January 20, 2017
Chief Justice, Members of Congress, members of my Cabinet–the best ever assembled in the history of the world–honored guests, special guest Vladimir Putin, and the American people:
This is a great honor to be here today, and I want to thank all of you for the most overwhelming presidential victory in American history. Were it not for all the illegal voting by illegal aliens, criminals, rapists, and discontents, I would have had the largest victory ever. In fact I think it actually was the largest, even with all the illegal voting, but it was rigged. But I won anyway and I won big, really big. So thank you, thank you for the mandate to drain the swamp and throw out the useless bureaucrats and elites, who have ruined our country and ruined our lives, and for the chance to make America great again. And I WILL make America great again.
We find ourselves right now in the worst shape the country has ever been in. If you do the math, unemployment is at an all time high. Jobs are disappearing by the millions. All our trade deals suck. The economy is shrinking, and people hate what is happening and what has happened over the past eight years. They are angry. Obama came in when America was great and ruined it. I will put it back together again. It will be great again. Unbelievable. Really beautiful and it will be great.
Now many have asked what am I going to do the first 100 days. I am going to make America great. Really great. Great and beautiful. Incredibly great again. I will do this by repealing and replacing Obama Care today, right now. I will unveil a plan later today which will end Obama Care at exactly 4:59 pm and preplace it with a new plan, Trump Care, which will insure everyone at a much lower cost and will add benefits, not take them away, and it will be much cheaper, I mean really cheap. And it will be great. You will love it. All of you except for the elites, criminals, rapists, illegal aliens, discontents, sore losers, and the crooked press. Congress will approve it tomorrow.
Next I will build the wall—bigger and better than you can ever imagine, and it will be great, and it will be beautiful, and Mexico will pay for all of it. Every penny. I will get this done by directing the U.S. Army to take on this task and to complete it in six weeks. We have the greatest army in the world, and I know they can to it. If we put every one of the 1,281,900 soldiers to work on it, it will happen, and it will happen fast. Congress will approve this tomorrow.
Then I am going to start draining the swamp. I am freezing all government employment and government funding and directing all my wonderful Cabinet members to reduce their agency employment by 25% the first year and by 50% in year two. By the end of my first term we will have no more federal employees. The swamp will have been drained.
Some of you discontents may be asking how I can do this. Who will deliver the mail? The answer is the private sector. Free enterprise. Business. In fact last week I directed my two sons, who will run all my businesses, to set up new Trump businesses, which will do most of this work, which was so poorly done by stupid government workers. I have promised not to talk to them about it anymore because I am now the president. Of course, I could talk to them if I wanted to, but all the elites, criminals, rapists, discontents, and the crooked press would object so I will just let them run it. I could easily run all my companies, which many have said are the greatest in the world, and the government, but I am not going to. Why? Because all the elites, criminals, rapists, discontents and the crooked press would complain. So I am making the sacrifice, and believe me, it is a sacrifice.
Next I am going after the Dreamers. Today. Starting today at 4:59 pm their “dream” is going to turn into a nightmare. I have established an elite Deportation Force of many thousands and am federalizing all state national guards to report to them and assist them. We will have all the Dreamers out of here in a few days and all 12 million illegal aliens, criminals and rapists out of here in a matter of weeks. My sons have established a new business, Trump Incarceration, to hold them until we get them delivered back to Mexico or wherever they came from, and it will not cost us a penny. The other countries are paying.
And I am going after the climate change nutcases immediately. These are the elites, criminals, rapists and members of the crooked press who are like Chicken Little saying the sky is falling. Enough of this fake news that says the earth is getting warmer. It is all a hoax. So we are getting out of the Paris deal, and I am repealing every directive Obama did on the environment. Let job creation begin!
Speaking of job creation, all you job creators, you are getting your Christmas present a little late—and I say Christmas, not Holiday present like all the elites would like for me to say in order to be politically correct: Your taxes will go down, way down in 2017. Both personal and corporate, and your profits will soar because at the same time I will make it illegal to establish a minimum wage anywhere. Let America grow again! Make America great again!
There is so much more that I will be doing. Just follow my tweets and you will find out. But one thing for sure is that I will put an end to all this fake news. It has gone way too far and will be outlawed. Crooked news organizations like the New York Times, Washington Post and CNN will not be allowed to attend any of my press conferences and will be sued for saying anything uncomplimentary about me in the future. As soon as I get my Supreme Court appointee installed, we will put a nail in the coffin of the fake news industry for good. When that happens, then America will be truly great again.
Finally, I want to thank my good friend, Vladimir Putin, for coming all the way from Moscow to be here with me to celebrate. His support has meant a great deal to me, and I am honored that he came. I am looking forward to a great, really great relationship with him as we move forward together to make America truly great again.
God bless Vladimir Putin and God bless the American people!
10 thoughts on “Warning: Fake News, Draft copy of the Inaugural Address of President Trump”
Great, Joe. Happy New Year to you and Mimi. You might want to change the first part of the second paragraph to be: It is a great honor for you, the audience, to be here today to watch the inauguration of the greatest President in the history of this nation. Much greater than Lincoln, Washington and all those losers.
Great idea! That would be perfect.
i waiver between tears and guffaws and and end upjust plain shaking in my boots.
While fake, it may be closer to reality than we think. We shall soon see….
“God bless us everyone ” Tiny Tim
An insightful and profound comment for which I am humbly grateful.
“Bah! Humbug!” Donald Trump
This is IT? This is the only comment from the professor? I am shocked! As much as we want to try to forget about the approaching catastrophe, we can’t close our eyes. History will eat us up. But what to do? That is the question.
Thank you Joe, with all my heart.
Perhaps you should just forward this along to DJT. It will save him the work of trying to put sentences together on his own. Love you so much and am so so grateful for you and all your gifts. Right now your gift for words is helping your family and friends get through a very difficult time.
So afraid this is more truth than fiction.