Trump: Ok. Meeting come to order. Do we nuke ‘em now or later?
Kelly: Mr. President, with all due respect, I think we need to think this thing through.
Bannon: Nuke ‘em now. Show ‘em who’s boss.
Trump: Shut up, Steve. Ok, General, how many nukes we got ready to go?
Kelly: 1,800, sir, about the same number as Russia.
Trump: I am not worried about Russia for Crissake. You mean we got this many nukes and they are just sitting there gathering dust and costing the U.S. tax payers money?
Kelly: It is all about deterrent. We have these weapons to use as a deterrent to other nations that if they strike first we will annihilate them. In fact we have always had a no strike first policy.
Trump: Not anymore we don’t. I do not believe in wasting the tax payer’s money and let some two bit, diddlysquat, second rate, worthless country hit first. The American people won’t stand for it. If we are going to nuke them anyway, I say just skip the first step and get rid of the country. It would be doing the world a big favor.
Bannon: Right. Mr. President!
Kelly: But that would have disastrous consequences. North Korea we believe has about forty nuclear weapons which could fit on rockets that could easily reach South Korea and Japan and possibly Guam. If we did not knock them all out, they would retaliate any way they could. South Korea would be gone for sure. Tens of millions of people would be killed. There are more than 25 million living in the Seoul metro area who would be vaporized. Plus we do not know where all the weapons are. They are located in mobile units in tunnels underground. There is no way we could get them all.
Trump: What has South Korea done for us lately?
Kelly: They could also hit Japan and kill millions more.
Trump: Hell, Japan nuked us in World War II. Would serve them right.
Kelly: Pardon me, Mr. President, Japan did not nuke us.
Trump: Oh yeah, what about Pearl Harbor?
Kelly: That was with conventional weapons. Actually we nuked them.
Trump: Whatever. And that was a first strike. So much for the no first strike theory. It did not apply then, and it won’t work now.
Bannon: Right, Mr. President.
Kelly: I am not the only one to offer caution. You have two other former generals in your cabinet who are in the Situation Room.
Trump: So how about it, MacMaster?
MacMaster: Agree with General Kelly. This could be the worst disaster in all of human history.
Trump: Well, that is what I was hinting at when I said that they would see fire and fury the world has never known. They have it coming to them. What about you, Mattis?
Trump: I also agree with General Kelly and General MacMaster. If there is any way we can avoid a nuclear war we should. We have to let this cool down plus we do not know what China or Russia would do.
Trump: I goddamn told you I am not worried about Russia. How many nukes do the Chinks have?
Mattis: We believe they have approximately 260.
Trump: Hell, that’s nothing. How much damage could that do?
Mattis: Wipe out every major city in the U.S.
Trump: Not if we get to them first. Hell, if we are going to wipe out North Korea, how much effort would it be to just keep flying and knock out China while we are at it?
MacMaster. Sir, it is a very large country…
Bannon: And just think how great that would make us. We would be first again.
Trump: Anyone else? Rex, what about you?
Tillerson: I agree with the generals, sir. We need to give diplomacy a chance.
Trump: So what are you doing about it?
Tillerson: Unfortunately all the officials appointed by Obama were fired just after the Inauguration. We have not replaced anyone and there are no plans to do so. We do not have anyone available at the State Department to work on it. Someone suggested sending Dennis Rodman over and offering them an NBA franchise, maybe Charlotte, but that seems like a long shot.
Trump: Give that some more thought, Rex. Anyone else weighing in….? Well, not hearing any response from anyone else in the Situation Room, I am assuming that all the rest of you agree with me and Steve. I’ve got a golf game with some Russian friends right now, then dinner at the grill, then another golf game tomorrow morning, but will get back to you when I have decided what to do. Or you can read about it in the fake newspapers.