Breaking Faux News: Joint Session of Congress Erupts in Brawl. Numerous Injuries Reported.

Washington DC, January 16, 2017. In one of the most unusual occurrences in U.S. history, a joint session of the Senate and the House of Representatives this afternoon resulted in fist fighting between scores of elected leaders on both sides of the aisle. Multiple injuries were reported, and several officials have been hospitalized though none of the injuries appear to be life threatening.

The reason for the melee was an argument over the difference in meaning between “shithole” and “shithouse.”

Several days ago President Trump was reported by Dick Durbin, U.S. Senator from Illinois, as referring to virtually all African countries and Haiti as “shitholes.” This charge was vigorously denied by two of the Republican Senators, David Perdue (GA) and Tom Cotton (Ark), who were present at the meeting and have categorically denied that the President said anything of the sort or made any comments critical of any country. They have called Senator Durbin a liar and have demanded investigations by the Senate Ethics Committee. Some Republicans are calling for Durbin to be removed from office. Others are calling him a traitor.

This weekend in interviews by the press and comments on televised talk shows, the Republican Senators confirmed that the word the President used was not “shitholes” but rather “shithouses” and repeated their demands for Durbin to be censored by the Senate. Senator Durbin, however, stands by his assertion that the term was “shitholes” and appears to be backed up by Republican Senator Lindsey Graham (SC), who was also at the meeting.

In a news conference this morning, Sarah Huckabee Sanders, explained why this is important. “What you have to understand,” she said , “Is that there is a huge difference between a shithole and a shithouse. A shithouse is simply a bathroom, and as you may know some of Trump’s supporters refer to bathrooms as shithouses. That is why he used the term. But for the President this is not a derogatory term at all but actually one of endearment. Have you seen any of the bathrooms in Trump Tower in New York or the Trump Hotel in DC? They are literally gold plated. Gold plated everything, even toilet seats. What is more, the toilets in Trump Hotels have water sprays that spray up on your, err, bottom just like they do in Japan. Trump loves these toilets. People pay big money for this. They are the hallmark of his hotels and luxury resorts and to even suggest that calling another country a shithouse is an insult just shows how dumb Democrats are and how they don’t understand the American people. Trump’s supporters know this and that is why his ratings skyrocketed after this comment came out in the press. On the other hand, a shithole is, well, a shithole, and President Trump would never use a term like this since he has never used profanity. This is why we are asking for impeachment proceedings to begin against Little Dickey Durbin.”

These comments were not received well by Democrats, who described the situation as a constitutional crisis and demanded a joint session of Congress to resolve the matter before it gets further out of hand. The White House, hoping this would enable the crisis to pass, granted the demand. The unusual joint session started this afternoon at 1:00P.M. The meeting was chaired by the Vice President, who opened his remarks by saying that the purpose of the event was to once and for all settle the difference between a shithole and a shithouse and that a voice vote would be taken at the end of the meeting after the presentations by five experts in the field of flush consulting.

Before Pence could finish his remarks, however, chanting broke out on the Republican side with virtually all Republican elected officials screaming at the top or their lungs, “ShitHOUSE, ShitHOUSE, ShitHOUSE!”

Seconds later the Democratic side erupted with chants of “ShitHOLE. ShitHOLE, ShitHOLE!”

Chaos then consumed the chamber as the Vice President banged his gavel and unsuccessfully demanded decorum. Moments later fighting broke out in the aisles. Emergency calls were made first to the Capitol Police, then the National Guard and finally the U.S. Army. Order was finally restored at 3:00 P.M. but not before scores of Congressmen and Senators had been taken to local hospitals. Details are not yet available regarding the casualties.

Trump tweeted during the melee, “Kick it to ‘em, gang! Shove ‘em down a shithole.” The tweet was retracted by Admiral Kelly seconds after it was posted.

There are reports that across the country rallies for shitholes and rallies for shithouses will be taking place this evening. As a precautionary matter, most governors have put their national guard units on high alert. More information will be forthcoming as it becomes available.

 

      

3 thoughts on “Breaking Faux News: Joint Session of Congress Erupts in Brawl. Numerous Injuries Reported.

  1. Ah, your column makes me wax nostalgic for the shithouses of my childhood: the half moons, the sawdust, the daylight through the cracks as you imbibe the perfume from below. How I would cherish the honor of having our Dear Leader visit one of these fine facilities, he who so loves and seeks to uplift rural white America. If mine still existed, I would certainly escort him into one and then nail the door shut long enough for him to contemplate where to have one of his illegals install the gold-handled bidet.

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