Faux News: Treason Accusations Move to Serious Stage

It has been only a week since the President called the elected Democrats who failed to stand or applaud his State of the Union address “un-American” and “treasonous,” a charge that, if upheld, carries with it the death penalty. While the national reaction seems to have subsided, in the White House feverish steps are being taken to bring the accusation to the next level. Faux News has learned that a secret committee has been formed to arrest the guilty parties, try them for high treason and then execute them in a formal ceremony, which would be at the conclusion of what Trump is now touting as the largest military parade in the history of the world. Many in the White House, including the President, are euphoric. Trump is reported as exclaiming, “the treason bit was a slip of the tongue, but, wow, what an impact! My base loves me for it. The Evangelicals love me for it. The country loves me for it. Let’s do it and do it quickly. With almost all the Democrats out of the picture, it will free me up. I can kill the Russian investigation, jail the Dreamers, kill Medicaid, Medicare, food stamps, and cut back social security. Plus any pro football player who kneels instead of stands with his hand over his heart during the National Anthem will be jailed for treason and end up with the Democrats!”

From the back of the room a soft voice said, “We have time, Mister President, football season is over until next September.”

The excitement in the White House was not universal. Some argued that the Constitution protects free speech and that the Supreme Court would never allow the treason charge to stand. When this comment was offered by a young lawyer and new member of the team, the President’s face turned red, and he shouted, “How many times do I have to tell you people that all the Constitution protects is speech. The assholes who failed to clap did not say a word. When they failed to stand, they did not say a word. This is not speech, it is silence, and the Constitution does not say a word about protecting silence. They are all guilty, guilty as hell, and they will pay for this! Besides I know I have five votes on the Court that will support this. I have already checked.”

Vice President Pence applauded and stood up.

A second discussion followed regarding how the executions would actually happen and if anyone knew of American companies that specialized in making a gallows or a guillotine. A young aid volunteered to do research on American execution companies. There was also considerable discussion regarding the pros and cons of each execution device versus the electric chair or a very large firing squad. Since several hundred Congressmen and Senators would need to be executed in a short period of time, that would require many devices. After further discussion the group decided to go with the guillotine for its historic significance and its shock value. Trump directed Junior to form a new company, “Trump Execution Inc.” and get to work building these devices immediately. The final plan would call for them to be placed around the Capitol in a very large circle; and when the Greatest-Military Parade-in-The-History-of-the-World reached the Capitol, the executions would begin. Jet planes from the military would fly overhead and fireworks would be set off everywhere. Thousands of temporary stadium stands would be erected around the Capitol allowing hundreds of thousands of paying customers to watch this historic event. One of Trump’s aids reported that it will actually make money. The Koch Brothers had already reserved over 1,000 seats at an average cost of $500 a ticket.

Trump concluded the meeting by smiling and expounding, “This is one thing that history will remember me for. Standing up for what is right. Standing up for the Constitution of the United States. Standing up for respect. Standing up for patriotism and love of America. Standing up for the American people. At last the country and the world will respect me.”

Vice President Pence stood up again and applauded.

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