Faux News, Letter to the Editor: Thank You, Mister President

Thank you, Mister President, for your assurances that the coronavirus is nothing to worry about and just another effort by the liberal, fake press to discredit you. You were right to gut the resources of the CDC for fighting global epidemics by 80%. A waste of taxpayer’s money. And I agree that the 12% decline in the stock market over the past three days is due exclusively to the Democratic debates. The very idea that any one of these fools could one day be President of the United States would cause anyone to sell off whatever stock he or she had. And I agree with you and Rush Limbaugh that the coronavirus is just another version of the common cold.

And most of all, Mister President, I want to thank you for putting Vice President, Mike Pence, in charge of the campaign to prove to the American people that we have nothing to worry about. Mr. Pence is known for his charismatic and courageous leadership, his independence, and his honesty and wisdom. He fought courageously for years against those who believed that smoking was a cause of cancer. He continues to stand up for the truth that evolution is a hoax and will  fight with  anyone who denies that  the universe was created in seven days. He is a strong believer that climate change is not happening. When he was Governor of Illinois or Indiana or wherever it was, he successfully blocked efforts to help AIDS victims, arguing that prayer is the answer. He will be a great leader in this effort to fight the liberal, fake press for spreading lies and encouraging panic. That any government statement about the fake disease must be approved by the Vice President in advance brings comfort and assurance to the people of the United States that we have nothing to worry about. This will cause us to buy back the stock we just sold, to spend more money, to travel more, and to work even harder for your reelection. Thank you, Mister President.

Mitch McConnell

Cat Nipped

One of the first important decisions made following the marriage between Joe Howell and Embry Martin, now approaching its 55th anniversary, was our decision in 1966 to adopt a cat. She was a cute little kitty we got from the pound in New York City, who, alas, died on the second or third day with us. I do not even remember if we had given her a name and do not remember what her illness was.  The only saving grace, if you can call it that, was that the tragedy happened so soon we had not become too attached to her.

 Not to be dismayed we immediately started looking for another kitten, this time avoiding the pound and heading to a pet shop on the Upper East Side, where we fell in love with a bluish, gray kitten who was part Siamese and part Russian Blue. We named her Minette (French for “kitten”), and she lived for almost 20 years. She could leap effortlessly from the floor to the top of an open door and was so smart that you thought she might be part human. You might even call her our first “child.” Her most extraordinary feat was surviving on the streets of  New York City by her own wits for over a week when our apartment sitter accidently left the door open, and she disappeared. We were traveling in Europe and did not learn of the incident until our return a few weeks later when we heard about the ordeal. After giving up hope, ten days after Minette’s disappearance, our apartment sitter happened to stumble upon the animal in the apartment lobby, pawing at the front door, trying to get in.

Minette was our favorite of all the six cats we have owned over the years—Maggie (short for “Magnificat”), then litter mates Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac, and, finally, poor little Balaysa, (Portuguese for “beauty”) a tiny, black, shy creature that could not have weighed more than a pound or two, whom we adopted from our daughter, Jessica, when their pit bull terrified the animal so much that she spent most of her time hiding in a closet. Balaysa died in Embry’s arms when we were watching the Kavanaugh Supreme Court nomination hearings  on TV. The cat was fine until Kavanaugh started his testimony following that of Dr. Ford. It was too much for the animal. She went into convulsions and was dead on arrival when Embry rushed her to the vet. We have no idea how old she was or what the actual cause of death was.

After being catless for about a year, this year, we were ready to adopt again, surely our last time. We  missed not having a furry creature around to hear purr and snuggle up with. Since years ago we started with a Russian Blue, we thought it would be nice to complete our cat companionship with another Russian Blue. We found a beautiful one on the internet, filled out all the forms, and were visited by the adoption agency social worker. Two days later Embry delivered the news:

“Just got an email from the cat adoption agency.”

“Great,” I said, “When can we pick this beautiful creature up?”

“We can’t.”

“What do you mean, ‘we can’t’?”

“We have been turned down. We are not qualified to adopt a cat.”

“What do you mean? We have owned six cats. Four of them out lived their life expectancy. In fact when you think about it, there have only been one or maybe two years that we have not had a furry, purring creature in our house or apartment. Are we too old?”

