Transcript: Emergency Cabinet Meeting, The White House, Sunday, March 18, 2018, 7:30 A.M.
Trump: Ok, thanks to all you Cabinet members and advisers for coming over this Sunday morning. You should all probably be in church—except for you, Mnuchin–but this is a national crisis.
Pence: Thank you for inviting us, Your Excellency. Your call is our command. And what would that crisis be?
Trump: You idiot, don’t you read the papers or watch Fox News? There is a “March for so called Our Lives” on Saturday and then 60 Minutes with Stormy on Sunday. These two bomb shells could ruin us. We need a plan.
Pence: Forgive me, Your Highest Honor. I wasn’t thinking.
Trump: Well, we need a plan, and we need one now.
Huckebee Sanders: You need to out press-coverage them, Your Highness. We have to come up with something that will put The March for Our Lives on the back pages. Ditto for Stormy.
Trump: So who’s got ideas?
Awkward period of silence
Perry: How about starting a war?
Gasp from several cabinet members followed by another awkward period of silence
Trump: You aren’t the dumb shit I thought you were, Rick. In fact you may be on to something. So who the hell do we want to bomb to hell and back before the weekend?
Voice from the side: Russia?
Trump: Who the hell said that? Who said Russia?
Carson: It was me, sir, Ben Carson.
Trump: You are fired right now. Get out of here. Police, escort this man out! The nerve to think that I would consider a war with Russia. Actually I have been thinking about firing you for a couple of weeks. I don’t mind anyone spending $50,000 of tax payers’ money on a conference table and chairs, but getting caught is another thing. You should have run the purchase through an LLC. Anyway this is the last straw. You probably believe the lies and fake news that Russia interfered with our election and helped elect me.
Carson is escorted from the room.
DeVos: What about North Korea!
Trump: Nice suggestion, Betsy, but I’m meeting with Kim in May, and we have to start a war this weekend to take the focus off the Communist-inspired march and the 60 Minutes interview with Lying Stormy. We need to act right now!
Trump: Too big and they’ve got nukes. We might lose. Furthermore, you are fired. You haven’t done didley-squat for the VA, and you spend more tax payers’money on yourself than Carson does. Police!
Shulkin is escorted from the room.
Trump: No way, and if we win, we get all these Latinos coming here. We would have to wipe them off the face of the Earth. Besides I want the Wall.
Another period of awkward silence
Sessions: Hey, what about Canada?
Pence: You can’t be serious. Canada is our friend.
Trump: Quiet, Pence. I believe this might be the only decent idea this imbecile has had since he has been AG. Canada? Canada?
Sessions: Thank you, Your Reverence. It is just a thought.
Trump: Yes, Canada! Of course. Why didn’t I think of Canada? The idea is brilliant even if it comes from a dumb mind. Since they think they are our friends, they will suspect nothing. They have no nukes, and a bunch of red-coated guys with big hats riding around on horses would be toast for the full might of our military. Plus this Trudeau guy has got to go. Everyone knows they are cheating us on trading. It would serve him right.
Sessions: I am so honored.
Trump: Well, you better be because if Mueller is still around next Sunday, you are fired.
Trump: So this is my order–Mattis and McMaster, pay attention: I am officially authorizing a take-over of Canada with the goal being annexation of this country and expanding the land area of the United States to include all of North America except for the pitiful country of Mexico, which no one wants anyway. What you should do, Mattis, is storm Montreal and take over the Parliament buildings and kidnap that two-bit, lying Trudeau and get him to surrender or else.
Ross: Sir, I believe the capital of Canada is Ottawa.
Trump: Whatever. Now if Trudeau does not surrender, then you tell him we will use our nukes and settle things once and for all. This needs to happen on Thursday, so it will be headlines on Friday and through the weekend.
Mattis: Sir, I believe that Canada is a member of NATO. That could cause some push back.
Trump: NATO, SCHMATO—a worthless organization. I will take care of them. Now, does anyone in this room see any problem with attacking, conquering and annexing Canada?
Pense: Bravo, Your Most Exalted One! Your base will love you for this. Republicans will stand behind you 100%, and Ryan and McConnell will be at your side supporting you in this time of national crisis. Our security as a nation is at stake. And you bet that this will dominate the airwaves!
Trump: Thank you, Pense. You are absolutely right. I am glad I thought of this, and it will go down in the history books as one of the greatest decisions of all time, and I will be the greatest President of all time. How about it, Mattis? Can you get this done? And McMaster, what do you think?
Mattis and McMaster: Sir, we believe you are a fucking moron.
Trump: Then you can join the idiot Tillerson. You both are fired, and I am replacing you with two Fox News anchors. Now get the hell out, and this Cabinet meeting is adjourned.