In a press conference today, a smiling President Trump, flanked by Vice President Pence and Attorney General William Barr on one side and Senators Lindsley Graham and Mitch McConnell on the other, declared that the Covid-19 pandemic crisis is over and that all businesses will reopen on the day after Easter. After the short announcement he turned the podium over to the head of the Coronavirus Crisis Team, the Vice President, who praised the President for the next 15 minutes crediting the President’s courage, wisdom, intelligence and good looks for almost single-handedly conquering the virus. The others on the podium nodded in response and interrupted the presentation by the Vice President eleven times.
The President then returned to the podium to answer questions. Here is the unedited transcript of his remarks:
Trump: “Thank you, Mr. Vice President, for the wonderful job you too have done. As the American people know, it is no fun staying home especially when it is not necessary, so now they all can go back to hugging, kissing and handshaking, riding on airplanes, spending their money in bars and restaurants, investing in the stock market, and attending my rallies. The economy and the stock market will come back like nothing you have ever seen. All of the agony the American people have gone through in the past couple of weeks is due to the Democrats desire to torture the American people and blame it on me. The nightmare is over at last. I will be celebrating on April 15 with the largest rally ever held. And Hunter Biden will not have a chance in November.
Reporter 1: Did you say Hunter Biden? Did you mean Joe Biden?
Trump: Next question.
Reporter 2: Where are all the health professionals? Where is Doctor Fauci?
Trump: They are no longer needed since we are over the crisis. Actually, Doctor Fauci is on his way to Venice where he and his family had scheduled a vacation a long time ago.
Reporter 3: But there are thousands of more cases happening every day in the U.S. and around the world, and the numbers are increasing exponentially? So are the deaths. Why would you stop the lockdown now?
Trump: Look at what it is doing to the economy and the stock market. Do you have any idea how much money I have lost? Because of the unnecessary lock downs, my hotels have lost hundreds of millions. I myself have lost billions. Does that bother me? Of course not. I was a multibillionaire when the American people overwhelmingly elected me, and I will remain one. I have so much money that a few billion for me here and there is not that important, but I am thinking about the other hard working American people who have been ruined by the lockdowns, you know, the Fortune 500 CEOs, the bank presidents, hedge fund managers, the lawyers and tech entrepreneurs. They are all really hurting right now. I am doing this to help the American people.
Reporter 4: But the American people are dying, and the health experts say it is only going to get worse.
Trump: This is what gets me about the Fake Press. How many have died in the U.S. so far? What—maybe around 600? That is peanuts. Peanuts! Do you know how many people die in the U.S. from the flu every year? About 50,000! And we don’t shut everything down. And from automobile accidents? What, maybe 30-35,000 and we don’t keep people from buying cars. And along comes this Cartohona Virus, and all the Chicken Littles start saying the sky is falling, and all of a sudden, we see lockdowns. Then the economy tanks. And do you have any idea of how much that is costing me? I am telling you the lockdowns and the so called “distancing” are killing the economy and killing the stock market and killing jobs, all because of a handful of dead people who would probably have died anyway since most of them were old to begin with.
Reporter 5: Do you mean the coronavirus?
Trump: Whatever. Next question. Actually it is the China Virus.They started it and as far as I am concerned it is their fault so from now on I am going to refer to it as what it is–the China virus.
Reporter 6: But this is just the beginning. Look at what is happening all over the world. Almost 400,000 cases, 17,000 deaths so far, and the experts say that it will get much worse. So many countries are now in lockdown. They compare it to the flu epidemic of 1918 which killed millions world-wide and almost 700,000 in the U.S. They say that if we do not take drastic precautions now, it will be too late, and over two million people in the U.S. could die. Almost half the population could be infected. Your own health experts have said as much. Doctor Fauci for example.
Trump: He is now on vacation in Italy, thank you. Anyway, so what if two million people died in the U.S.? That is less than one percent of the population, no big deal, if you ask me, especially since most are old codgers anyway or have preexisting conditions. And besides there are Fake Experts like the ones at your failing newspaper, the New York Times, and then there are Real Experts like the ones on Fox News. The Fake Experts will try to make you think that climate change is happening and that we should move away from fossil fuels. They are the ones complaining about the so called pandemic. The Real Experts like those who are with me today on the podium and like those who come to my rallies, they know better. They know that all this pandemic stuff is much to do about nothing. So I am ordering all restrictions lifted on April 12, Easter Day, and I want to see everyone in church that day, no more of this tela-worshipping, and am telling the stock market and the economy that you are now free to recover. Go about your business. This will be a great day for the American people. And I will tell you, this will put a nail in Hunter Biden’s coffin.
Reporter 7: Mr. President, Hunter Biden is not running for President.
Trump: That is what you think. Press conference over.
5 thoughts on “Faux News: President Declares End to the Pandemic Crisis, Declares That All Businesses Reopen”
As always, SO FUNNY (and so scary)
Funny how these well-connected, rich & powerful men, with access to the very best healthcare & insurance, don’t mind re-opening the country…
Thank you Joe!!! I love starting the day with this.
Your irony makes me smile and laugh through it all.
Now back to tele-teaching …
Chilling, sir. You have captured the tone exactly. I think the whole country probably heaved a sign of relief when Dr. Fauci, who’d disappeared for one day, returned to the team (apparently).