Thank you, Mister President, for your assurances that the coronavirus is nothing to worry about and just another effort by the liberal, fake press to discredit you. You were right to gut the resources of the CDC for fighting global epidemics by 80%. A waste of taxpayer’s money. And I agree that the 12% decline in the stock market over the past three days is due exclusively to the Democratic debates. The very idea that any one of these fools could one day be President of the United States would cause anyone to sell off whatever stock he or she had. And I agree with you and Rush Limbaugh that the coronavirus is just another version of the common cold.
And most of all, Mister President, I want to thank you for putting Vice President, Mike Pence, in charge of the campaign to prove to the American people that we have nothing to worry about. Mr. Pence is known for his charismatic and courageous leadership, his independence, and his honesty and wisdom. He fought courageously for years against those who believed that smoking was a cause of cancer. He continues to stand up for the truth that evolution is a hoax and will fight with anyone who denies that the universe was created in seven days. He is a strong believer that climate change is not happening. When he was Governor of Illinois or Indiana or wherever it was, he successfully blocked efforts to help AIDS victims, arguing that prayer is the answer. He will be a great leader in this effort to fight the liberal, fake press for spreading lies and encouraging panic. That any government statement about the fake disease must be approved by the Vice President in advance brings comfort and assurance to the people of the United States that we have nothing to worry about. This will cause us to buy back the stock we just sold, to spend more money, to travel more, and to work even harder for your reelection. Thank you, Mister President.