Faux News: All The Fake News That Is Fit To Print. “Trump Makes First Nationally Televised Appeal to Country At Time of National Crisis”

Here is the transcript of the nationally televised address by President Trump last evening:

Good evening, my fellow Americans. I am addressing the country this evening from the Trump Tower as The United States of America confronts a crisis unlike any other we have ever known. I am appealing to you for your help and support in order to save our beautiful country and to make American great again.

A new and dangerous enemy has emerged. I am not talking about Russia, which despite what anyone in Congress says, is our friend. I am not even talking about North Korea. So they have a few nukes. So they knock out South Korea and Japan. We will annihilate them before they can get to us. No need to worry. You can sleep at night. I am not even talking about the no good, Muslim, Islamic extremist terrorists. We are knocking them off one by one.

I am talking about the new threat, which has just become obvious to most Americans who followed the Charlottesville incident last week—a domestic threat. I am talking about the hate and violence groups that are threatening to take away all that we believe about our beautiful country. These people are evil and must be destroyed.

I am talking about the Alt Left.

Now some of you may be wondering what the Alt Left is. You saw some of them in Charlottesville carrying clubs and marching without a permit and disrupting what was otherwise a peaceful march led by very fine people, who did have a permit. And these fine people were trying to protect a statue of a very fine person, Robert E Lee, whom I am told headed up the Confederate army and did a good job. Some say that there were people in this peaceful group trying to protect the Lee statue who were not fine people, and that may be true. You can find bad people everywhere, even in groups like the Neo-Nazis and Ku Klux Klan. I am not defending such people if they do exist.

But they are not the real threat to our country. They may have militias and arsenals and stockpiles of weapons and they may say people will die and that they are at war with our country, but they also say that I am one of them and that they love me. I am not worried about them and neither should you.  But they are not the enemy we must fear.

The enemy we must fear and destroy is the Alt Left. These people say they believe in equality, fairness, peace and justice, but these are just empty words to cover up what they really believe and why they are fighting. They were the ones who carried clubs and pepper spray– not the peaceful group, who were the ones who carried assault weapons and could have shot anyone they wanted to but didn’t. They are good people.  The Alt Left is the group that is responsible for the violence in Charlottesville because of the clubs they had and because of all the bad things they said. These low-life people have only themselves to blame. They are the un-American group that you should fear.

So who are they? They are people who hate me. I have done nothing to hurt them, but they do not care. They mock me. They ridicule me. They make fun of me on late night TV. They make my life miserable. I am making America great again, and this is what I get in return? They must be stopped.

So who specifically are they? Well, this is why I am talking to you tonight on national television and radio. These people are everywhere. Some may even be your next-door neighbor. Some may even be in your own family. What they all have in common is that they hate me and give me low marks on national opinion surveys—even though I do not believe those surveys because I know they are fake. They have normal jobs and do normal things. That is why it is going to be hard to take them out, but with your help we can do it.

They join or support organizations like Planned Parenthood, People For The American Way, The Southern Poverty Law Center, The League of Women Voters, The United Way, Goodwill Industries, the Red Cross, The Salvation Army, The Sierra Club, the Nature Conservancy, your local Chamber of Commerce, and, of course, the Democratic Party. Not to mention the Boy Scouts. Did you hear what the head of the Boy Scouts said about me? An absolute disgrace. Treasonous, if you ask me. And they are in churches—they are not real Christians like the Evangelicals, who love me and think I am the Second Jesus — but fake ones like the Episcopals. I used to be a Presbyterian myself but no longer. They are the anti Christ.

So you get my message. They have infiltrated our country and are everywhere. There are even more of them now than there were Commies when McCarthy was going after the Red Scare.

They are the ones who believe in climate change, who believe in evolution, who read books and watch MSNBC and CNN and public television and who read the New York Times and the Washington Post. They are the elitist hypocrites. They work in government and non-profit organizations and say they are trying to make the world a better place. But you and I know better. Some even work in business. They are professors and schoolteachers, nurses and doctors, and even lawyers and Obama-appointed judges. They worst ones are actually the fake news reporters. They are the ones who embrace immigrants and refugees and say that black lives matter. They are the ones who want to narrow the income gap, go easy on terrible countries like Iran and Cuba, tax the rich, and who want some kind of universal heath care and   social safety net for the poor, who in my opinion, frankly, get what they deserve. They are against everything that I am for.

So what I am asking you to do tonight is to join me in a national effort to snuff them out. All I am asking is that you pay close attention; and if there is anyone you know or see who exhibits the characteristics I have just noted—promoting do-good fake causes, spouting lies and fake news, protesting me or the people who support me—or, most important, who are people who hate me, all I am asking you to do is to write down their names, addresses, telephone and social security numbers if you can get them, and send those names to me pronto. Could be your best friend, father, mother, brother, sister or child—just do it. Do it for the country. I will take care of the rest.

