Faux News: President Trump Launches Massive Reform Initiative To Address School Killings

President Trump addressed the nation today to mourn the deaths of 17 murdered students and faculty that were shot dead two days ago in a Broward County high school and the others who were wounded. After laying the blame on President Obama for his weak actions on gun control, he stated that there was only one way to deal with the killings and that is to pass legislation that would require every student over the age of 12 to be armed at all times while on school property. “It is very simple,” he stated, “ and, frankly, the fault of the Democrats, Obama, and Crooked Hillary. They are a bunch of namby-pambies who coddle killers, and the un-American and treasonous calls for fewer guns are the main reason we are having these killings. The answer is more guns, not less! And that is why I am introducing legislation that will cure the problem once and for all. I am fully supported by the Republicans in the House and the Senate; and if the weak-kneed Democrats stand in the way of this legislation, blood will be on their hands the next time a sixth-grader is shot dead.”

The President then outlined the way the initiative would work:

  • Federal law will mandate that all public schools require all students over the age of 12 to carry loaded revolvers or rifles at all times when on school property.
  • For children under the age of 12, a fully armed aide will be assigned to them at all times.
  • All faculty and school employees will be required to carry loaded assault weapons at all times when on school property.
  • Metal detectors will be used to detect when someone enters the building without setting off the detector and therefore indicating they are not carrying a weapon. Any individual caught without a weapon will not be permitted to enter the school, and three infractions will result in expulsion.
  • Classes in weapon handling and marksmanship will be required and replace unnecessary subjects like math and science.
  • For families unable to afford the cost of a weapon, federal “gun stamps” will be issued and replace the food stamp program, which is being phased out.

The President then went on to explain that if everyone in the school was armed, no one would dare to shoot anyone in the school because they would know that they would be gunned down immediately by their fellow students or their class teacher. He said that research has shown that in schools where this policy is in place there have been no killings. Furthermore in countries that require all students and school personnel to be armed at all times have a murder rate of zero, not only for schools but for the entire population. He said that once the policy is in place for public high schools and elementary schools, all public colleges and universities will be subject to this mandate and then all churches. If every member of the congregation in Charleston had carried a loaded weapon, the President maintained, the massacre would not have happened. His long term goal, he said, is for everyone in the country to be similarly armed. Domestic abuse, he argued, would not happen if an angry husband knew his wife was packing heat. Nor would other crimes of passion, burglaries, bank robberies and assaults of all kinds. If you know that you are going to get killed if you use your weapon, then why use it? The law would make America the safest country in the world.

He also noted that the number of guns in the U.S. would increase from around 300 million to well over a billion, which he said would “virtually guarantee that the U.S. would be a world leader in controlling gun violence.”

His address was praised by the NRA, which has long maintained, “the only way to deal with a bad guy with a gun is with a good guy with a gun.” Mitch McConnell applauded the initiative, as did Speaker Paul Ryan who said, “It took a Republican President to figure this out, and it just shows how stupid the Democrats are. You fight firearms with firearms.” Other Republicans lined up behind the President pledging their support, and Vice President said that this is proof that President Trump is the greatest man to ever live.

Democrats immediately weighed in in disbelief and accused the President of having lost his mind.

By the close of the President’s address, the stock prices of gun manufacturers Remington, Smith and Weston, Colt and Winchester had risen 20%.

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