You may not have seen or heard about this because no major news organizations, except the newly established Trump News, were invited to Trump’s first press conference, which was held in the lobby of Trump Tower appropriately on Black Friday. Embry and I were in New York City on that day and happened to be walking by, saw the vast crowds and police, and after passing the multiple vendors selling Make America Great hats, Trump jewelry, Trump cosmetics and Trump campaign memorabilia, managed to squeeze our way close enough to hear what he was saying. I had my handy recording device and captured every word. Here is the transcript verbatim:
Trump: I am having my first post election press conference as President-Elect because I just learned of the recount being conducted in Wisconsin. This is a dumb and stupid idea, which is a waste of money and will prove nothing. I won by a landslide. This is a mandate. Unprecedented. I will be the new president. Period. Plus I have Vladi’s—that is what Putin told me to call him this morning when we had our regular check in—Vladi’s word that Russia had nothing to do with any hacking of election machines or for that matter with hacking and leaking any emails. It is just a feeble excuse by sore losers. Get over it Democrats. I won. Suck it up and move on. Now first question:
Mr. President-Elect , Mr. President-Elect, …[shouts from the audience]
Trump: All right third row, John, from The Tribune-Phonograph, Abbotsford, Wisconsin.
John from the Tribune-Phonograph: What will be your first action the day after you are sworn in?
Trump: Naturally to repeal Obama Care and replace it with Trump Care. Ivanka and Jared are finishing up the planning as I speak. It will involve using reverse engineered savings accounts and introducing more players into the insurance business including Trump Health Inc., which was formed two days ago and is now available for investment opportunities. Donald Junior will head this up. The company will be big, really big and will totally and completely change health care delivery and insurance as we know it. Great investment opportunity. Really great! Next question. Sarah from the Baraboo News Republic, Baraboo, Wisconsin, in the back.
Sarah from The Baraboo New Republic: Sir, what about the wall?
Trump: Going up Day Two. I have already formed two companies to get this done quickly and cheaply. Everybody knows the government is inept so I had no choice. Trump Rock Inc. will provide the concrete and barbed wire and Trump Works Inc. will construct the wall. Half the people you saw entering Trump Tower this week were interviewing for these positions, not for some lousy government job. Trump Wall will happen fast, and it will be big and beautiful. People will love it who live on both sides of it. Freddy, from the Kenosha News, Kenosha, Wisconsin, front row on the left, you are next. What is your question?
Freddy from Kenosha News: What about massive deportations?
Trump. Going to happen soon but same problem as with the Wall. Government can’t do it. Too incompetent. My children, Tiffany and Eric, are working on this. Trump Deport Security Inc. will sniff ‘em out, handcuff ‘em, and Trump Wheels will take them to Trump Hostelries, which will be like mini hotels with bars on the windows and without the amenities of a Trump hotel, of course. They won’t want to leave, it will be so nice, so you bleeding heart Democrats don’t have to shed any tears over these no good illegals, who don’t belong here, and who will be thrown out of the country. Probably flown out on Trump Airlines, which I am now reviving. Melania will run this. My son, Barron, will be vice president when he turns twelve. Great airline by the way! George, in the back, from Adrian, Michigan, The Michigan Christian Advocate.
George from the Michigan Christian Advocate: What will you do for the working class, which was the key to your getting elected?
Trump: Everything. I am going to cut taxes across the board. Of course, the major cuts go to the Winners, not the Losers. That is the way it should be. But the Winners will spend money, and create jobs for my supporters, who I am sorry to say and I really mean this when I say I am sorry–are Losers. Plus I have plans for a whole bunch of new golf courses, and do you have any idea how much caddies get from tips at my exclusive golf courses and resorts? A lot more than you journalists make, that is for sure. Horace, from The Record Herald, Waynesboro, Pennsylvania on the right near the aisle.
Horace from the Record Herald: What about the Paris climate change deal?
