Faux News: White House Plan to Deal With The Pandemic/Economic Crisis

Same deal. Our disguised reporter is in the White House serving drinks. All the usual suspects are present: Trump, Barr, Pence, McConnell, Graham and Stephen Miller along with a couple of unidentified underlings. Trump is in an especially foul mood as he sips on a diet coke and eats his second Big Mac and his super-sized fries. An unidentified underling is talking when our reporter enters.

Underling 1: So there you have it, Mr. President. Our research shows you are down in all the polls, and Biden is likely to win unless things change. I mean, really change. This virus is killing us and the economy. Oh, my God! Experts are telling us it is not going to get any better by November, not the pandemic and not the economy. It could actually go on for years, and if we totally open up the economy too fast, we could be looking at 10,000 deaths a month, maybe more….

Trump: You are fired! Now get the hell out of my face. Pence, find the experts he is talking about. Have them locked up.

Pence: I am on it. I admire your leadership so much. You are so inspiring…

Trump: Thank you, Pence. I know I can count on you. So what do the rest of you think?

Barr: Well, I have some good news. Everything is set up now for you to decide whether to pardon all your allies and subordinates who are now in prison or waiting to be tried or if you would prefer, for the Justice Department simply to drop charges. Your friends will all be free, following your command.

Trump: Great news! If they are in jail, I will pardon those who have not squealed on me. Otherwise, you drop the charges.

Barr: We also will be bringing charges against Mueller, Comey and over a dozen others in the Justice Department and the FBI for being traitors plus a whole bunch of other charges. They will be in the slammer for the rest of their lives, and we will teach the Deep State a thing or two. Your base will love it! Plus it will take the focus off the covid crisis and off the economy.

Trump: Thanks, Barr. Great news. But I am still worried about the polls. I just do not understand why people are so upset. I do not understand why I am so mistreated.

Underlining 2: With all due respect, sir, they are upset, Mr. President, because almost 75,000 Americans have died from the virus and over 33 million are unemployed. Well over a million have been infected, but nobody really knows how many. Could be 1.5 million. People are terrified. Those are the facts, sir. Plus governors are complaining that they still do not have enough tests or protective equipment and that—I do not believe any of this myself—but that you have been sending mixed messages to states, and people are confused.

Trump: You are fired! Get out of my face. Pence, take him out.

Pence: Thank you, Mr. President. You are inspiration.
(Pence escorts him to the door.)

Trump: Find out where he got this fake information, Pence. Have them locked up.

Pence: On it, sir.

Graham: You know we love you and admire you and think that you are the greatest president the country has ever seen, by far the greatest, so great in fact that there are really no words to describe how great you are, but with all due respect and admiration, sir, I humbly have to agree that the covid crisis and the economy are taking their toll. I know that it is not your fault. You have done everything right like you always do. You are a true hero, but the deaths and the job losses, they are real. Perhaps we should be doing more.

McConnell: Not if it means giving one more nickel to the deadbeats who are getting employment insurance for a couple of extra months. These giveaways discourage work. That is why we in the Senate are also going to cut food stamps way back and, of course, put the nail in the Obamacare coffin. These actions will inspire your base and get them revved up. Also no more bailouts for small businesses. Maybe big ones but no small ones. We just can’t afford it. We have got to act with fiscal responsibility. Cutting these pathetic giveaways plus the elimination of payroll taxes and more cuts for corporations and billionaires will do the job. You will smash Biden. You really do not have to worry.

Miller: Mr. President, both senators actually have good points. We have to admit that we are in a national crisis. Yet we must act with fiscal responsibility and not reward deadbeats. So I agree with both of them. But it is not hopeless. I have a plan that will assure your reelection.

Trump: Let’s hear it, Steve.

Miller: First step. You declare the pandemic over. Gone. You have conquered it single-handedly. This then frees you up for the second step, to order everyone in the country to go back to work and for all businesses that were shut down to reopen. Those not complying will be locked up. That will solve the employment problem and your popularity problem. By November the economy will be just like it was in early January. People will love you; and most important, they will be rid of all lock down orders, they can ditch all the facemasks and touch anyone they want, anywhere they want, heh, heh, heh, Mr. President, if you know what I mean. Football will resume in September and by November your reelection will be in the bag. And you can restart the big rallies beginning in early June. The stadiums will be jampacked with loving supporters wearing MAGA hats, screaming “lock him up” and burning face masks.

Trump: Lock who up?

Miller: Biden, of course. Sleepy Joe. You’ve got the goods on him. Ukraine, sexual assault, Hunter, and so much more. He is toast.

Trump: Well, for the first time in weeks I am starting to feel better. Thanks, Steve. Are there any downsides?

Miller: Well, there is one small downside and that is what happens in the unlikely event that covid-19 actually hangs around, that it does not go away. I do not believe a word any of the scientists and so called experts are saying, but there are some who are saying that opening up America too fast could result in more deaths.

Trump: Like how many?

Miller: I don’t know, maybe two or three million, over the next couple of years, but don’t worry. I have a plan for that. You declare by executive order that the number of covid deaths that occur are top secret information and that anyone revealing what the numbers are will be tried for treason. I guarantee that will fix the problem. No one in the country will have any idea how many are getting sick and dying.

Barr: He is right. The Justice Department will support this fully, and the FBI will lock up anyone who reveals this information. No one will know! Brilliant, Steve. Plus, Mr. President if the Democrats object, remember you have five votes you can always count on in the Supreme Court.

Graham: But people could be dying all over the place. Won’t people know that this is happening?

Miller: The flu. They will be dying from the flu! Dying from the flu is not such a big deal. People die from the flu all the time. And two or thee million might sound like a lot of deaths over a couple of years, but it is really not so bad—only one or two percent of the population. And keep in mind, most of those dying will be poor people and black people and brown people, immigrants, old codgers who were going to die anyway, and other losers. Who will really care?

Trump: Brilliant, Steve! Tweets start at 3:00 AM tomorrow morning. Everybody get on it.

Pence: You got it, Mr. President!

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