Faux News: Bolton To Arrive on the Scene

John Bolton will start work as Trump’s National Security Adviser on April 7. People are wondering why Trump chose the unapologetic architect of W.’s Iraq War and a controversial figure who has been described as the hawk of hawks. The answer is in his job interview as recorded below:

Trump: Come in, John. Do you mind if I call you Johnny-boy?

Bolton: Of course not, Mr. President.

Trump: So why do you want this job?

Bolton: Because you are the greatest President in U.S. history and the greatest man to ever live.

Trump: Good reasons.

Bolton: And I have a vision. A vision that will make you great again.

Trump: You don’t think I am already great?

Bolton: I misspoke. I meant America.

Trump: So?

Bolton: The vision I have is this: we are at a unique point in history, and you are the man to transform the world and our country. If you choose to use the weapons, I mean tools available to you.

Trump: Like what?

Bolton: Your best tools are the nukes. It is time to stop playing nambi-pambi and use these tools for what they were intended to be used for—to obliterate the enemy.

Trump: Really?

Bolton: You start off by nuking North Korea, the day before you and the fat toad, slime ball, Kim, are supposed to meet. They will not be prepared, and you will put them out of their misery, all 25 million of those kowtowing bastards. If you follow my plan, they won’t have a chance to fire back a single missile.

Trump: But what about China and South Korea?

Bolton: China won’t do a thing. They hate these people more than we do, plus South Korea will be wiped out by nuclear fallout. No worries there.

Trump: Japan?

Bolton: Depends on which way the wind is blowing. But they don’t have much of a choice.

Trump: But the backlash at home. The Democrats. The Fake Press.

Bolton: That is where my vision really begins. We will be at war. You will use your war powers to declare martial law and disband the Congress—only temporarily, of course, but long enough for you to get your job done, heh, heh, if you know what I mean.

Trump: Interesting idea, Johnny-boy and Mueller too?

Bolton: Of course, he is the first to go.

Trump: And the Fake Press?

Bolton: The slammer, where they belong. The Washington Post, New York Times, CNN, MSNBC—all of them, history.

Trump: This is becoming even more interesting.

Bolton: But this is just the beginning. Look, Mr. President, so called democracies like ours are relatively new in history and, frankly, have never worked all that well. Look at the morons that have been presidents—Obama, Kennedy, Roosevelt, Lincoln, Jefferson, Adams, Washington—and they are considered the good ones. In any event it is time to put the idea of a democracy behind us and move forward to a monarchy. You would be our first king –though I think “Emperor” is really a more suitable title. And the Trump name would live on for generations. Donny Jr. would be next and then Barron. Oh yes, did I mention that you would suspend the Constitution —just for a little while, to let things settle down?

Trump: Continue, Johnny-boy.

Bolton: I have not gotten to the best part. You would rename the country from the so called “United States of America” to “Trumptopia.”

Trump: I like the sound of that.

Bolton: And we would need a new flag. I have designed one myself. You know the old World War II sign that has a picture of Uncle Sam on it with him pointing a finger toward you and saying “Uncle Sam Wants You”? Well, it would look just like that except the picture would be of you, and it would say “Uncle Donald” and at the bottom of the flag would read, “Trumptopia.”

Trump: But what about the military? Would they go along with something like this?

Bolton: Forget the military. You don’t need them. You will have the NRA. In fact I recommend that only members of the NRA will be allowed to own guns, and they can own any kind of gun or weapon they want. Their membership will skyrocket from five million to fifty million. And you will make them an offer they can’t refuse—no member will have to pay any federal income taxes. You will rename them the Trumpsters, and they will be like, you know, your secret police. You can disband the military if you want.

Trump: Well, Johnny-boy, I have to tell you that this is quite a remarkable “vision” as you call it. Of course, I will have to think about it for a while, but I will tell you this: you are hired! See you on April 7.

Bolton: Thank you, Mr. President. It will turn out to be a lot easier than you think. These democracies are actually quite fragile.

Trump: Thanks for coming in Johnny-boy, and before you leave, could you describe for me again for me the way the new flag will look?


4 thoughts on “Faux News: Bolton To Arrive on the Scene

  1. Oh boy, Joe!
    Let’s not let the vision described here become reality.
    You are such an incredible writer.
    Really you should consider sending your material to an agent for the late night comedy shows.
    Your stuff would fit right in!

  2. Actually, a monarchy, a benificent monarchy, doesn’t seem like such a bad idea these days. What we have is about as dysfunctional as a government can be.

    You are a clever writer. My favorite line in this piece: “Depends on which way the wind is blowing.” I’m still chuckling.

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