FAUX NEWS EXCLUSIVE: The Deficit Hawks Return

The following meeting occurred in a conference room in the U.S. Capitol on Monday, December 4. One of our reporters was there, disguised as a waiter, and here is his story.

By-invitation-only, a celebratory reception took place on Monday in the U.S. Capitol  where several dozen Republican members of Congress were present. Even though the conference committee has not come out with a bill to reconcile the House and Senate versions of the tax “reform” act, there was euphoria among those present, which included Paul Ryan, Mitch McConnell and others in leadership positions. Following congratulatory remarks and toasts to the President for what was described as his inspiring leadership and the fine moral example he is setting for the country, the world, and our nation’s children, the conversation focused on the tax reform victory and the next steps.

Here is a verbatim transcript secretly taken by our reporter:


Mr Ryan: Well we did it, Mitch, we showed ‘em. At last tax relief for those who contribute so much to our economy and have suffered so much under Obama.

Mr. McConnell: You are right, Paul. The Fake Press gives the one percenters a hard time, but let’s face it, were it not for them, we would not be the country we are today. They are the job creators. They make our country great. They pay so much in taxes, and it is a shame and disgrace that almost half the U.S. tax payers get off with paying little or nothing. This is a national scandal, and the bill, when it becomes law, will start to level that playing field.

Mr. Graham: And let’s be honest. If we could not deliver, our party would be toast. The Koch Brothers would be pulling out, and we would lose most of our big donors. We delivered for them, and the payoff to us will be beyond anything we have ever dreamed of. We should have so much more money than the Democrats, we will dominate the Congress  from now on. The Democrats won’t have a chance.

Cheers from those gathered.

Ms. Collins: You are right, gentlemen, but do you think the bill when it is reconciled will do much for the poor, the working class, and those less fortunate?

Mr. McConnell: Suzie, you just don’t get it, do you? Trump’s base will vote for him under any conditions. He could kill someone on Fifth Avenue like he said and they would not change. They love him. They love his tweets, and he is the darling of the Evangelical Christians. Many see him as the Second Jesus Christ. First, they are too dumb to know that they are being screwed, and, second, as long as Trump keeps fighting Muslims, immigrants, minorities and bleeding heart Democrats they will be just fine. As for the others? So what? In the end the poor, the working class and the less fortunate mean diddly.

Ms. Collins: Even if they lose their health care?

Mr. Ryan: Enough of that. Now that we have been victorious we must move on to our next agenda item—fiscal responsibility. As I have said all along throughout my entire career: the deficit is killing us and that the number one goal of the Republican Party, the party of prudence, is to get our house in financial order.

Mr. Corker: How can we claim to be the responsible party when we just added what is likely to be two trillion dollars to the deficit?

Mr. McConnell: Who let Corker into the room?

Mr Corker is forcefully removed by security guards.

Mr. Ryan: So I am proud to announce the plan that many of us have been working on in secret while the tax reform bill was being written. “The Fiscal Responsibility Act To Make America Fair Again.” Mitch, why don’t you introduce the committee report?

Mr. McConnell: We Republicans all agree that there should not be any deficits, and to prevent that from happening we are going to repeal virtually all the giveaway programs, which started in the New Deal and have been growing by leaps and bounds every time we get a Democrat in the White House. This will be like the tax reform we have just completed. Just like our beloved president and moral leader has said, it will be big and beautiful and incredible. In a word, we will phase out Medicare, Medicaid, Social Security, all forms of welfare, Housing Vouchers, food stamps, child heath care and virtually all other subsidies aimed at helping people who do not want to help themselves. These people tend to be lazy, have no ambition and frankly it is about time they have to be made to fend for themselves rather than beg for government handouts. It is about time that that they learn that being irresponsible has consequences.

Ms. Collins: That sounds cruel to me.

Mr. Ryan: Don’t worry, Suzie, we won’t pitch it that way. We won’t say anything bad about these pathetic, working stiffs who can’t make it on their own. The case we will make is that while we love everybody, we just can’t afford to keep paying out all this money and that we must maintain our legacy as the party of fiscal responsibility. We have to do it for the sake of the country. If we don’t get our financial house in order we will no longer be great as a country. The President we so love and respect so much has said this better than anyone—Make America Great Again!

Cheers throughout the room.

Mr. Ryan: This is not the time to go into details on how the phase out will work, but the basic idea is to replace virtually all government handout programs with individual savings accounts for health care, retirement, education, food and nutrition, you name it. The Democrats will be pitching Medicare-for-All. Our mantra will be 401Ks-for-all.

Mr. Flake: Do you think this will resonate with the middle class?

Mr. McConnell: Who let Flake in?

Mr. Flake is forcefully removed by security guards.

Mr. McCain: Certainly you guys can’t be serious.

Mr. Ryan: Not only are we serious, we are virtually guaranteed success. Remember who will have all the campaign money. We will, and we will use it wisely. With the Big Boys behind us even more than in the past, we will control Congress and the White House forever as far as I can tell.

Unidentified Senator from the back of the room: And if we need it, we will get all the extra help from the Russians!

Senator is forcefully removed, screaming “lock her up, lock her up.” Reception  is concluded with cheers and applause.

4 thoughts on “FAUX NEWS EXCLUSIVE: The Deficit Hawks Return

  1. Excellent.
    I thought about forwarding this to our (I call him “Boot-straps”)
    Congressman, Ryan Williams, who, believe me, would salivate if he read your
    piece about the lazy good for nothing people who depend on the social programs
    Democrats have put in place over the decades.
    So many Tennesseans aren’t educated enough to realize that Trump has sold them a bill of goods.
    TN has gone 3 to 1 Republican / Democrat, national and local, and there is not much chance of that changing
    any time soon. I attended a party the other night where 40-ish friends gathered. Yep, all left wing radical liberals.
    One young woman was going to run for TN Senate. Not a chance in H___, but we all encouraged her anyway.

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