It is now official. Except for the reporters working for Fake News Organizations who are Enemies of the People, fake speech critics from all over the world rate Trump’s speech to a joint session of Congress last night as the greatest fake speech ever delivered. I was curious when I read this and decided to get in touch with the renown Shorthorn Jaspers, who is executive director of the Fake Speech Institute, an Alt-Right affiliate. Here is my verbatim interview:
Me: Why did you report that this was the greatest fake speech ever?
Jaspers: First because it was, but there are many reasons. First, Trump did not call upon his enthusiastic base to pounce on the Democrats across the aisle and beat the you-know-what out of them. Second, because he did not ridicule anyone who was handicapped or in a wheel chair and in fact said nice things about the woman who was in a wheel chair. Ditto for the wife and family of the Seal who was killed in that successful military operation in Yemen. And he did not mention the Enemies of the People, those horrid reporters from the NY Times and Washington Post and CNN, a single time. He didn’t even single out the slimy, no good Muslims in the world for their curse upon humanity. He did not announce he was throwing Crooked Hillary in jail. I mean, how good can he get? How presidential! Great restraint and dignity. This was Trump rising to the occasion. In fact no one thought he could get through an hour without attacking at least someone, so this is big news, very big. We are all very proud and, frankly, relieved.
Me: What about his policies?
Jaspers: Well the big news here is that he did not declare that he was throwing out every one of the 11 million plus no good, illegal immigrants tomorrow. Of course, this is very controversial since many in his base expected him to do just that and are enraged. But they know it will happen eventually, and in the meantime we will get a $40 billion wall. So all in all, I would say the immigration piece is a plus. There might even be an opening to talk to Democrats about some kind of deal.
Me: That was the highlight for me as well. If we could actually get a bipartisan immigration bill which allows undocumented immigrants to stay, that would be great.
Jaspers: You know his enraged base does not agree with you.
Me: What else?
Jaspers: Well there is a lot. He is going to kill that terrible plague that has cursed our country for seven years, Obamacare, and replace it with a new system where more people will be fully insured for less cost and everyone is happy. It will be wonderful. No one will lose any benefits they got under Obamacare. The individual mandate will be history, and the cost will be greatly reduced. Second, he is going to usher in massive tax cuts the likes of which no one has ever seen. Our hope is that before his first term is up no one with substantial net worth and income will have to pay any taxes, and this is a real start. Third, he is going to spend $40 billion on the new wall, which is essential to keeping out the rapists and murderers and druggies from Mexico even though more are leaving the U.S. than arriving, and fourth, he will up the military budget by $50 billion. Fifth, he will kill every government regulation he can get his hands on. This is great news because it means jobs, jobs and more jobs.
Me: But how can he pay for all this while lowering taxes?
Jaspers: Listen, this is just the beginning. He said he is also going to spend $1 trillion on fixing up bridges and roads, offer paid family leave, rebuild the horrid inner cities, and keep all jobs in America. He did not say it in his speech, but I fully believe that he will personally close down any business that tries to relocate out of the U.S. or import goods. Manufacturing jobs will all come back, and America will be great again. You can forget about buying those cheap, no good Chinese or Mexican products in Walmart. This is a new era, a turning point in human history.
Me: But I just don’t get it. You are talking about trillions of dollars in tax relief, mainly for the rich, and yet the costs of the wall, the infrastructure initiative, the military and the various social programs will add trillions of dollars to the budget. Won’t this result in a huge budget deficit?
Jaspers: No. It will be paid for by slashing food stamps, the EPA budget, the arts and humanities budgets and the so called “safety net” programs. Plus the economy will start growing at double what it is now—from less than two percent to over four percent. When he wins his second term in 2020, there will be no budget deficit.
Me: Anything else you would like to pass on to our readers?
Jaspers: Yes. This is the beginning of a revolution. Trump was elected by a landslide and enjoys unparalleled popularity. This will only increase as America becomes great again and when he or one of his family members is still in power in 2024 and 2028 and in 2032, and beyond; and there is no opposition from anyone, no fake news, no protests or despicable, so called “resistance.” Then you will know how great he is, his family is, and how great America is. Historians will then set the record straight. But make no mistake: His fake speech last night was the greatest fake speech in all of human history.
Me: Thank you for your time and insights.