“No. It does not have to do with our age. We haven’t taken our cats for annual check ups.They called our last veterinarian and they spilled the beans. They said that we had not taken Belaysa in for annual check ups plus it is a law in D.C. that you have to.”

“You have got to be kidding! We never even took our kids  for annual check ups!”  

  She was not kidding.  Embry had answered honestly the social worker’s question  that we had not taken every one of our cats for an annual checkup, and the last veterinarian confirmed the truth.  

Matters could be worse, I thought. We could have been thrown in jail.

Since the agency is part of a larger network of animal adoption agencies, our name is now on their list of disqualified applicants. We are blacklisted. Our cat owner days would appear to be  over. I protested to the agency pointing out that four of our cats lived to be over age 15, with an average age of 17 when they died. I even offered to sign a sworn statement to take the cat for annual checkups.

Not sufficient. 

Keep in mind that the cat we were hoping to adopt  had been a stray and that if the agency  cannot find a suitable home for her, she will be put to sleep. If you go to the internet you will find hundreds of cats up for adoption in the Washington area. How many of these animals are not allowed to live because the agency rules out people like us? 

It is true that we did not bring Balaysa in for annual checkups.  We only brought the cat in twice.  But there is also a reason for this. The only thing they could find wrong with Belaysa the first time was her “bad teeth” and insisted that we have her teeth cleaned immediately, a somewhat bizarre request, which I reluctantly agreed to. After the cleaning I was scolded and directed to  brush the cat’s teeth every day–and floss them! And most important, teeth cleaning by a cat dental hygienist should occur quarterly.

I dismissed the absurd idea immediately; but when the bill came in a week or so later, I got the picture. The charge was something like $750.00: $250.00 for the hygienist and $500.00 for the anesthesiologist. And that was on top of the $150.00 bill for the routine visit. If we had followed the veterinarian’s instructions, we would have ended up in the hospital with hand lacerations and would eventually have had to declare bankruptcy.

So this is the world we live in today, I thought. There are way more animals put up for adoption than are able to be placed in loving homes. The ones that do not get adopted are put to sleep. And here is a loving, admittedly elderly, couple, but with a track record of owning cats who lived a very long time and, I might add, were happy. And that couple is now blacklisted from ever adopting a cat again because they missed an annual visit or two (ok, or three) to a vet who directs customers to brush and floss their cats teeth every day?

Oh, my goodness!

And over a week later as I post this sad account, the cat is still listed as up for adoption.

But don’t count us out yet. I am wondering that since we want a Russian Blue, maybe we could get one over there. We know several people who have adopted Russian humans.




Faux News: Democrats to Drop All Future Scheduled Primary Debates

Faux News has learned that the National Campaign Committee of the Democratic Party will cancel all future debates in the primary process for the Democratic nominee for president. When asked why at such a critical time the party is going to drop debates completely, a spokesman responded that careful analysis  has shown that Trump’s approval rating goes up by an average of three points after every Democratic primary debate. The recent debate that occurred in Las Vegas on Wednesday, he said, is expected to result in a five point jump for Trump. Six more debates would give Trump a 20-point advantage at the time of the campaign for the general election. It is a risk the Democrats are not willing to take.

Faux News has conducted a number of focus groups and interviews with people who viewed the Las Vegas debate and learned that most viewers were shocked and dismayed at the vitriol and name calling that went on between and among the six candidates on stage. One participant summed it up as follows: “They obviously despise each other and think that all the other candidates are either corrupt or incompetent or both. The only way they can score a point is to demolish an opponent, and they are doing a pretty good job at that. After two hours of hearing how terrible each opponent is, I have come to the conclusion that Trump is actually starting not to look so bad.”

Other people interviewed by Faux News expressed similar observations and concerns. Half of those interviews volunteered that they were leaving the Democratic Party. One said, “How could anyone remain in a party where there are such incompetent, corrupt, and evil people, who are supposed to be our leaders? Plus they all hate each other. Just look at them: Bloomberg is worse than Harvey Weinstein and likely to end up in jail for illegal stop and frisk orders in New York and from stealing money to make his fortune. Elizabeth Warren, whom I was going to vote for, is a hopeless academic who is going to take away my health  insurance and who screams at her debate opponents. Bernie is a communist who is going to build gulags and jail billionaires. Mayor Pete is a light weight who takes money from rich business people whom he will sell out to in the end plus he is still a kid. Good ole Joe tries hard but can’t get his act together and he is showing his age, and Amy is too conservative to get any votes from progressives like me plus she screams at her staff and can’t remember the name of the head of Mexico. We Democrats are doomed! Just look at what they said to each other, how they treated each other. Would you vote for anyone that is half as bad as any of the candidates on the stage has been portrayed to be by their peers?”

