Greatest Fake Speech of All Time

It is now official. Except for the reporters working for Fake News Organizations who are Enemies of the People, fake speech critics from all over the world rate Trump’s speech to a joint session of Congress last night as the greatest fake speech ever delivered. I was curious when I read this and decided to get in touch with the renown Shorthorn Jaspers, who is executive director of the Fake Speech Institute, an Alt-Right affiliate. Here is my verbatim interview:

Me: Why did you report that this was the greatest fake speech ever?

Jaspers: First because it was, but there are many reasons. First, Trump did not call upon his enthusiastic base to pounce on the Democrats across the aisle and beat the you-know-what out of them. Second, because he did not ridicule anyone who was handicapped or in a wheel chair and in fact said nice things about the woman who was in a wheel chair. Ditto for the wife and family of the Seal who was killed in that successful military operation in Yemen. And he did not mention the Enemies of the People, those horrid reporters from the NY Times and Washington Post and CNN, a single time. He didn’t even single out the slimy, no good Muslims in the world for their curse upon humanity. He did not announce he was throwing Crooked Hillary in jail. I mean, how good can he get? How presidential! Great restraint and dignity. This was Trump rising to the occasion. In fact no one thought he could get through an hour without attacking at least someone, so this is big news, very big. We are all very proud and, frankly, relieved.

Me: What about his policies?

Jaspers: Well the big news here is that he did not declare that he was throwing out every one of the 11 million plus no good, illegal immigrants tomorrow. Of course, this is very controversial since many in his base expected him to do just that and are enraged. But they know it will happen eventually, and in the meantime we will get a $40 billion wall. So all in all, I would say the immigration piece is a plus. There might even be an opening to talk to Democrats about some kind of deal.

Me: That was the highlight for me as well. If we could actually get a bipartisan immigration bill which allows undocumented immigrants to stay, that would be great.

Jaspers: You know his enraged base does not agree with you.

Me: What else?

Jaspers: Well there is a lot. He is going to kill that terrible plague that has cursed our country for seven years, Obamacare, and replace it with a new system where more people will be fully insured for less cost and everyone is happy. It will be wonderful. No one will lose any benefits they got under Obamacare. The individual mandate will be history, and the cost will be greatly reduced. Second, he is going to usher in massive tax cuts the likes of which no one has ever seen. Our hope is that before his first term is up no one with substantial net worth and income will have to pay any taxes, and this is a real start. Third, he is going to spend $40 billion on the new wall, which is essential to keeping out the rapists and murderers and druggies from Mexico even though more are leaving the U.S. than arriving, and fourth, he will up the military budget by $50 billion. Fifth, he will kill every government regulation he can get his hands on. This is great news because it means jobs, jobs and more jobs.

Me: But how can he pay for all this while lowering taxes?

Jaspers: Listen, this is just the beginning. He said he is also going to spend $1 trillion on fixing up bridges and roads, offer paid family leave, rebuild the horrid inner cities, and keep all jobs in America. He did not say it in his speech, but I fully believe that he will personally close down any business that tries to relocate out of the U.S. or import goods. Manufacturing jobs will all come back, and America will be great again. You can forget about buying those cheap, no good Chinese or Mexican products in Walmart. This is a new era, a turning point in human history.

Me: But I just don’t get it. You are talking about trillions of dollars in tax relief, mainly for the rich, and yet the costs of the wall, the infrastructure initiative, the military and the various social programs will add trillions of dollars to the budget. Won’t this result in a huge budget deficit?

Jaspers: No. It will be paid for by slashing food stamps, the EPA budget, the arts and humanities budgets and the so called “safety net” programs. Plus the economy will start growing at double what it is now—from less than two percent to over four percent. When he wins his second term in 2020, there will be no budget deficit.

Me: Anything else you would like to pass on to our readers?

Jaspers: Yes. This is the beginning of a revolution. Trump was elected by a landslide and enjoys unparalleled popularity. This will only increase as America becomes great again and when he or one of his family members is still in power in 2024 and 2028 and in 2032, and beyond; and there is no   opposition from anyone, no fake news, no protests or despicable, so called “resistance.” Then you will know how great he is, his family is, and how great America is. Historians will then set the record straight. But make no mistake: His fake speech last night was the greatest fake speech in all of human history.

Me: Thank you for your time and insights.

8 thoughts on “Greatest Fake Speech of All Time

  1. You are a courageous man for watching the SOU last night, Joe. I would not have had the stomach to, after Eva, Ella, and I sat through nine-plus hours of a House Judiciary Committee hearing at the close of which Bob Goodlatte, Steve King, Darrell Issa, Jason Chaeffetz, Trey Gowdy, James Sensenbrenner, and Co. rejected obvious attempts to subvert democracy by Democrats who have “still not worked through the five stages of grief” over Hillary losing the election, in a resounding affirmation of Americans’ desire for unified Republican government and a rejection of everything President Obama stood for (a paraphrase, but almost a quote). Faced with the seemingly endless list of conflicts of interest and potentially treasonous contacts between the Trump Organization/campaign/administration and Russia, the committee majority’s attitude might be characterized, by a weaselly degenerate Frenchman like myself, as triumphalist fuite en avant (headlong flight, or rushing ahead regardless). Fortunately for us, in what my sister called a poetic moment, all power went out in NE DC and northern Mount Rainier during the speech of the Cheeto Fuhrer.

  2. Shorthorn Jaspers has all the answers.
    Is there more than one Jasper or are there other bright young journalists?
    Your blog is back….

  3. Joe,
    This is a great fake fake news report on a fake interview with a fake fake news expert giving his fake opinion of a fake fake speech given by an all too real president. One question: Just what is the difference between illegal and undocumented immigrants? Are there any legal undocumented immigrants? I heard today on public radio that since the 2008 meltdown there has been a steady net return of Mexicans to Mexico. Makes sense.

  4. I remain alert, stunned like a brained fish (have been since early November for some reason), determined to listen calmly to my son who voted for DT ( I have two bi-racial granddaughters, and a Japanese daughter – in – law who also voted for Trump, and I, well, see opening phrase re: status of said fish. It’s all theater and I didn’t buy a ticket, oh wait, I’m a citizen. Damn. I’m IN for all performances, Here’s to sunset on the San Clemente Pier, and thanks for your blog! I love the phrase fuite en avant, and I will attempt to use it this week.

    I note that DT did not mention Russia – or his tax returns, or his conflicts of interest.

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