FN: Thank you, Mr. Speaker, and Mr. Majority Leader of the Senate, for agreeing to this exclusive interview.
McConnell: Never turn down an interview with Fox News. Hey, you want a beer? [McConnell opens a cooler and pulls out three beers.] You have a choice of Coors. They are a major supporter of ultra conservative causes, you know. And you can have a Yuengling. The Yuengling family is one of Trump’s buddies.
FN: Actually Yuengling is my favorite beer.
McConnell: You like beer? I like beer. Paul likes beer, right Paul? You like beer, don’t you, Paul?
Ryan: Hey, everybody likes beer. Except Trump. He does not drink. But everyone else likes beer. I like it. You like it. Brett likes it. Our Fox News reporter likes it. Beer is great, really great! [McConnell opens three beer cans and passes them around.]
FN: My first question to you, Mr. McConnell, is how do you interpret the Kavanaugh victory.
McConnell: Well, first of all it was a bipartisan victory and a win for the whole country. He showed the world what he was made of and why he is a great man. He was framed by a woman who probably was paid by George Soros or Hillary Clinton or somebody to fabricate a totally unbelievable story, and no one believed her. It was great that our Senate on a bipartisan basis, both Republicans and a Democrat, saw through this phony accusation, as did the American people.
FN: With all due respect, sir, I believe women are very upset by this along with some men, and polls show the majority of Americans actually supporting Doctor Christine Blasey Ford.
McConnell: Nonsense. Fake News. You guys at Fox News should know better.
FN: Actually it is spelled Faux News and pronounced like “foe,” not “fox.” Our name makes us sound like sort of a French newspaper.
McConnell: I am leaving. Paul, we have been ambushed.
Ryan: No, Mitch. Let’s answer a couple of more questions. The French are interested in what happened and why.
McConnell: French splinch.
FN: Mr. Ryan, I know that you are leaving the House soon and have had a distinguished career. How do you look back on your legacy?
Ryan: Damn good beer. Thanks, Mitch, for bringing, Now to your question. My true legacy will be responsible tax policies and fiscal responsibility. I have fought for fiscal constraint, smaller government, and a balanced budget and am proud of what I have accomplished.
FN: But surely you are aware of the enormous deficit that is the result of the massive tax bill which just passed and has benefitted the rich at the expense of the fiscal responsibility. The deficit is growing by leaps and bounds with no end in sight, and further tax cuts are promised by Trump.
Ryan: Where in France did you say you are from?
FN: Not France, just a French name.
Ryan: You are right, Mitch. Ambushed.
FN: What I want to know is how could you vote for such a fiscally irresponsible tax bill?
Ryan: Okay, you asked and here is my answer. There are three reasons. First, the rich need a break. They are over taxed and unfairly treated, especially the top one percent. Sure, they are billionaires, but they have to pay so much taxes it is not fair. It is time they got some relief, and more is coming though I won’t be around to see it since I will be retired. But I know it is coming.
Second, just look at the stock market and the labor market. The economy is booming. Big corporations are making money hand over fist. Everyone who wants a job can get one. UnEmployment is the lowest it has been since the Sixties. Ok wages have not risen, but frankly that has never been much of a concern anyway.
Third, it will pay for itself. Because the rich will be even richer and the big companies even bigger, though they will pay a smaller share of their income for taxes, they will actually pay more taxes and the deficit will go way down.
FN: But is that happening right now? I believe the deficit is actually going way up.
Ryan: For now, yes, but not in the future.
FN: How can that be?
McConnell: The way that we will assure that the deficit is under control is what we are calling Plan B. We have been working on this secretly for some time and are going to roll it out right after the mid term elections. Plan B is to drastically cut wasteful federal programs. They are a disgrace, and we cannot afford them.
Ryan: You are right, Mitch. The answer is to gut the programs that we all know do not work. Here is what we will do, and by the way, we have the votes to do this. Even in a lame duck Congress, we will pass these bills, and Trump will sign them all. It will be the biggest roll back of these hideous, wasteful, pork barrel, and useless programs in the history of the Republic.
Here is what you can expect in legislation that I will introduce the day after the mid term elections: Medicaid? No more federal funding. If states want to continue, they can, but not on the federal nickel. Same for food stamps, a totally useless program. Disability and so called Section 8, Housing Choice Vouchers and public housing, all forms of welfare, plus most of the federal money for mass transit? Outa there! Federal support for education? Gone. US AID? No money for that giveaway.
And we are going to eliminate funding for entire agencies like the EPA. Good riddance to that fiasco of an agency that pretends to deal with issues that do not even exist like climate change. And also the Department of Education and Energy and HUD. All useless. More will follow, like the IRS and Transportation. If states like the useless stuff these agencies do, they can continue on their own.
Anyway that is the easy stuff. We figure it will cut the federal work force by 40%. We will also sharply curtail both social security and Medicare though we have not worked out all the details. Seniors will scream bloody murder, so we will have to deal more gently, but I guarantee it will happen. This rollout is the big news that your so called Foe Press can publish. This will change America forever and for the better, and this will assure my legacy.
McConnell [opening the cooler]: More beers anybody?
FN: I think I will take a glass of very strong Scotch.
McConnell: And the beauty of all this is that right now, we, The Party of Trump, control everything. We control the House, the Senate, and now the Supreme Court. If Trump has his way and the Court backs him up as we know it will, we will soon own the press as well. We have a strongman as our President who calls all the shots. No one dares cross him. Trump is not only for this legislation, he has assured me that by whatever means necessary it will pass. This is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to make America great again, and we are doing it. Paul and I both will go down in the history books as the greatest ever along with President Trump, of course.
FN: Unless there is a big backlash at the polls and the American people do not accept this nonsense.
McConnell: OK, this interview is over. I have heard enough from this foe news guy! Let’s go, Paul. [Both men chug down their second beer, give each other a high five and exit the interview.]