To implement this I am announcing tonight the formation of a new federal agency and cabinet position—the Department of National Unification. I am appointing Scott Pruitt to head that up since he will be out of a job when I close down the EPA next week, and Scott will start taking names and kicking, uh, you know what. At the same time we will double or triple the number of prison beds to take care of this and pay for it with the savings we will get when I close down the Departments of Education, HUD, Energy, State Department, and Commerce. I would have had my former friend, Jeff Sessions, head this up, but Sessions is such a low life and so disloyal that I could not trust him to get the job done. Pruitt will do it.

As I said when I started, we are in a state of national crisis. The Alt Left is trying to take over the country and destroy it. Most troubling—they hate me and say nothing nice about me. We can’t let that happen anymore. With your help we will snuff them out. Every single one.

Thank you and God bless you, each and everyone who loves me, and God bless the United States of America.


Faux News: All The Fake News That Is Fit To Print: “Crisis Up Date. The Situation Room, Friday, August 11. 12:03 PM.”

Trump: Ok. Meeting come to order. Do we nuke ‘em now or later?

Kelly: Mr. President, with all due respect, I think we need to think this thing through.

Bannon: Nuke ‘em now. Show ‘em who’s boss.

Trump: Shut up, Steve. Ok, General, how many nukes we got ready to go?

Kelly: 1,800, sir, about the same number as Russia.

Trump: I am not worried about Russia for Crissake. You mean we got this many nukes and they are just sitting there gathering dust and costing the U.S. tax payers money?

Kelly: It is all about deterrent. We have these weapons to use as a deterrent to other nations that if they strike first we will annihilate them. In fact we have always had a no strike first policy.

Trump: Not anymore we don’t. I do not believe in wasting the tax payer’s money and let some two bit, diddlysquat, second rate, worthless country hit first. The American people won’t stand for it. If we are going to nuke them anyway, I say just skip the first step and get rid of the country. It would be doing the world a big favor.

Bannon: Right. Mr. President!

Kelly: But that would have disastrous consequences. North Korea we believe has about forty nuclear weapons which could fit on rockets that could easily reach South Korea and Japan and possibly Guam. If we did not knock them all out, they would retaliate any way they could. South Korea would be gone for sure. Tens of millions of people would be killed. There are more than 25 million living in the Seoul metro area who would be vaporized. Plus we do not know where all the weapons are. They are located in mobile units in tunnels underground. There is no way we could get them all.

Trump: What has South Korea done for us lately?

Bannon: Nothing.

Kelly: They could also hit Japan and kill millions more.

Trump: Hell, Japan nuked us in World War II. Would serve them right.

Kelly: Pardon me, Mr. President, Japan did not nuke us.

Trump: Oh yeah, what about Pearl Harbor?

Kelly: That was with conventional weapons. Actually we nuked them.

Trump: Whatever. And that was a first strike. So much for the no first strike theory. It did not apply then, and it won’t work now.

Bannon: Right, Mr. President.

Kelly: I am not the only one to offer caution. You have two other former generals in your cabinet who are in the Situation Room.

Trump: So how about it, MacMaster?

MacMaster: Agree with General Kelly. This could be the worst disaster in all of human history.

Trump: Well, that is what I was hinting at when I said that they would see fire and fury the world has never known. They have it coming to them. What about you, Mattis?

Trump: I also agree with General Kelly and General MacMaster. If there is any way we can avoid a nuclear war we should. We have to let this cool down plus we do not know what China or Russia would do.

Trump: I goddamn told you I am not worried about Russia. How many nukes do the Chinks have?

Mattis: We believe they have approximately 260.

Trump: Hell, that’s nothing. How much damage could that do?

Mattis: Wipe out every major city in the U.S.

Trump: Not if we get to them first. Hell, if we are going to wipe out North Korea, how much effort would it be to just keep flying and knock out China while we are at it?

MacMaster. Sir, it is a very large country…

Bannon: And just think how great that would make us. We would be first again.

Trump: Anyone else? Rex, what about you?

Tillerson: I agree with the generals, sir. We need to give diplomacy a chance.

Trump: So what are you doing about it?

Tillerson: Unfortunately all the officials appointed by Obama were fired just after the Inauguration. We have not replaced anyone and there are no plans to do so. We do not have anyone available at the State Department to work on it. Someone suggested sending Dennis Rodman over and offering them an NBA franchise, maybe Charlotte, but that seems like a long shot.

Trump: Give that some more thought, Rex. Anyone else weighing in….? Well, not hearing any response from anyone else in the Situation Room, I am assuming that all the rest of you agree with me and Steve. I’ve got a golf game with some Russian friends right now, then dinner at the grill, then another golf game tomorrow morning, but will get back to you when I have decided what to do. Or you can read about it in the fake newspapers.





Faux News Exclusive: All the Fake News That Is Fit to Print. “The First 200 Days: An Interview With Donald Trump.”


FN: Mr. President, thank you for taking the time out from your vacation and daily golf game—and we know that you are the best golfer that ever occupied the White House and one of the greatest golfers who ever lived—thank you for agreeing to an exclusive interview as you now have reached your first 200 days in office.

