Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders took on the press today at a news conference limited to reporters from news outlets the Trump Administration is calling the “True Press.” Attendees included Fox News, the Liberty University Free Press, the Wall Street Journal, the Washington Examiner, Russia Today, and, of course, our own reporter from Faux News (incognito). Fake news outlets like the New York Times and the Washington Post are now barred from all press conferences as are reporters from CNN and MSNBC. (Joe Scarborough was arrested earlier today and charged with treason.) It is not clear if the White House will expand the number of attendees in future press conferences beyond those present today. Recorded by our reporter disguised in a trench coat and wearing sun glasses, the press conference proceeded as follows:
Sanders: Thank you all for coming. Finally we have a White House press corps that Americans can trust and believe in. I am pleased to report that the President will be making an announcement later today that he will eliminate by executive order the two-term limit on being president. It is just not fair that great countries like Russia and China can have leaders-for-life; yet when we have a great leader like our President, he can only serve two terms. This is outrageous and will be changed. Questions?
WSJ: But how can he change the term limit when it is in the Twenty-Second Amendment that you can’t serve more than two terms?
Sanders: The President is not aware of any amendments that would preclude this executive order.
WSJ: Thank you for clarifying that. One more question. Is Trump For or Against Gun Control? He seems to be wavering.
Sanders: He is definitely for it.
WSJ: But he also said that he sides with the NRA on all matters.
Sanders: He does. The NRA is a great organization and a leader in the gun control effort. Were it not for them, there is no telling how many school killings we would have. Probably one a day.
WSJ: But what about the students and what they want—raising the minimum age for buying guns, more background checks and banning assault weapons?
Sanders: The President has been perfectly clear on that. He supports the students and is against school killings and fully supports the NRA. Next question.
Liberty Free Press: Is the President for or against allowing the Dreamers to stay?
Sanders: The answer is yes. How many times do I have to answer this question?
Liberty Free Press: Thanks for clarifying that.
Washington Examiner: Do you think that the new tariff policies Trump just announced will grow or will shrink the economy?
Sanders: Of course they will. That is what all the economists are telling us.
Washington Examiner: Thank you.
Fox News: What about North Korea? Reports are that the President is considering a preemptive nuclear strike that would take out the whole country. Are these reports accurate?
Sanders: The President acts when he acts. Look what he just did on tariffs. He made that decision without consulting a soul. The President will do what he will do, and don’t expect him to ask for your opinion or anyone else’s. Just keep reading the tweets. The world will be a lot better off without that country.
Liberty Free Press: Would you agree that the President is the incarnation of Jesus Christ himself and that we are witnessing the Second Coming?
Sanders: Thank you for that question. The President is very modest, and I would refer you to Franklin Graham or for that matter any of the professors at Liberty University or really almost any Evangelical Leader. They will tell you. Also ask the Vice President.
Russia Today: How are the relations with Russia going? Are they getting better or worse?
Sanders: Of course they are.
Russia Today. That is what I thought. Thank you.
Examiner: Is it true that the President is going to replace Defense Secretary Jim Mattis with Stormy Daniels as Defense Secretary?
Sanders: I will not comment as long at the law suit is going on?
Examiner: What law suit?
Sanders: Next question.
WSJ: It has been reported that the President is considering clarifying by executive order the First Amendment to disallow any speech by fake news outlets or fake news reporters. Can he do that?
Sanders: Well, the Constitution was written when there was no such thing as fake news, so he can do whatever he wants to in that regard. Next Question. You in the back with the overcoat and dark glasses.
Faux News: What about the turnover at the White House? It seems there is chaos and free-fall. Why have so many people left?
Sanders: We are not aware of any unusual turnover of staff at the White House. Trump is probably the most popular president of all time and his staff love him. No one of importance has left.
Faux News: What about Reince Priebus, Chief of Staff; Katie Walsh, Deputy Chief of Staff; Sean Spicer, Press Secretary; George Sifakis, Director of Public Liaison; Michel Flynn, National Security Advisor; KT McFarland, Deputy National Security Advisor? What about Hope Hicks and Rob Porter? Look, I have a list of 24 high level staff who have left, and I am not sure if it is even complete.
Sanders: Who is this guy?
Several reporters: Faux News!
Sanders: We already have one Fox News reporter in the room and only one per news media is allowed. Police! Police! Get him out of here! Arrest him!
Press Conference continues but without our reporter, who is forcefully removed from the room and is now under police custody.