Faux News has learned that the National Campaign Committee of the Democratic Party will cancel all future debates in the primary process for the Democratic nominee for president. When asked why at such a critical time the party is going to drop debates completely, a spokesman responded that careful analysis has shown that Trump’s approval rating goes up by an average of three points after every Democratic primary debate. The recent debate that occurred in Las Vegas on Wednesday, he said, is expected to result in a five point jump for Trump. Six more debates would give Trump a 20-point advantage at the time of the campaign for the general election. It is a risk the Democrats are not willing to take.
Faux News has conducted a number of focus groups and interviews with people who viewed the Las Vegas debate and learned that most viewers were shocked and dismayed at the vitriol and name calling that went on between and among the six candidates on stage. One participant summed it up as follows: “They obviously despise each other and think that all the other candidates are either corrupt or incompetent or both. The only way they can score a point is to demolish an opponent, and they are doing a pretty good job at that. After two hours of hearing how terrible each opponent is, I have come to the conclusion that Trump is actually starting not to look so bad.”
Other people interviewed by Faux News expressed similar observations and concerns. Half of those interviews volunteered that they were leaving the Democratic Party. One said, “How could anyone remain in a party where there are such incompetent, corrupt, and evil people, who are supposed to be our leaders? Plus they all hate each other. Just look at them: Bloomberg is worse than Harvey Weinstein and likely to end up in jail for illegal stop and frisk orders in New York and from stealing money to make his fortune. Elizabeth Warren, whom I was going to vote for, is a hopeless academic who is going to take away my health insurance and who screams at her debate opponents. Bernie is a communist who is going to build gulags and jail billionaires. Mayor Pete is a light weight who takes money from rich business people whom he will sell out to in the end plus he is still a kid. Good ole Joe tries hard but can’t get his act together and he is showing his age, and Amy is too conservative to get any votes from progressives like me plus she screams at her staff and can’t remember the name of the head of Mexico. We Democrats are doomed! Just look at what they said to each other, how they treated each other. Would you vote for anyone that is half as bad as any of the candidates on the stage has been portrayed to be by their peers?”
Recognizing the debacle that occurred on Wednesday evening, the Democratic leadership is in the process of inviting proposals for moving forward in a manner that does not permit the candidates to trash their opponents on stage and nudge more former supporters into the Trump camp. The most promising idea presented thus far is to abolish the debates altogether and, in their place, add a mud wrestling contest. There would be two groups, one for men and one for women, and all aspirants to the Democratic nomination could participate provided they signed a pledge, win or lose, not to verbally trash an opponent. The winner of the men’s mud wrestling contest and the winner of the women’s contest would be the party’s nominees for president and vice president. They would draw straws to determine who gets to run for which office. The short straw holder would get to run for president.
A formal announcement regarding how the beleaguered party will proceed will be forthcoming by the end of the week.