Faux News: Trump Replaces Health Advisors, Threatens Court Martials for West Point Seniors

Trump announced today that he was firing advisors Fauci and Birx and replacing them with Rutherford Jackson, the scientist who invented the drug hydroxychloroquine and whose controversial views of fighting the Covid-19 epidemic involve “bodily cleansing.” While Mr. Jackson’s credentials are unclear, he is called “The Doctor” by his followers and has recently caught the ear of the President, who has shown impatience regarding social distancing and stay-at-home orders, which are devasting the economy. In a recent interview on Fox news “The Doctor” refuted the critics who have argued that there is no scientific evidence that hydroxychloroquine has any positive impact on curing patients with Covid-19, but that it can have serious side effects and should be avoided. “The Doctor” responded that all the evidence by his scientific team actually points to a cure by ingesting this drug in addition to other substances recommended by Trump at his press conference on Thursday such as rubbing alcohol, Lysol, and bleach. He referred to his critics as “a bunch of wimps and sissies.”

“It all has to do with bodily cleansing,” said The Doctor, “Besides rubbing alcohol and bleach, my favorite cleansers are nitroglycerin and Lysol. If swallowed in appropriate doses, they will kill anything.”

Following the announcement of the appointment of Mr. Jackson, the stock market rose over 1,000 points due largely to increases in stock prices of drug and cleanser manufacturers, including TrumpPharma, whose CEO is Donald Trump Jr. The healthcare community reacted immediately warning that ingesting any of these substances could lead to immediate death. There has been no response as of this reporting by the White House.

Following the President’s announcement to appoint Jackson as his primary health advisor, Trump announced that he has ordered all graduating seniors back to West Point where he will give the commencement address. He has notified the officials at the school that any graduate who misses the event should be court martialed. He also has insisted that all the traditional ceremonies, such as when the graduates throw their hats into the sky, will be honored, and all social distancing regulations will be lifted for the cadets and for all who attend the ceremony. For security reasons, no masks will be permitted, but Trump has ordered that dispensers of hydroxychloroquine and Lysol should be placed at various strategic locations in the stadium such as exits and restrooms.

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