Trump: The greatest 200 days of all time. Just look at the stock market. Think of all the billionaires I have made even richer and how rich everyone now is, and it is all because of me. Under Obama the economy tanked, and if crooked Hillary had been elected, God help us. She would have been impeached and in jail anyway if she had been elected, and she should be in jail now. That is why I want to fire Sessions. I told him to nail her, and what has he done? Nothing. Disloyal bastard, plus he has given the crook, Mueller, a free hand to carry on a witch hunt that the American people know is fake, just like all the fake news about Russia. The American people know Putin is our friend, and all this stuff about the election meddling is made up by Democrats, the sore losers. They can’t beat me at the polls, so they do this. They should all be put in jail, and frankly the American people won’t stand for this behavior.

FN: Thank you, Mr. President, but the purpose of the interview is to talk about your many accomplishments.

Trump: Well, there are so many I don’t know where to begin. Have you checked out the occupancy of my DC Hotel lately? We have tripled the room rates and are booked almost trough 2020. Mainly foreign diplomats and foreign businessmen. They know a good president when they see one, but not these terrible Democrats and even the weak kneed Republicans, who can’t even pass a health care bill, they are disgusting. And Hillary. If she hadn’t paid off three million illegals in California to vote for her, I would have won the popular vote by the widest margin ever. And we are building more hotels, golf courses and resorts all over the world. It is fabulous, just fabulous! But poor Donny Junior. He is doing such a great job running the business, but they are trying to tar and feather him over some fake meeting with Russians.

FN: Thank you, Mr. President, but actually I was thinking about all your many political and government achievements.

Trump: Oh yeah, those. Well, if you read  history books, there has been nothing like it. Start with my executive orders. I have rolled back every order on the environment that the crook, Obama, ordered illegally. All his fake nonsense about climate change. And we are now out of the Paris Accord, freeing us up to do whatever we like, and believe me, we will do it. The American people know fake news when they see it. And I have pretty much wiped out the EPA. As a practical matter they are finished. Ditto for the State Department. We are not filling vacancies because we don’t need a bunch of egg heads telling Rex what to do. HUD? A dead duck and the same for most of the other agencies except Homeland Security. The American people know that Washington bureaucrats are our real enemy. We are taking care of that big time. And yet all the fake news is about Russia. The fake press should be locked up for all their lies and fake news. But we are taking action. Did you know I have just started my own TV station where you will get the real news?

FN: Thank you, Mr. President. You are a great man, a great golfer, and the greatest president of all time. But are there other things you are proud of?

Trump: You bet. I’ll go through this fast because my golf game with my Russian guests is to start soon. But take this all down. I am nailing the immigrants big time, stopping the Muslims from coming in and sending the Latinos back to where they belong. Good riddance and the American people love me for it. And just you watch—the wall is gonna get built. Then we will nail illegal voters, throwing ‘em in jail. There is massive voter fraud, and everyone knows it. It is all those no good Democrats who are cheating. That will come to a halt when we get all the voter registration info. You are not going to see that many Democrats vote in the future. And we are now suing the colleges who pursue so called “affirmative action.” We are requiring cops to get tougher with suspects, rough ‘em up, and we are going to throw all drug users in jail and are seeing massive new construction of private prisons to take care that. Helps the economy–jobs, jobs, jobs. In fact Donny and Eric are starting a new prison company.  And did I mention the Supreme Court justice?

FN: Would you care to comment on legislation that has been passed?

Trump: I am draining the swamp, but it is slower than I had hoped. It is basically the Democrats fault. We had a great health care bill which would have been great, really great, the greatest ever. Fake News said 25-30 million would lose their insurance, but that was a lie. Obamacare is destroying our country, and everyone knows it. A couple of Republicans caved and they will pay for it, but we will get a law and it will be wonderful and beautiful. And then we got tax breaks coming next—I mean tax reform—and that will really make everyone richer and give us more jobs, jobs and jobs.

FN: And foreign policy?

Trump: The Congress totally screwed up on the Russian sanctions bill, but I am going to work around that, and as for North Korea and China, well, I would like to talk about that, but I’ve got to go to my golf game. I will say this: That a couple of nukes from us would pretty much end any threat from them because there would be no “them” left. And as I told somebody a while back, if you’ve got these nukes, why not just use them? They are just sitting around gathering dust.

FN: Thank you, Mr. President…

Trump: And one more thing. I am sick and tired of all these fake polls saying I am not popular. Have you ever been to one of my rallies? They are packed, and they love me. They scream and holler my name and they say I am the greatest man who ever lived. Some of the evangelicals say I am the second Jesus. They are the ones who know. They know how much good I am doing. And believe me, if those crooked Democrats, sore losers, try to give me trouble over a fake Russian tampering which never happened, we could be talking armed resistance from my devoted followers, who love me so much. So everybody better watch out.

FN: Thank you Mr. President. Congratulations on the best first 200 days in U.S. history. You surely must be the greatest man who ever lived. Good luck in your golf game with your Russian guests! And thanks for making America great again!