Our Faux News investigative reporter is back after spending several weeks in a DC rehab facility for people suffering from nervous breakdowns. In his usual disguise as a White House janitor, he was able to record the following conversation between Trump and three interns chosen by the Freedom Caucus, who happened to be in the Oval Office on a “President Admiration Interview” when Susan Collins announced her “yes” vote.
Trump: Hot damn, knew she would come through and now Manchin. It’s over, baby! Greatest victory of all time!
Intern 1: Really the greatest of all time?
Trump: That is what they are saying on Fox News, and they know. No president has ever appointed two judges who were confirmed during the first half of his first term. Put this down in your history books.
Intern 2: You are wonderful, Mr. President. You are the greatest president ever. The greatest leader. We are so honored to be here with you.
Trump: We will see what happens. I believe I may have a job waiting for you when you graduate. You know anything about being an Attorney General?
Intern 3 (the only female): I agree, your Presidency, that you are great, but do you think this might hurt you with the women’s vote and the #MeToos?
Trump: Who let you into the Oval Office?
Intern 3: I apologize. Most women admire and love you as I do. I was just wondering…
Trump: Well, we will have to see how it turns out, but you are right that most women do love me. They can’t keep their hands off me. It is the women who are the predators, not the men, and that is a proven fact. I am standing up for men, and that is why I will win big in 2020 and why the Republicans will win big in November.
We will increase our lead in the Senate by 10-12 Senators and double our advantage in the House. You will see a Red Wave like no one has ever seen before. Just look at my rallies. My supporters are everywhere. They kill to get into these rallies.
The November turnout for Republicans will be the greatest in history. Why? Because I deliver. I gave them tax cuts, the biggest of all time. I gave them tariffs and big bucks to the steel industry. They are making money hand over fist. I tore up Nafta and gave them a real trade agreement, which will pay off big time for us and screw our enemy, Canada. I gave them peace with our friend, North Korea, which is now nuclear free, and I got out of the fake, Paris climate deal and the phony, Iran nuclear deal. Everyone knows that climate change is a hoax and that Iran is crooked. I have gotten tough on illegal immigrants and so called refugees, ordering our guards to take the children away from these no good border crossers, showing ‘em who’s boss.
And that is just the tip of the iceberg. I have cleaned out the swamp of slimy, no good hangers-on and government creeps. I am standing up to our enemies, the European Union. And just check out the unemployment rate at 3.7%, the lowest in 250 years. Don’t believe the polls or any of the fake news you see on CNN or MSNBC or PBS or read in the fake press, the failing New York Times or Washington Post.
Intern 1: You are wonderful, Mr. President. You are the greatest president ever.
Trump: You know anything about being a Vice President?
Intern 2: Your Most Revered One, is the Kavanaugh confirmation the most important in US history?
Trump: Short answer: Yes. I own the sonofabitch. Gorsuch too for that matter. They know why they are on the court. Two ultra conservative votes in the pocket and really three more sitting there on the bench. That makes five. So this is what you can count on: Roe v Wade? Dead. Affirmative action? Even more dead. Obamacare? Unconstitutional. Climate control regulations? Down the drain. Civil Rights bullshit? Over. Bank regulations? Gone. Getting rid of fake voters and keeping the scum from voting? It will happen.
We will see what happens, but this is what the American people want, and they will now get it. The Supreme Court will deliver. They have their marching orders.
And by the way with the new Supreme Court you can count on anti libel laws protecting the press being ruled unconstitutional. This free speech stuff will be in the toilet. I will sue all the fake news organizations for libel any and every time they criticize me. They will all be destroyed.
Intern 3: Can the Supreme Court do all that?
Trump: Some of it. But remember this. I also own the Republican Party, and we own the government. If we increase our power in the Congress, there is no limiting what I can do. And no one in the party can cross me without paying a price. Anyone who does will be primaried out. They fear me. All of them. Just ask flake Flake and little Bobbie Corker. The chickens knew they would not stand a chance against my chosen candidates. Ok, one Republican senator caved on Kavanaugh, but she is toast and not really even a Republican. And who really gives a damn about Alaska anyway? The rest of the Republican elected officials are in my pocket. And will be as long as I am President.
Intern 1: It is a great day for the country.
Intern 2: Your most Excellent One, nothing is going to come out of this Mueller probe is there?
Trump: Of course not. I will be fully exonerated, completely, no collusion nowhere, no time, no how. Just like the Kavanaugh mess–the whole thing has been a vicious witch hunt organized and financed by Hillary Clinton. She is the one who should and will be jailed. In fact there was never any Russian interference in our elections in the first place. I have Putin’s word on that.
Intern 3: There isn’t any truth to the story in the New York Times about you inheriting a lot of money from your father and about tax evasion is there?
Trump: Are you kidding me? Lies, all of it. Every word. Made it all up. Hillary Clinton is behind this. I have directed my lawyers to sue. By the time it gets to the Supreme Court, nothing will protect them, and she will end up in jail where she belongs, along with every editor and reporter for the New York Times.
Intern 1: Hail to the President!
Trump: I have to go now to congratulate the new justice-elect. Kavanaugh is a fine man and deserves our support and sympathy, especially after being falsely accused by that terrible woman, who was really the one who attacked him. It is just terrible the way men are being treated in this country, but we are going to do something about this. Men are going to take our country back. Men are going to make America great again.
All 3 Freedom Caucus interns (in unison): Thank you, Mr. President. You are the greatest of all time!