with Russia going? Are they getting better or worse?

Sanders: Of course they are.

Russia Today. That is what I thought. Thank you.

Sanders: Next?

Examiner: Is it true that the President is going to replace Defense Secretary Jim Mattis with Stormy Daniels as Defense Secretary?

Sanders: I will not comment as long at the law suit is going on?

Examiner: What law suit?

Sanders: Next question.

WSJ: It has been reported that the President is considering clarifying by executive order the First Amendment to disallow any speech by fake news outlets or fake news reporters. Can he do that?

Sanders: Well, the Constitution was written when there was no such thing as fake news, so he can do whatever he wants to in that regard. Next Question. You in the back with the overcoat and dark glasses.

Faux News: What about the turnover at the White House? It seems there is chaos and free-fall. Why have so many people left?

Sanders: We are not aware of any unusual turnover of staff at the White House. Trump is probably the most popular president of all time and his staff love him. No one of importance has left.

Faux News: What about Reince Priebus, Chief of Staff; Katie Walsh, Deputy Chief of Staff; Sean Spicer, Press Secretary; George Sifakis, Director of Public Liaison; Michel Flynn, National Security Advisor; KT McFarland, Deputy National Security Advisor? What about Hope Hicks and Rob Porter? Look, I have a list of 24 high level staff who have left, and I am not sure if it is even complete.

Sanders: Who is this guy?

Several reporters: Faux News!

Sanders: We already have one Fox News reporter in the room and only one per news media is allowed. Police! Police! Get him out of here! Arrest him!


Press Conference continues but without our reporter, who is forcefully removed from the room and is now under police custody.