Faux News: Democrats to Drop All Future Scheduled Primary Debates

Faux News has learned that the National Campaign Committee of the Democratic Party will cancel all future debates in the primary process for the Democratic nominee for president. When asked why at such a critical time the party is going to drop debates completely, a spokesman responded that careful analysis  has shown that Trump’s approval rating goes up by an average of three points after every Democratic primary debate. The recent debate that occurred in Las Vegas on Wednesday, he said, is expected to result in a five point jump for Trump. Six more debates would give Trump a 20-point advantage at the time of the campaign for the general election. It is a risk the Democrats are not willing to take.

Faux News has conducted a number of focus groups and interviews with people who viewed the Las Vegas debate and learned that most viewers were shocked and dismayed at the vitriol and name calling that went on between and among the six candidates on stage. One participant summed it up as follows: “They obviously despise each other and think that all the other candidates are either corrupt or incompetent or both. The only way they can score a point is to demolish an opponent, and they are doing a pretty good job at that. After two hours of hearing how terrible each opponent is, I have come to the conclusion that Trump is actually starting not to look so bad.”

Other people interviewed by Faux News expressed similar observations and concerns. Half of those interviews volunteered that they were leaving the Democratic Party. One said, “How could anyone remain in a party where there are such incompetent, corrupt, and evil people, who are supposed to be our leaders? Plus they all hate each other. Just look at them: Bloomberg is worse than Harvey Weinstein and likely to end up in jail for illegal stop and frisk orders in New York and from stealing money to make his fortune. Elizabeth Warren, whom I was going to vote for, is a hopeless academic who is going to take away my health  insurance and who screams at her debate opponents. Bernie is a communist who is going to build gulags and jail billionaires. Mayor Pete is a light weight who takes money from rich business people whom he will sell out to in the end plus he is still a kid. Good ole Joe tries hard but can’t get his act together and he is showing his age, and Amy is too conservative to get any votes from progressives like me plus she screams at her staff and can’t remember the name of the head of Mexico. We Democrats are doomed! Just look at what they said to each other, how they treated each other. Would you vote for anyone that is half as bad as any of the candidates on the stage has been portrayed to be by their peers?”

Recognizing the debacle that occurred on Wednesday evening, the Democratic leadership is in the process of inviting proposals for moving forward in a manner that does not permit the candidates to trash their opponents on stage and nudge more former supporters into the Trump camp. The most promising idea presented thus far is to abolish the debates altogether and, in their place, add a mud wrestling contest. There would be two groups, one for men and one for women, and all aspirants to the Democratic nomination could participate provided they signed a pledge, win or lose, not to verbally trash an opponent.  The winner of the men’s mud wrestling contest and the winner of the women’s contest would be the party’s nominees for president and vice president. They would draw straws to determine who gets to run for which office. The short straw holder would get to run for president.

A formal announcement regarding how the beleaguered party will proceed will be forthcoming by the end of the week.

4 thoughts on “Faux News: Democrats to Drop All Future Scheduled Primary Debates

  1. I’ve got to say this post was one of the funniest I have ever read. I read it to my wife and laughed until I cried the entire time. As usual, you were spot on. What a disaster. It really is starting to become depressing. Yes, I think we’re in real trouble. Tom.

  2. a right-on analysis! SAD!
    plus, none come across as likable, a crucial problem. Warren is just irritating, waving her hand like a 3rd grader, Peet is too smug, Amy seems to think it is funny, Bernie is super tiresome like an angry old man, Mike is a stone, and Joe is a joke.
    We might be doomed.
    The only saving grace might be the extreme awfulness of trump.

  3. The Viewers Faux News interviewed took the words right out of my mouth. With all the bomb throwing on that debate stage, Wednesday night I was utterly disgusted and for a moment actually considered never voting or participating again and moving my family to Iceland.

    There was so much disingenuousness, lying, taking paragraphs out of context, misrepresentation, sniping, and mudslinging that by midway I didn’t want to vote for a single one of them anymore. I went to bed with that sinking horrible pit in my stomach as though Trump had gotten everything he wanted and had just been re-elected.

    However in the staff room the next day I was surprised that colleagues reported very different reactions. Someone said he thought it was « absolutely awesome. »

    So I’m hoping for the best and though flattened, still of course know we all had better vote no matter the ridiculous disheartening behavior of the candidates. For all we know it’s our last chance.

  4. Joe,

    One of your better efforts! Super clever!!

    But be not dismayed. A certain someone is not-so-silently waiting in the wings, biding her time, preparing herself to emerge from the mists in all her Teutonic splendor, spear in hand, horned helmet on head, and totally unscathed by the indignity of an internecine mud wrestle, Die Valkyrie! (imagine italics, as your blog doesn’t offer them) of the Democratic Party, ready to have another go at l’Homme Orange (imagine italics again).

    I suggest a sub lethal dose of spiritus fermenti (italics again).

    JGK

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