Last week all members of the Republican Congress and Senate met at the exclusive Greenbrier Resort in West Virginia for a two-day retreat and strategy session and to salute President Trump, who attended the affair. The event got off to a shaky start when the Amtrak Train carrying most of the attendees hit   a truck and killed the driver, but that did not diminish the exuberance and enthusiasm surrounding their popular president. Before Trump arrived three long lines formed which led to three different doors. The sign on the first door read, “Kiss His Ring.” The sign on the second read “Kiss His Ass” and the third simply read “Worship Him.” All those standing in line were alerted that they were expected to bring gifts and express their praise and gratitude during their brief moment with the president.

But that was not the big story of the event. The big story as learned by Faux News and verified by three independent and reliable sources was what has been referred to as the “Secret Assembly.” During the time that members were standing in line for their chance to kiss part of the president’s anatomy or to worship him, a top secret meeting was taking place in what was formerly the nuclear bunker, deep under the mountain behind the resort. One dozen, carefully chosen participants attended including the Speaker of the House, the Majority Leader of the Senate, and the leaders of the various Republican caucuses. Also present were several major Republican donors including the Koch Brothers and the Mercers. The purpose of the meeting was to hear the report of the 2018 Victory Team, which had just completed its highly classified assessment of the prospects for a Republican victory in 2018 and 2020. The Victory Team had enlisted the services of the international consulting firm, Annihilation Consulting Inc., with offices in Moscow and New York. The following is a transcript of the address made by the president of Annihilation Consulting, Alexi Krovsnovsky, a Russian private citizen with alleged strong ties to Vladimir Putin. Krovsnovsky had made a clandestine arrival at the resort the night before, dressed as a garbage collector.

Krovsnovsky [speaking with a heavy Russian accent]: Gentlemen, thank you for giving Annihilation Consulting the Opportunity to present our findings regarding the prospects for a Republican victory in 2018 and in 2020. I have bad news and I have good news. The bad news is that our research indicates that unless the current mood of your country changes, the Democrats will retake the House and the Senate in 2018 and that the U.S. will have a Democratic president in 2020. The good news is that this won’t happen. Allow me to explain why and how, if you follow our recommendations, the Republican Party will not only win but will transform the United States in ways that before now were unimaginable.

Let me begin.

The key to Republican success in both 2018 and 2020 will be the Russians. The Russians did it for you in 2016 and –and this is very important–if you are able to meet certain demands and expectations, the Russians will do it again. The kind of technology the Russians have created and the power that goes with it is unprecedented and beyond anything the world has ever seen. Think of 2016 as a rehearsal. The Russians were merely using cap guns. Now the Russians are rolling out their full arsenal and will be using real bullets. In fact the big show is already starting. Have you been following the tweets on the Nunes memo? Not only do Russians have the social media strategies laid out with bots and tweets, the Russians now have the technology to change virtually every vote cast in every precinct in the United States. In other words the Russians will decide who wins and by how much. And even more significant, you are so far behind in the U.S. that there is nothing that anyone can do about it for 2018—if the Russians stay involved; and if you Republicans play your cards right, 2020 will also be yours for the asking. But there is a catch. The Russians can decide not to get involved. They will get your people elected only if you play ball. I have this information directly from the lips of my good friend, Vladimir Putin.

[There is stunned silence for a moment and then various attendees start to shout questions.]

Mr. Ryan: Quiet, quiet. Let us hear what else he has to say. Mr. Krovsnovsky, what are the conditions that the Russians expect? How do we play ball?

Mr. K. It is very simple. One, you stop the investigation about the Russian involvement in the 2016 election and fire everyone involved. Two, you apologize to Russia for the fake investigation. Three, you curb the American free press. They are a nuisance and spread fake news. Four, you roll back all sanctions against Russia and, five, you enter into a new relationship with Russia based on mutual respect and mutual interests. Vladimir has asked me to remind you that between the U.S. and Russia the two countries will control 90 percent of the nuclear weapons on the planet and working together could relatively easily take care of annoyances like North Korea. Russia will not demand that you get out of NATO immediately and will not expect anything that might be called radical—at least not at first. But think of what you will get in return. The election results you want in perpetuity. The Democratic Party would essentially be finished. Even if the U.S. were eventually able to stop election “engineering,” as we call it in Russia, the damage would be done. There would be no turning back. There is, of course, a sixth requirement: No one must know about this. Absolutely no one besides those here in this Secret Assembly. Leakers will be annihilated.

Mr. Ryan: Thank you, Mr. Krovsnovsky, this is very interesting and something we will consider seriously. You must be reminded that in the U.S. we believe in free and fair elections and in a free press. But I also have to say that there is nothing that you have said today that would lead me to conclude that we could not work with Russia to further the rule of law and democracy and freedom of speech. We share your values and look forward to a fruitful future working together to bring peace, prosperity, free speech, and democracy to the entire world.

[Meeting ends with wild applause.]