Faux Breaking News: Democrats and Republicans Cut Deal on Witnesses in the Impeachment Trial

Our faithful reporter, disguised as an electrical repairman, was able to secretly record this conversation, which occurred today in the cloak room behind the Senate chamber.

McConnell: Ok here we are, let’s get down to business.

Schiff: Are you ready to deal?

McConnell: You get Bolton; we want Hunter Biden.

Schiff: Hunter Biden has been totally exonerated by everyone who has looked into it. He is irrelevant to the impeachment.

McConnell: No Hunter, no Bolton.

Schiff: Ok, you get Hunter. We want Lev Parnas.

McConnell:  Lev? The guy is a thug. You can’t be serious. All he will do is trash the president. He is a sleaze bag.

Schiff: No Lev, no deal.

McConnell: Ok, you get Lev. We want Joe.

Schiff: You have got to be kidding! Joe is running for president and has nothing to do with the impeachment of Trump.

McConnell: Oh yeah? When we get through with him he will not be able to be elected dog catcher. We will finish him off. But that is your problem, not ours. You want Bolton, you pay a price.

Schiff: Ok, Joe testifies. We want Stormy.

McConnell: Stormy Daniels? What does she have to do with this? She is a slut, and you know it. No one will believe her.  You are wasting your time.

Schiff: No Stormy. No Joe.

McConnell: Okay, you get Stormy. We want Hillary. We will nail that bitch on her emails.  Just you wait.

Schiff: The emails? Are you serious? That was in 2016 and was a nothing burger then. Can’t you put that behind you?

McConnell:  You want Stormy? We want Hillary. Your choice.

Schiff: Ok, you get Hillary. We want Putin.

McConnell: Surely you jest. Do you think for a minute that he will come here? You have totally lost your mind.

Schiff: No Putin, no deal.

McConnell: You can try, but you know he will have to get Trump’s approval first and that won’t happen.  But if you get to try,  you have got to deliver the whistle blower. No whistle blower, no Putin and no deal.

Schiff:  Ok, you get the whistle blower. Forget Putin. We will take Rudy instead, plus we want Mulvaney.

McConnell: Giuliani and Mulvaney? Upping the ante are you?

McConnell: You get them, but we get Obama.

Schiff: Obama is not even president.

McConnell: But he was, and what he did was far worse than anything Trump ever even thought about doing. We will impeach the sunofabitch.

Schiff: You can’t impeach someone who is no longer president.

McConnell:  We have lawyers who say you can. We’ll destroy his reputation.

Schiff: Well….

MsConnell: Deal?

Schiff: Okay, deal.

McConnell: Let the fun begin!

The announcement is expected to be made at noon on January 29 in the Rotunda.

 

 

 

2 thoughts on “Faux Breaking News: Democrats and Republicans Cut Deal on Witnesses in the Impeachment Trial

  1. Joe,
    Excellent!, but you left out Schiff himself. On CNN yesterday I saw him decline to be part of any witness swap to get Bolton. Now that it looks like Bolton will be called, he may get to either refuse under the glare of of public scrutiny or have to answer whatever questions he is afraid of. Or take the 5th.

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