Recognizing the debacle that occurred on Wednesday evening, the Democratic leadership is in the process of inviting proposals for moving forward in a manner that does not permit the candidates to trash their opponents on stage and nudge more former supporters into the Trump camp. The most promising idea presented thus far is to abolish the debates altogether and, in their place, add a mud wrestling contest. There would be two groups, one for men and one for women, and all aspirants to the Democratic nomination could participate provided they signed a pledge, win or lose, not to verbally trash an opponent.  The winner of the men’s mud wrestling contest and the winner of the women’s contest would be the party’s nominees for president and vice president. They would draw straws to determine who gets to run for which office. The short straw holder would get to run for president.

A formal announcement regarding how the beleaguered party will proceed will be forthcoming by the end of the week.

The Way It Is

In preparing for a presentation next week about our trip around the world in 2015, I came upon this blog post, which you probably have read before but I could not help posting again….

To fully appreciate the dynamics involved in the “Big Trip Around The World Without Flying,” you need to know two things and only two things about us: Embry is a Presbyterian and I am an Episcopalian. (Yes, we both are active members of All Souls EPISCOPAL Church in DC, but Embry was brought up Presbyterian and insists on identifying herself as such.)

First a word on Presbyterians. Presbyterians are earnest, hardworking and serious. Because they are hardworking and serious, they make money and they save money. The fundamental principle, however, which governs behavior by Presbyterians is inconspicuous consumption, which is to say that they do not ever want to do anything that would let on that they have money or are anything other than the God fearing, simple-living people that they are. This fact is important for a number of reasons, the most important being that Embry is financing this trip.

Episcopalians on the other hand are polar opposites. Because of our obsession with self-indulgence and pursuing the good life, we spend what little money we have on ourselves and have little left over for savings or anything else. The driving principle behind our behavior, however, is to create the illusion that we are successful and wealthy, and for the most part we succeed in this—in some cases thanks in part to an industrialist grandfather or rich uncle , who being a good Episcopalian. did not give his fortune away to worthwhile charities as would surely have been the case were he a Presbyterian . The whole idea of understated elegance was invented by Episcopalians because we have good taste but can’t afford to buy anything. An Episcopalian friend of mine once commented that anything requiring hard work was not worth doing. That pretty much sums it up. This fact is important also for a number of reasons, the most important being that without an Episcopalian involved, Embry would be staying exclusively in third class hotels and taking buses across Africa. That would not be a good thing. And were not a Presbyterian involved, this Episcopalian would be glued in front of the TV watching the NCAA basketball tournament and complaining about the weather and the Republicans in Congress. This also would not be a good thing—at least compared to this alternative.

So for the record: Presbyterians and Episcopalians are a good fit as has been our marriage of almost 55 years.


Faux News: Hear Ye, Hear Ye

From the President of the United States:

Hear Ye, Hear Ye!

Russia, are you listening? We have won the battle. You are free to do it again. Now do it!

China, are you listening?  If you want a fairer trade deal, you have got your marching orders. I am expecting big things from you.

Ukraine, you BETTER be listening. I know you have the dirt. Now show it.

Turkey, you better start listening. I am expecting help from you too and  you  know it.

Egypt,  are you listening? Show me what you’ve got—or else.

North Korea,  I know you are listening. Our deep  friendship depends on you producing results and you know the results I mean.

Indonesia, what about you? No help, no aid.

Saudi Arabia, I do not have to ask about you. Unleash the dogs.

Brazil, I hope you are listening too. Our friendship depends on what you do.

And to all the countries in the world that share my values and believe in what I believe in and believe in me, you are now free to help the Cause, you are encouraged to help the Cause, dare I say it:  You must help the Cause. Or else.

