FN: Mr. President, thank you for taking the time out from your vacation and daily golf game—and we know that you are the best golfer that ever occupied the White House and one of the greatest golfers who ever lived—thank you for agreeing to an exclusive interview as you now have reached your first 200 days in office.
Trump: The greatest 200 days of all time. Just look at the stock market. Think of all the billionaires I have made even richer and how rich everyone now is, and it is all because of me. Under Obama the economy tanked, and if crooked Hillary had been elected, God help us. She would have been impeached and in jail anyway if she had been elected, and she should be in jail now. That is why I want to fire Sessions. I told him to nail her, and what has he done? Nothing. Disloyal bastard, plus he has given the crook, Mueller, a free hand to carry on a witch hunt that the American people know is fake, just like all the fake news about Russia. The American people know Putin is our friend, and all this stuff about the election meddling is made up by Democrats, the sore losers. They can’t beat me at the polls, so they do this. They should all be put in jail, and frankly the American people won’t stand for this behavior.
FN: Thank you, Mr. President, but the purpose of the interview is to talk about your many accomplishments.
Trump: Well, there are so many I don’t know where to begin. Have you checked out the occupancy of my DC Hotel lately? We have tripled the room rates and are booked almost trough 2020. Mainly foreign diplomats and foreign businessmen. They know a good president when they see one, but not these terrible Democrats and even the weak kneed Republicans, who can’t even pass a health care bill, they are disgusting. And Hillary. If she hadn’t paid off three million illegals in California to vote for her, I would have won the popular vote by the widest margin ever. And we are building more hotels, golf courses and resorts all over the world. It is fabulous, just fabulous! But poor Donny Junior. He is doing such a great job running the business, but they are trying to tar and feather him over some fake meeting with Russians.
FN: Thank you, Mr. President, but actually I was thinking about all your many political and government achievements.
Trump: Oh yeah, those. Well, if you read history books, there has been nothing like it. Start with my executive orders. I have rolled back every order on the environment that the crook, Obama, ordered illegally. All his fake nonsense about climate change. And we are now out of the Paris Accord, freeing us up to do whatever we like, and believe me, we will do it. The American people know fake news when they see it. And I have pretty much wiped out the EPA. As a practical matter they are finished. Ditto for the State Department. We are not filling vacancies because we don’t need a bunch of egg heads telling Rex what to do. HUD? A dead duck and the same for most of the other agencies except Homeland Security. The American people know that Washington bureaucrats are our real enemy. We are taking care of that big time. And yet all the fake news is about Russia. The fake press should be locked up for all their lies and fake news. But we are taking action. Did you know I have just started my own TV station where you will get the real news?
FN: Thank you, Mr. President. You are a great man, a great golfer, and the greatest president of all time. But are there other things you are proud of?
Trump: You bet. I’ll go through this fast because my golf game with my Russian guests is to start soon. But take this all down. I am nailing the immigrants big time, stopping the Muslims from coming in and sending the Latinos back to where they belong. Good riddance and the American people love me for it. And just you watch—the wall is gonna get built. Then we will nail illegal voters, throwing ‘em in jail. There is massive voter fraud, and everyone knows it. It is all those no good Democrats who are cheating. That will come to a halt when we get all the voter registration info. You are not going to see that many Democrats vote in the future. And we are now suing the colleges who pursue so called “affirmative action.” We are requiring cops to get tougher with suspects, rough ‘em up, and we are going to throw all drug users in jail and are seeing massive new construction of private prisons to take care that. Helps the economy–jobs, jobs, jobs. In fact Donny and Eric are starting a new prison company. And did I mention the Supreme Court justice?
FN: Would you care to comment on legislation that has been passed?
Trump: I am draining the swamp, but it is slower than I had hoped. It is basically the Democrats fault. We had a great health care bill which would have been great, really great, the greatest ever. Fake News said 25-30 million would lose their insurance, but that was a lie. Obamacare is destroying our country, and everyone knows it. A couple of Republicans caved and they will pay for it, but we will get a law and it will be wonderful and beautiful. And then we got tax breaks coming next—I mean tax reform—and that will really make everyone richer and give us more jobs, jobs and jobs.
FN: And foreign policy?
Trump: The Congress totally screwed up on the Russian sanctions bill, but I am going to work around that, and as for North Korea and China, well, I would like to talk about that, but I’ve got to go to my golf game. I will say this: That a couple of nukes from us would pretty much end any threat from them because there would be no “them” left. And as I told somebody a while back, if you’ve got these nukes, why not just use them? They are just sitting around gathering dust.
FN: Thank you, Mr. President…
Trump: And one more thing. I am sick and tired of all these fake polls saying I am not popular. Have you ever been to one of my rallies? They are packed, and they love me. They scream and holler my name and they say I am the greatest man who ever lived. Some of the evangelicals say I am the second Jesus. They are the ones who know. They know how much good I am doing. And believe me, if those crooked Democrats, sore losers, try to give me trouble over a fake Russian tampering which never happened, we could be talking armed resistance from my devoted followers, who love me so much. So everybody better watch out.
FN: Thank you Mr. President. Congratulations on the best first 200 days in U.S. history. You surely must be the greatest man who ever lived. Good luck in your golf game with your Russian guests! And thanks for making America great again!