Reader Alert: This is fake news.

 

The second Trump press conference was held on December 9, 2016, in the auditorium of Liberty University where journalists from the various religious evangelical publications were invited. Here is how it went:

Trump: Great to be here at Liberty, the greatest university in the world! I will be having most of my press conferences here in the future along with invitations to the best journalists—those representing evangelical Christian newspapers. You surely aren’t going to see representatives of those fake news organizations like the New York Times or the Washington Post at one of my press conferences.

I first would like to thank you for supporting me. I understand that some 80% of you voted for me, and many think that I am the Second Coming of Jesus himself, so I say thank you. And I am not going to deny that your opinion is correct. I have so much respect for you. I will not let you down and will keep doing what I have been doing, which is why you voted for me. I won’t let you down or my working class supporters down, who voted for me overwhelmingly. Beautiful, just beautiful and really, really big. Unprecedented and a mandate, a mandate for change, and believe me, you are going to see some changes. I am draining the swamp. Day One, 12.01 pm, January 20.

Now the first question.

George, Salvation Press, Lubbock, Texas: Mr. President Elect. Tell us how your Cabinet appointees will promote Christian values.

Trump: Well, I have selected a lot of good Christians, who can and will kick ass, excuse me, bring Jesus to the masses. I’ve got three generals, and they do not fool around, let me tell you. You will be able to sleep at night for a change. Those no good, infidel Muslims. They will be history– at least in the U.S. and we will track them down wherever they are. Very fast. Flynn, National Security Advisor, he can’t stand these people and will head this up. This will happen very fast. Starting 12:01 on January 20. Now if they want to become Christian and behave themselves, then we might be talking another story.

Trump: Next Question.

Bill, Good News Radio, Gunther, SC: What about them other immigrants, the illegal ones?

Trump: Same story. Gone, starting Day 1. Big, really big. Unprecedented. My Homeland Security guy hates these people. Eleven million, can you believe it? All the jobs they have stolen from hard working Americans—house cleaning, car washing, landscaping, grape picking, baby sitting, bus boys, janitors, dish washers, house painters, delivery boys.

Sally, Praise Jesus Radio, Dog Ear, Alabama: What about your Supreme Court appointee?

Trump: Haven’t got there yet but don’t worry. I know why you voted for me.

Jim: Holiness News, Akron, OH.: Is it true that half your cabinet members are multi billionaires, like you?

Trump: Absolutely and you know why? God helps his special people and these people are special, believe me, really special. There is a reason they are rich, and there is a reason I am rich. We are all rich because we started with nothing and showed what we can do. God is impressed. Believe me, he is. That is why we are so rich and I mean really, rich. Some fake news reporters have said I am not worth $11 billion, only five or six billion, but I tell you I am worth a lot more than $11 billion and I did it all by myself.

George, Salvation Daily News, Geezer’s Gulch, Idaho: Could you describe your church experience and current spiritual life?

Trump: Next question.

Billy, Sanctimonious Press, Cloudy, Arkansas. And what about your working class supporters?

Trump: Love ‘em. Without them I would not be president, and believe me, they will get their reward. First, my Treasury guy, who is worth several billion, I don’t know exactly, maybe five or six billion, not anywhere near as much as I am worth, he is going to cut taxes big time. Day one. 12.01pm January 20, and it will be great. Now the tax breaks will go mainly to the billionaires like me and him–and that is good and will help my loyal, working class followers. The billionaires are the job creators. These tax  breaks will create jobs for janitors and housekeepers and car washers. But that is only the beginning. My Labor guy, Mr. Fast Food, he is going to kill the minimum wage and get rid of job protections. Those are job killers. America is going to be free again. And my Commerce guy, hey, he hates China and is going to kill Chinese imports. That will bring American factory jobs back, Day One. Maybe you will pay a buck or two more at Walmart, but it is all junk anyway, and this is nothing compared to what you get in return. Big, really big. More jobs. And the EPA guy, well, he is going to kill clean energy and bring back all the coal and mining jobs, and all this nonsense about global warming? That is in God’s hands. If he wants to warm it up, let him do it. Hey, it’s his planet, right? So what I am really going to be known for is what I will do for working people. You think they love me now, just wait a few years.

Fred, Prayerful News, Paducah, KY. What about civil rights and that sort of thing.?

Trump: I told you America is gonna be great again, and all these politically correct things and hoops you have got to jump through to satisfy some dimwit judge? Well, Day One that is over. My buddy, Jeff Sessions the Attorney General, has been working against this his whole life. We love minorities in the U.S.– the few who work hard and earn a decent living, but welfare has ruined them. And Ben Carson at HUD, he hates all these giveaway programs as much as I do. Public Housing, Vouchers? Gone. Day One.

Final Question.

Jennifer, Praise the Lord Press, Grinders Switch, Tennessee: But can you really do all this on Day One?

Trump: Don’t know. Really have not had time to look at the Constitution. Thank you all for coming and God bless my evangelical and working class friends.