WASHINGTGON, MARCH 14
In a hastily called news briefing to reporters today, White House Press Secretary, Sean Spicer, announced that on Saint Patrick’s Day, the White House will officially relocate to the Mar-a-Lago Club, the Trump-owned, private resort in Palm Beach. He said that since being inaugurated, President Trump has spent only five percent of his time in what has been called the White House and the rest of the time at Mar-a-Lago, and operating two residences for the president is a waste of tax payers’ money. The building on 1600 Pennsylvania Ave will be vacated, locked, painted green so as to avoid any confusion, then converted into a luxury Trump bed and breakfast.
“He is doing this for the American people,” added Spicer. “It is his way of making America great again.”
Trump is also requiring all of his cabinet members to relocate to Palm Beach as well, and his two sons who now run his new development company, “Trump White House Inc.” have just constructed a compound which will provide luxury housing for them. Each cabinet member will be assigned his or her private mansion, which will be large enough to accommodate all the top level staff they need to keep their departments running. All other non essential, government personnel will be terminated. “This is yet again another example of what our president is doing to make America great. “ said Spicer. “Plus it will reduce the cost of government by billions dollars a year and eliminate all deficits, even with the provision that it will be illegal for anyone with net worth of over one billion dollars to pay any taxes whatsoever.”
Rex Tillerson was the first cabinet member to determine how many people were required to manage the State Department –a total of 14 employees. Doctor Ben Carson was next regarding HUD, zero. Other departments are expected to fall between those two numbers.
The initial reaction on Capitol Hill has been mixed. The Republicans are euphoric and the Democrats outraged. Since this is a special executive order, it will go into effect immediately, leaving millions of Americans unemployed after March 17. “No one will know the difference,” said Spicer, “since these low life, incompetents don’t do anything anyway. By definition they are not essential, and if they are not essential, why pay them? If they want to actually work, they can go into the military.”
When asked by one reporter if the next order would be to relocate the U.S. Capital to Palm Beach, he replied that it was “under consideration” and dependent on Trump White house Inc. being able to furnish housing for all members of the U.S. Congress and their staffs.
When asked by another reporter if anyone had been able to produce any evidence that Obama personally tapped Trump’s phone, he corrected the reporter and had him forcefully removed for disrespect. “It was not the phone anyway,” he said, “it was the microwave and we have incontrovertible evidence. But it is too complicated to go into.”
The press conference adjourned with no further questions.