Reader take note: This is pretty close to what happened to your Faux News editor and extended family yesterday.
Yes, Mr. and Mrs. Jones, it is true that you have paid my fee of $600 for one hour of consultation to answer your ridiculously easy legal question. But I am not going to answer it unless you pay my retainer fee of $15,000 and an ongoing monthly retainer fee of $1,800 until the legal issue is fully resolved. Furthermore, do not try to answer this yourself by going to the internet. You could step on a landmine and end up in jail yourself.
What do you mean, why not answer it if it is easy? Magic tricks are easy once you know how they are done, but do you expect a magician to reveal his magic? Of course not. That is the way it is with lawyers, so get over it.
This is amazing! How did you capture what he looked like? And the text is brilliant. You didn’t even change his words!
Written five years ago after an encounter with a corporate lawyer on a bond deal.
Lawyers 5.09.15
When people interact,
Conflict will occur
Transparency and openness heals
Yet, people resist its directness
Just wanting the conflict to evaporate
With no emotional stress
We have egos,
And want to be right
And because change is difficult,
We avoid change by being right
So we look for advocates
who reinforce our view
lawyers are advocates
Needing conflict and distrust for relevance
So they feed peoples’ need to be right
And the desire to avoid change
Making lawyers effective magnifiers
For passive aggressive behavior
Instead of trust, they sow distrust
Instead of peace, they sow conflict
Instead of love, they sow hate
Until there is no joy
And all understanding,
Is replaced by misunderstanding
This creates a need for rules
Obviously, the more rules the better
Until there are so many rules that
Only lawyers understand the rules
These rules become laws
encoded in our society
These laws paradoxically make people
Less responsible who fail to communicate
Becoming people who do not trust
And who avoid truth
hiding behind lawyers
Who think and speak for us
Brilliant!
Just glad you hadn’t gone to the Doctor yesterday.