Faux News Exclusive: News Conference Confirms Republican “Nothing Burger” Accusations

At a hastily-called news conference held today, Majority Leader Mitch McConnell and South Carolina Senator Lindsay Graham flanked by every Republican senator except Mitch Romney, repeated their unequivocal and unyielding support for their beleaguered president.  Here is the transcript of the brief news conference.

McConnell: Thank you for coming. I am going to read a statement and then along with my esteemed colleague, the distinguished senator from South Carolina, will answer your questions:

“No quid pro quo.”

Now the senator and I will take questions.

Reporter: That is the statement?

McConnell: Look.  After careful review of the record, we believe there is no evidence to support any wrongdoing by the president and that a full-fledged investigation will begin tomorrow to determine if former vice president, Joe Biden, and his son, Hunter, should be sent to prison and also to determine the whereabouts of Hillary Clinton’s emails, which the president believes are somewhere in The Ukraine. Furthermore we believe that the so called whistleblower should be identified and tried for treason and if convicted executed. The whistleblower should be tortured if necessary to provide the names of those who collaborated with him; and  when identified, they all will be tried and executed. Does that answer your question?

Reporter: Are you disputing the facts associated with the complaint by the whistleblower?

Graham: What facts? What is a fact? This whole ordeal is a pathetic nothing-burger. The complaint in the press is not an exact transcript but a summary prepared by those associated with the Deep State. The whistleblower was not even an eye witness. The whole fake story is contrived by Democrats to unseat a popular leader they do not like and who they know they can’t beat at the polls. Our president is a leader who many others and I believe is the greatest president to ever live including George Washington.

Reporter: But the president himself has  admitted saying the things in the complaint.

Graham: That’s what the fake news says, but you know what he said was not a quid pro quo.

McConnell: Yes, I agree and furthermore  even if Trump had said those things like he admits he did, there is nothing wrong with that. A president has to defend himself just like everyone else has to, and he has to fight back. There is no law saying you can’t ask  a foreign leader to give you dirt on an evil adversary.

Reporter: What or who is the president defending himself from?

McConnell: From Sleezy Joe Biden. Lying Biden is guilty as charged of canning the excellent prosecutor in The Ukraine who was in the process of jailing Biden’s crooked, despicable and totally evil son. He will be locked up along with his dad,  Sleepy Joe. Trump is doing the country a favor by exposing Sleezy Joe for who he is, a pathetic ner-do-well, who can’t shoot straight and who will have to run his campaign from jail. The investigation of the entire Biden family including their pets starts tomorrow.

Graham: Yes, yes! The American people know that the fake press can’t be trusted and that there  are no such things as facts. We Republicans have our facts, and the no good Democrats have theirs, which are fake facts. It will all boil down to whose facts you want to believe. The Republican base will always believe the president’s facts given the fact that he has never told a lie and never made a mistake. The faith in the president by his devoted base will get him re-elected. Long live the president! 

Commentary by the editor of Faux News

It is possible that the impeachment inquiry will backfire and result in the reelection of the most corrupt, immoral, and incompetent president our country has ever seen. It is also possible that the concept of a fact becomes a casualty of cable TV and alternative news networks. If half the population were watching Walter Cronkite every night instead of Sean Hannity, disputing facts would not be an issue.  This is the fragile world we live in.

But what also cannot be disputed is the “fact” that the Democrats did not have the option of casting a blind eye on a president  who has stepped over the line numerous times and also has admitted to the actions contained in the whistleblower’s complaint.  Using the office of the president to force a foreign power to intervene in our election cannot be allowed to stand. The precious democracy we cherish is at stake.

So let the chips fall. Let the Republicans argue that there was no quid pro quo and proclaim that Trump’s actions were not illegal. Let the Democrats pursue the impeachment inquiry honestly and deliberately. I have not given up hope in the American people. I believe that while Trump may not be removed from office by the impeachment process, there are still enough Americans who are able to distinguish between fact and fiction that will vote this scoundrel out of office. I realize that this falls into the category of an act of faith. The stakes have never been higher. If we do not as a nation rise to the occasion, God help us. God help the planet Earth.

5 thoughts on “Faux News Exclusive: News Conference Confirms Republican “Nothing Burger” Accusations

  1. Joe,
    I’m less pessimistic than you regarding the possibility of four more years of Trump. I see it as an unwanted extension of this period of disgust with our president and the White House in general, which the Nation will survive. What really worries me is the bitter divide in our country as a whole, fueled by the shameless “spin doctors” of Fox News and MSNBC. To me, both are equally disgusting. No one in Washington, or in the populace at large, seems to understand the vital role of compromise in making a democracy work.
    JGK

    1. Thank you, Dr Killebrew, for your thoughtful comments. They are always appreciated. Well, almost always.
      Four more years of Trump would be a disaster, not only for us in the United States but for our fragile planet.Yes, he is a sleaze, a bully, a perpetual liar and a narcissist.But that is not the core issue. The core issue is climate change. He is a climate change denier as we all know and has rolled back virtually all of the Obama climate initiatives. Scientists tell us that if there is any chance of avoiding catastrophe beyond anything experienced during the time we humans have inhabited the planet we must take world-wide, decisive action starting NOW.Trump’s response? Withdraw from the Paris Accords.We are the only country on the planet that has pulled out.195 countries are still in. The Paris initiative is a modest first step. But it is a step, and the United States must be a world leader in this effort. Under Trump this will never happen. Four more years is too long to wait for sanity.Every minute counts in this countdown mode. I repeat:God help us if we get four more years of Trump!

  2. Well, I doin’t know whether or not the fate of the planet hinges on one four year period of time. Maybe, maybe not. No way to know. But, if it does, then the Dems better roll up their sleeves and go to work to nominate ELECTABLE candidates for both president and vice-president in 2020. To me, that means amputating the far left fringe and moving to the center.
    JK

  3. “The American people know that the fake press can’t be trusted and that there are no such things as facts. We Republicans have our facts, and the no good Democrats have theirs, which are fake facts. It will all boil down to whose facts you want to believe.” This tongue in cheek statement is in fact a very accurate summary of the state of political discourse these days…well put!

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