Trump: I did say the other day that I would give that a second look and I will. In fact I have decided to set up Trump Labs Inc., which will do the research and render a non biased opinion. The government , of course, will pay for the research. If Trump Labs Inc. says climate change is happening, I may decide to stay in the deal, but I will renegotiate it so we get a sweeter deal and everyone else pretty much gets screwed– which means that the Chinese will end up footing the bill. You are next–Sammy from the Battle Creek Enquirer, Battle Creek, Michigan, front row.
Sammy from The Battle Creek Enquirer : What about the Chinese? Are you really going to put in tariffs?
Trump: Damn right I will. I will show ‘em. What is the guy’s name who heads up that country? Can’t remember right now and even if I could I couldn’t pronounce it, but he will find out real fast who I am and what it means to be a winner.
Sammy: And if they try to retaliate by putting tariffs on our exports?
Trump. Well, I don’t know about you, Sammy, but that sounds like an act of war to me. George, from The Herald-Standard, Union Town, Pennsylvania, you get the last question.
George from the Herald-Standard: Do you think that Russia will go along with all that you want to do?
Trump: Well, Vladi and I talk almost every day, and he is pretty much on board. We understand each other, two of a kind so to speak, both winners with shared mutual interests. Besides, he is one of my main investors and has as much to lose as I do. And we have plans for new Trump hotels to go up in cities all over Russia. Great investment opportunities.
Mr. President–Elect! Mr. President-Elect! [shouts from the crowd]
Trump: Okay one final question. Roger from Trump News.
Roger from Trump News: Do you have any regrets so far?
Trump: My only regret is how hard it is to fill all these important positions. And once I do that, then I have to start on the Cabinet appointments and other government jobs. That could take forever.
So that there is no mistake, please note that the above event is a figment of my imagination and did not happen BUT IT COULD HAVE!
9 thoughts on “Thanksgiving Weekend Fantasy Tale: Trump’s First Post Election Press Conference”
Cute Joe. I thought this was Thanksgiving, not April Fools Day!
Great business ventres!!!
Joe, great post! I’d LMAO if it weren’t so true.
Joe: You really don’t add much to the reality of Trump. Everything this man says and does, from the announcement of his candidacy on. reads like satire, which is the light side of the Giant Con. But you may have promise as a humor writer. Why not try your hand (or maybe just your typing fingers!) at something that is really funny, like maybe global warming?
I agree. This is very scary. It sounds as if he intends to bypass congress and govern by executive order. He must have read Mein Kampf. Where else could he have come up with such a notion?
So now I will try to wax serious for a few minutes. It won’t be easy. As you know, I voted against Trump the person. Leading up to the election I developed several mental hernias trying to figure out how to vote against both candidates without voting for either one. Couldn’t do it. I just couldn’t consider Jill Stein and the other guy real candidates. So I swallowed HRC’s confiscatory tax plan and checkered record and, in the most remote and private voting booth I could find, gave her my vote. Quite simply, I just could not vote for a person like DJT any more than I could have voted for Jimmy Hoffa or Mike Tyson.
So now what? Well, in 2020, he will be74 and perhaps sick and tired of the job. The people who stayed home on election day and then hit the streets in protest the next will not stay home. If he doesn’t deliver, a lot, then he should be a one termer.
So now this comment will pass into Purgatory and await your “moderation” which I think is a code word for censorship.
I don’t see how this guy can last even one year, let along four, if he does not change his personality and temperament. I would like to see him grow into the job and actually follow a moderate course for all Americans, but I am not holding my breath. I do not know how it will all end but I fear it will end disastrously and hope and pray he does not bring the rest of us down with him.
No mention of the Supreme Court. Supreme Court decisions reach into every aspect of our lives, both political and personal. Trump will likely have the opportunity to appoint two, and possibly four justices in the next four years. He will undoubtedly stack the court with reactionaries or “regressivists,” the terms that are best applied. “Conservatives” do not justly define the adherents of Trump ideology. Or he may choose not to make any appointments. What would that mean?
This is if possible the MOST frightening part of his time in office (which should never have come about!).