Predictions for 2018

Many who have suffered through the last 12 months thought it was a pretty bad year but eventful nonetheless. Perhaps historic. But 2017 will be nothing when compared to 2018. Here are my predictions:

  • January. On January 2, Trump tweets that by executive order the capital of the United States will move from Washington, DC to Mar-a-Lago effective immediately. Republicans will be provided free room and board at the resort. Democrats will fend for themselves. The President states in his prepared remarks, “This is beautiful and incredible, and if I can change the capital of Israel, I surely can do it here!” Pence praises Trump as the greatest president to ever live. Nicki Haley announces the U.S. is pulling out of the U.N. and forming a new international body called the “United Alliance,” consisting of all of America’s allies and friends—Honduras, Guatemala, Togo, the Marshall Islands, Micronesia, Nauru, Palau, and Israel. She says all other nations are officially black listed. Trump praises Haley, saying the move is long overdue.

 

  • February. In a long-anticipated move, Trump orders the firing of Robert Mueller, who is removed from his office in handcuffs. Assistant Attorney General Rosenstein objects and is fired immediately and jailed. Trump appoints Roy Moore to replace Rosenstein, and Moore immediately cancels the FBI investigation stating, “There never was a spec of evidence showing the Russians had anything to do with U.S. elections. Period.” Pence applauds the move, tweeting that Trump is the greatest president to ever live. Moore is promoted to attorney general replacing Jeff Sessions, who is hospitalized following an opioid overdose. Trump appoints David Duke, Grand Wizard of the Ku Klux Klan, to replace Moore as Deputy Attorney General, stating in a nationally televised address that Duke has been misunderstood and actually represents “the true values of America, the best we have.”

 

  • March. Ginsburg retires from the Supreme Court. Trump nominates Moore, who is confirmed along party lines using the reconciliation process. David Duke is promoted to Attorney General to replace Moore. The stock market reaches one record high after another as the American public experiences the enormous tax savings to the middle class, about $200 a year average for those making under $60,000 a year. Pence tweets again that Trump is the greatest human being “to walk on the face of the Earth.”

 

  • April. Trump achieves what some have described as his only foreign policy achievement by swapping the Atlanta Hawks (record 8-25) professional basketball team for Kim-jon-Un’s entire nuclear arsenal. Tillerson is fired and replaced by Dennis Rodman as Secretary of State. In an unrelated move, Putin purchases the Charlotte Panthers from owner Jerry Richardson, who is forced to sell the team because of allegations of sexual misconduct. Putin announces he is building a   new football stadium in Moscow, which he is calling Trump Stadium in honor of “ his close friend, the American President.” Pence tweets that Trump is a man “with Messianic qualities.”

 

  • May. By executive order Trump declares that climate change is a hoax and that the EPA will be repositioned and rebranded as the “Environmental Production Agency.” All national parks will be sold immediately to corporations, which Trump says now have “money to burn because of so many beautiful and incredible tax savings.”

 

  • June. Trump proposes a bill, which passes along party lines declaring the New York Times, The Washington Post, CNN, MSNBC and the New Yorker as fake new organizations and orders that all fake news organizations be closed and reporters of fake news be jailed. Joe Scarborough is arrested immediately. The law is upheld by the Supreme Court as being constitutional, and Roy Moore, who cast the decisive vote, praises Trump as the greatest man to ever live. Pence calls a press conference to say he loves the President more than Roy Moore does.

 

  • July. With Trump’s support, Congress passes along party lines a “Total Entitlement Reform Act” which eliminates Medicaid, Social Security, the Affordable Care Act, and Medicare, and replaces them with a Trump Card. The act does not state what the Trump Card actually does. The CBO predicts that the act will eliminate the entire deficit in 25 years. Paul Ryan declares this the “greatest victory of all time” and immediately calls for more tax cuts to help the embattled one per centers, “who are unfairly stuck with footing the cost of government.” When Trump’s popularity sinks into the single digits, the President declares public opinion polls illegal and all opinion researchers are subject to arrest. Pence again weeps with joy in public when trying to express his love for the President.

 

  • August. Trump tweets that all DACA recipients will be arrested and jailed immediately and be relocated into what formerly were Trump luxury hotels in “heavily Democratic big cities and in hostile countries around the world where occupancy has fallen off.” Trump proudly tweets that the hotels have been repositioned and rebranded as “penal resorts” and that the DACAs will love living there. He also announces the completion of the Border Wall, which has been secretly under construction since January using forced labor from all of the United States’ friends and allies– Honduras, Togo, Guatemala, the Marshall Islands, Micronesia, Nauru, Palau and political prisoners from Israel. The cost to the U.S. tax payer is described by newly appointed press secretary, Nancy Moore (wife of Roy Moore), as zero.

 

  • September. Trump tweets that his policies have resulted in unemployment dropping to a “negative 10 percent,” which means that 110% percent of the American population willing and able to work are working in full time jobs.   The statistics are supplied by the new “Truth Agency,” created by the Trump Administration and criticized by Democrats as a “fake agency.” Trump tweets that this historically low unemployment is ” a beautiful, incredible success” and final proof that at long last he has made America truly great again. Elected and unelected rulers in Honduras, Togo, Guatemala, the Marshall Islands, Micronesia, Nauru, Palau and Israel express their congratulations. 

 

  • October.Trump unexpectedly resigns on the last day of the month. He has not been seen publicly for several weeks and tweets that since he has made America great again, there is nothing left to be done. He expresses confidence in his successor, Vice President Pence, who is sworn in at midnight. Trump immediately departs the capital of Mar-a-Lago on Air Force One with his family en route to Russia where he will reside in the new “Trump Palace” located next to the residence of Vladimir Putin.

 

  • November. Pence becomes President. In a address to the nation he states that it will be almost impossible to follow someone so great, so good and so “Messianic” but that he is up to the job. He tweets, “I am not a lackey. I am not a lackey. I am not a lackey. And also I am not a lap dog.” Congressional elections are completed, and despite Russian intervention, Democrats win enough seats in both the House and the Senate to retake control of Congress.

 

  • December-January. On New Year’s Eve fourteen #metoo women bring charges against Pence as a perpetual sex offender. Several days later he is forced to resign in disgrace, tweeting, “ I told you I was not a lackey.” The new Speaker of the House, Nancy Pelosi, is sworn in as President. The new Congress repeals all the laws and regulations passed by Congress under Trump and votes to rejoin the UN. The capital moves back to Washington. Fake News reporters are released from prison. “Morning Joe” comes back on the air. In Russia Trump reveals his tax returns, tweeting that he has become the richest man on the planet. Putin is number two. The New York Times, now back in business for the first time since June, notes that that the tax returns also show that the year before he was elected, Trump did not even make the richest 1,000 list.

 

So it is on to 2019….The NBA team, Korean Hawks, starts the year in first place in the NBA. The Democratic-controlled Congress appointments a special prosecutor, Robert Mueller, to investigate how Trump made so much money during his  18 months as President. Democrats breathe a long sigh of relief. Republicans swear to oppose everything. Life goes on….

5 thoughts on “Predictions for 2018

  1. While I appreciate the wit, humor and understanding behind this piece, I’m finding it increasingly difficult to be amused by the doings of our president and his associates.

  2. Thank you Uncle Joe! This is a fantastic piece. The end is hilarious and hopeful. It is a great counterpart to Dave Barry’s Year In Review.
    Eva

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