Faux News: President Assures Worried Nation

In answering reporters’ questions before boarding the Presidential Helicopter today, the president assured reporters that the major crisis affecting the nation will end: the volatile stock market will improve. He said the market drop is due entirely to anxiety about “the two woeful candidates” vying for the Democratic nomination.

“That is the only reason why the stock market is down,” the president said, “And if the Democrats would simply concede now, the market would bounce back. Take my word for it. These two low-lifes scare the hell out of the American people.  One is a Communist and the other a crook.  If either Bernie or Hunter Biden get elected, the stock market will go down to zero.”

When corrected by a reporter that actually Joe Biden was running for president, not his son, Hunter, Trump pointed a finger at the reporter and exclaimed, “That is what you think. When we get through with him, the nation will know the truth that it is really Hunter who is running.”

Several reporters asked the president about the coronavirus that is now spreading rapidly across the country, to which Trump answered, “Buy stock and buy it now! Lots of it.”

When reporters continued to press the president about the coronavirus, the president reluctantly responded, “Pence is on it. Most of the people who are dead are Chinese anyway, and that is good, and besides we know that this whole thing is basically a hoax started by the fake press to try to make me look bad. It is all a lie. It is all a fake effort to try to keep people from coming to my massive rallies. But the massive rallies will continue. The American people demand it. They love me. No one who comes to any of my rallies will get sick. They can touch anyone they want to. You have my word. The whole thing is a hoax, a big hoax. The people who are telling you to be afraid of the carcatona virus here in the U.S. are the same ones spreading lies about climate change and global warming when we know there is no such thing. They are all a bunch of wimps who are crying wolf and should be locked up.”

When corrected by one reporter that the virus is not the “carcatona virus” but the coronavirus, the president said “What difference does it make what you call it since it is all a lie? It is now time to go out and buy stock. Buy it now. Buy lots of it. If you do, I—I mean the American people– will come through this financial crisis caused by Barak Obama, Hilary Clinton and by the Democrats.”

 

2 thoughts on “Faux News: President Assures Worried Nation

  1. I like it – the carcatona virus. Must be related to the state Trump finds
    himself in most of the time, i.e. catatonic, delusional, etc..

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