Faux News: All the fake news that is fit to print: “Trump’s Historical First 100 Days”

Perhaps never before in all of human history has one person accomplished so much during the first 100 days of being the President of the United States. All the pundits are weighing in with unanimous accolades. Here is our exclusive interview with our president:

Faux News (FN); “So Mr. President, how do you rate your presidency so far?”

Trump: “The greatest ever. No one has ever done so many great things in such a short period of time.”

FN: “Let’s start with domestic policy. What have you accomplished so far?”

Trump: “More than anyone. Ever. Three new hotel sites in DC are in the works, and my luxury hotel in the Old Post Office building is booked for the next three years at rates that you would not believe. Just since I have been president, we have raised the rates four times, and now they start at $800/ night. Just about every country in the world has a room booked at some point over the next four years. Is that progress or what? Got Trump hotels, restaurants, resorts going up all over the U.S.”

FN: “But what about your base—the common men and women who love you so much?”

Trump: ”Hotels in the works in Wisconsin, Ohio and Pennsylvania. Jobs, jobs, jobs.”

FN: ”But aren’t you trying to kill Obamacare and rip apart the social safety net?”

Trump: ”Absolutely. My base will get their health care through their employers, and there won’t be any need for any safety net because everyone will have a job. Might not pay all that much, but a job is a job. There will be jobs in the Deportation Force, in the new prisons that will house all the illegal immigrants we are rounding up, and in coal mining and gas station attendants.”

FN: “But what about your tax reforms which seem to be targeted to the rich?”

Trump: ”I am rewarding the job creators who hire the low life people who voted for me. That is who deserves it, and my base understands that. My base will always love me, no matter what I do. Just look at the polls.”

FN: “Why do they love you when you actually are helping the rich?”

Trump: ”Two reasons. First, I will make America great again and they know that. In fact I have already made it great again. I lead from the front, not the back, and I kick ass. Just ask anyone. Second. Trickle down. The money that I and my family and rich friends make trickles down, and my base will get their fair share. It is not all that much, but more than they currently make. And they will love me for it. Anyway I do not have to do anything for these people. I could shoot them and they would still love me. Some of them think I am a god, which when you really get down to it, I am. Who has ever done so much for so few in such a short period of time?”

FN: ”What about foreign policy?”

Trump: “Terrific success. Hotels, golf courses and resorts going up in China and Russia and Turkey and Egypt and just about everywhere. I even have Rex working on something in North Korea. That is really the only reason I have not nuked them. But I might just go ahead and nuke them anyway. But so far you have got to admit that no one has ever done so much to show the world we are number one. Plus, I pretty much have eliminated terrorism. No terrorist has attacked the U.S. the entire time I have been president. Compare that to what happened under Obamacare.”

FN: “But you really have not gotten any legislation through congress.”

Trump: “Since when was that important? I don’t need them. I am ruling by executive order; and if I had my way, frankly, I would ditch the whole lot of them, Republicans as well as Democrats. In fact I may ditch them. This is a new presidency. I am ruling like no one before. I am making America great again. This is why I won by the greatest margin in U.S. history—to drain the swamp and stick it to all those elitist liberals who don’t understand the common man like I do.”

FN: “But what about all the government positions that are going vacant? You have hardly hired anyone.”

Trump: “And I am not going to. We don’t need them. Jared can handle most of the stuff with some help from Ivanka. I ran my company this way, and the way I see it this is just another family business.”

FN:” But you just told Reuters that things were more complicated than you at first thought. That it was actually harder than running your business.”

Trump:” I was misquoted by the no good media. They hate me and they say bad things about me. Very bad. Very, very bad. Frankly, I hate all the media except, of course, for Fox News and Breitbart, and they are the only ones that tell the truth. The others should be banned and will be banned as soon as I can get around to it. But I do not really have all that much time to do everything all at once and right now I have people waiting for me at the first hole tee. So got to go.”

FN: “Thank you, Mister President. Thank you for making America great again.”




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