Faux News Breaking News: Internet Companies Announce New Policies To Fight On Line Abuse

Major internet providers tomorrow are expected to  announce a new policy that is intended to put an end to all email and online scams and Russian interference in U.S. elections. Starting on February 1, 2020 all passwords used on the internet must meet the following requirements:

  • The password must contain at least 20 characters but not more than 100.
  • One discreet password per account is allowed with no duplicates.
  • The password must contain at least two capital letters, eight small case letters, seven numbers, and three symbols.
  • No password will be allowed which contains any of the letters or numbers or symbols used in any previous password used by the user. If no such options exist, the user must apply for a waiver and pay a fine of $37.22
  • Whenever the number “9” appears, it must be followed by two additional numbers which added together equals the day of the month that the user was born. In the case of a single digit day, the preceding number should be the letter “O,” not a zero.
  • It should not be possible for any of the letters used to form an actual word in any language.
  • If the user’s middle name begins with a vowel, the numbers must add up to an even number. If it begins with a consonant, they must add up to an odd number.
  • All passwords must be changed monthly.

The consortium of email and internet providers emphasized that there will be no exceptions to this policy except as noted above. Kept under top secret, lock and key for months, the new policies will be announced formally at a news conference tomorrow. Some digital experts have stated they expect pushback from internet users but generally agree that these new policies when implemented will reduce internet abuse.

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