Here is Trump’s speech, delivered, prime time, from the Oval Office on all television networks, at 9:00 PM EST one day following the Supreme Court’s decision regarding indictments of presidents while in office and the granting of presidential pardons:
Good evening, my fellow Americans.
I am addressing the American people and the world this evening from the Oval Office about a new direction that the United States of America will be taking and about decisions that I have made that will affect the lives of each and every one of you watching.
First of all, I would l would like to thank Justice Kavanaugh for casting the deciding vote on two important Supreme Court cases. Now it has been decided once and for all that no president of the United States can be indicted for any crime while still in office. It has also been decided that I can pardon anyone I want to, any time I want to, and for any reason I want to, and I can pardon who I want in advance. Thank you, Justice Kavanaugh. I knew you were the right man for the job.
Now let’s get down to the basics. I am sick and tired of this Mueller investigation, which is a sham, witch hunt and based on fake news. The American people know that Russia was not meddling in our election; and if they were, there was no collusion. So I have fired Mueller and his team, but I have done more than that. At exactly 2:00 PM today, I entered his office, armed with a gold-plated, AK 47 given to me as an appreciation gift by the NRA; and since I now am entitled to do this by law, I blasted away. Unfortunately Mr. Mueller, the no good Democrat sympathizer and witch hunter, was out to lunch as was his entire staff. Some kind of retirement lunch or something. Lucky for him and those flunkies who work for the slimy, low life, scheming cheat and liar. His life was spared, but his office was not. I shot up everything I could and left a note telling him he and everyone else who worked for him that they were now history and that all the evidence was now destroyed. This sordid chapter of American history is now behind us, and we can move on.
Accompanied by my worthy vice president, who carried a large ammunition case of silver bullets given to me by my good friend, Vladimir Putin, I immediately went over to the office of the no good Attorney General, Jeff Sessions, who I never should have appointed in the first place, the dumb, ignorant idiot, and fired away. He too was absent, and no one was there to take their medicine, but his office is now in shambles and decorated with bullet holes. I left a pink slip on his desk. I have a long list of people I intend to visit in the days and weeks ahead.
Now some of you may think that this behavior is out of character for someone who is President of the United States. Well it used to be, but not anymore. The Supreme Court has made that crystal clear. We presidents can kill anyone we want, anytime we want, and there is not a thing anyone can do about it until we are no longer president–except you can impeach us, but that is not going to happen in my case. My base loves me more and more every day. There is not a single Republican left who does not worship me now that the low-lifes, Flake, Corker and McCain are out of the picture. The votes are not there and will not be there to kick me out. America loves a strong man. America has been longing for one for years. And America, now you have got one!
And there are many ways to drain the swamp. One of them is with bullets. This is the one that works best.
But there is only so much one person can do, even if that person has the Vice President of the United States by his side carrying ammo and cheering with every shot. That is why today I have authorized the creation of a special police force, which I am calling “The Swamp Drainers.” Eventually they will replace the incompetent, biased, and irresponsible FBI. I am inviting all Americans to apply to be part of this new army, which I believe will change the course of American history. Actually, world history. If you get accepted, you will be issued your own AK 47 with my autograph on it, and you will be given a Swamp Drainer uniform including a green or red beret and an arm band with the Swamp Drainer logo showing an alligator with a knife through his throat and a big letter “T.” I designed it myself. There will be two classes of Swamp Drainers. One will be for full time professionals, who will earn good money, well above the minimum wage, though I do not think there should be any minimum wage, plus special health benefits, which are not Obamacare but something better. Obamacare is terrible and a disgrace, and if it weren’t for McCain, it would be dead. You people get the green berets. The second class will be for volunteers, but you get to keep the autographed AK 47 and your uniforms for as long as you like. You will provide the backup for the professionals. You people get the red berets. I am not sure how many Swamp Drainers we will need, but there will be an incredible number. Unbelievable, really.
But here is the thing. You Swamp Drainers will report directly to me. I am your boss, and you will do what I say, and here is where the second Supreme Court decision comes in: once you are accepted and become a Swamp Drainer, I will grant you in advance, a pardon for any act you do which I direct you to do. So even if you commit what fake news organizations might call a crime, as long as you are doing it for me, no worries. Home free. That is what the Supreme Court just decided. I would like to thank Justice Kavanaugh for that.
Speaking of fake news organizations–like the Washington Post, New York Times, CNN and MSNBC– you will be taken care of by the Swamp Drainers. You should all close down and get out of town—get out of the country—now while you still have time.
Some people who are liberal, bleeding hearts, Hillary supporters and namby-pambys are going to start crying like Chicken Little, “The sky is falling.” Others are going to try the impeachment route. Do not even think about it. It will get you nowhere. Keep in mind the power of the president and now the pardons granted to the Swamp Drainers, who will be doing the heavy lifting to restore order and move along the Trump agenda. You do not stand a chance. I am a fighter and I win. I win on my terms and I always will. Some like all the Evangelicals who love me and think that I am the second coming of Jesus Christ will understand why I am taking these decisive actions and why I am the salvation for this country.. While I admit that I rarely attend church and have not read any of the bible, I trust my Evangelical supporters. They know. They know who I am and why I am doing this.
There are some who still believe that in six years I will be forced out because I can’t run again and then they can indict me. Think again. Do you believe that for one moment I would let something like that happen? Consider me president for life. No jail time for me or any of the Swamp Drainers. Congress will have no choice but to go along even if that means throwing out the Constitution. I have made America great again! I will go down in history as the greatest man to ever live.
Which brings me to my final point. America has changed. I have changed America. This is no longer the tired, worn out country it used to be like when Obama was president–and he was not even legal since he was not born in the U.S. It is time for a fresh, new look and a fresh, new name. I have asked our marketing department to come up with a catchy new name that really captures who we are now and they have come up with “TrumpNation.” I like it. I am submitting legislation this week to make the name change a reality; and if the Congress balks, they will have the Swamp Drainers to deal with.
So this is where we are headed. A new time and a new era and a change in world history.
You people who are watching on TV or listening on the radio are lucky to be Americans—no, make that TrumpNationals.
Good night, and may God bless TrumpNation!
Does the editor of Faux News really think that something like this could ever happen in the U.S.? Not a chance. But then again that is what the intellectuals and progressives were saying in Germany in the 1920s when a guy named Adolph Hitler was beginning to flex his muscles.