The U.S. Senate has spoken. This is the new reality, the new Law, the way things will work as we move forward together. God bless the United States Senate, God bless the United States of America, God bless all the Great Counties of the World that share my values and God bless my reelection in 2020.

And beyond!

Faux News: Preview of the 2020 State of the Union Speech

Faux News has been able to steal a copy of the State of the Union speech Trump plans to give on Tuesday, February 4, 2020 before the House, Senate and the nation. A portion of the speech is shown below:


Good evening to my devoted base and all my Republican friends in the Senate. And to everyone else listening or viewing at home other than the sleezy Democrats. This is a day to celebrate my total victory and exoneration regarding the phony impeachment trial. Now I know that the Senate will probably  not vote to acquit until Wednesday, but you know the result just like I do. The witch hunt is over. The Democrats tried to get me once with the Mueller Report and that failed, so they tried again with lies and falsehoods about some alleged, Ukrainian, quid pro quo “drug deal” that never happened. They failed again. The Democrats tried to reverse the election of 2016. They tried to overturn the will of the American people. But they have failed. So, this is a great day for the nation, and I can say that the state of the United States of America has never been stronger. I am in charge, and I am the greatest president to ever live. You know that and you love me for it.

Now before I get into what I plan to do with regard to more cutting taxes for the rich, cutting health care benefits, killing Obamacare, cutting Medicare and Social Security, reducing food stamps and all government handouts, cutting off all immigration, expanding the use of fossil fuels, encouraging more coal mining, killing all environmental regulations, making abortion illegal,  finishing the Wall, humiliating Iran, stomping China, and making America even greater again, I want to explain to you what the upcoming Senate vote on Wednesday to exonerate me  means. It proves that I did nothing wrong on my phone call with Zelensky or anyone else. It proves it was a perfect call.  In fact, I have never done anything wrong. Ever. Or lied. The so-called witness testimonies were all lies. Deep state people. Scoundrels. You Republicans in the Senate stood behind me on this with only two Republican detractors, who are traitors. No one needs to hear testimony from a liar like Bolton or any of the henchman thugs like Parnas.  Thank you, Senators, for setting the record straight and for standing up for your principles. If there is another book written about profiles in courage, you will be in it. Wednesday, when the vote to acquit happens, will be a great day for America!

Now before telling you all the  great things I have done to make America great, I would like to focus on justice. What we have just witnessed here in America was a failed Koodetah [sic]. Now in other great countries like Russia, China, Egypt, Turkey, North Korea, Brazil, or Indonesia, those involved in a Koo[sic] would be executed. That is what should happen here. Pelosi, Schiff, Schumer, and all the so-called House Managers, all of them. That will be the first order of business: to bring them to justice. The same for Romney and Collins. I know the people of America will demand it.

Second, what the investigation did turn up in Ukraine is that Joe Biden had that great prosecutor fired because he was investigating Biden’s corrupt son, Hunter. Joe Biden should also be jailed for treason. The investigations also prove that Ukraine, not Russia, was influencing the election in favor of Hillary. Yet despite a rigged election, I won anyway. I won big time and with no help from anyone. Just me. On my own.

Third, I know that many of you who are my followers belong to citizens’ associations that have falsely been characterized by the Fake News Media, as militias or hate groups. Just because you carry A 15s and AK 47s, ride motorcycles, have tattoos with the face of Hitler, wear motorcycle jackets with swastikas on them,  shave your heads  or have names like Neo Nazi this or Atilla the Hun that does not mean that you do not want to help make me make America great again. You can help right now by standing up for your rights and doing what you have to do. I am not asking you to break any laws, just to do what you have to do, and only you and I know what that is. I say, just do it. This is not a quid pro quo.

Finally, the thing I am most concerned about is how the Fake Press has ruined our country by spreading lies about me. It is long overdue that I put a stop to this, and this will be my number two priority after I bring the traitors to justice. Failing newspapers like the NY Times and the Washington Post and despicable media outlets like PBS, MSNBC, and CNN are a cancer that is ruining our society and must be stopped permanently. I have a plan for that which I will introduce very soon.

Now I want to go into detail why I am great, what I have done to make our country great pretty much all by myself, and why I should be elected for at least another term. This will take some time, because I have done so much….