Note to readers: if you are reading this, this means you probably got a notification. Several people have asked why no blog posts recently. For some reason the notification seems not have not been working. There have been several posts, however—mainly Faux News so take a look if you have missed them.
Yes it was Faux News that leaked the story to the press about Trump’s call to Putin on March 20. In the most explosive and revelatory reporting of our entire history as a fake news organization, we made history by eavesdropping during the Trump call yesterday with Vladimir Putin and recording it all with a concealed cell phone. We were only able to record one half of the conversation, the part from the President. The reporter who scooped the story must remain anonymous. He was able to accomplish his mission when disguised as a McDonald’s employee, he delivered Trump’s usual lunch order of two Big Macs, double order of fries with extra ketchup and two milk shakes. By dropping the delivery box and spilling the contents on the floor, he was able to delay just long enough to record almost all of the secure phone call. Here is the transcript (all comments by President Trump):
Knock on door.
OK come in. Bout time you showed up with lunch. I’m starving! Just put it on the table.
You , boy, I am on the line, so keep quiet. I said you can just put the food on the table. Now quiet.
Oh, Vladdy, hi, this is Donald.
Don’t worry, Vlad, I am on a totally secure line, and I don’t have a single adviser in the room to leak our conversation.
What the hell are you doing, you idiot? No, Vladdy, not you, this dumb ass delivery boy. He just dropped my Big Macs on the floor. Now clean up the mess and get the hell out of here, you moron! No, Vlad, I am not talking to you. That was intended for the delivery boy. My lunch is all over the floor, and do you have any idea what I paid for the rug? Actually I didn’t pay it. The taxpayers did, but I will guarantee it is the most expensive rug any President ever had. More than was paid by the taxpayers for Ben Carson or Scott Pruitt’s stuff.
Yes, good to talk to you, too, Vlad.
And, yes, the reason that I am calling is to congratulate you on a terrific win. Over 70%. That is fabulous! I probably could do that myself if the election were today, but no one thinks so because they believe the fake polls. These are dreamed up by the Fake Press just to make me look bad. Actually I am very popular, especially among my base and the Evangelicals. But I think you are even more popular. So, heh, heh, maybe you could say I am a little envious.
So, Vlad, since I have you on a secure line and no advisers are in the room, I am wondering if we might talk about a couple of sensitive items.
Yes, Vlad, I am sure it is safe. Delivery boy, what the hell are you doing? Shit, you spilled the chocolate shake all over the coffee table. For god’s sake, you imbecile, now clean that up too! No Vlad, not you, the delivery boy. He just spilled one of the shakes on my comic books. I mean for crissakes, where do they find these nincompoops? And people complain about the minimum wage being too low…
Yes, Vlad, it is a totally secure line. No need to worry.
Yes, the family is fine. Thanks for asking.
Now the first matter has to do with the hotels. How are they coming along?
That is great to hear, Vladdy. You know they must be registered in another name so I have set up a fake LLC, but Donny Junior heads that up and will be your main contact.
Yes, Vladdy, he thinks a lot of you, too.
And the second item is this, well, sensitive item regarding a certain video tape with the girls at the beauty pageant.
Oh, you have taken care of it?
The tape burned and the filmmakers were accidently poisoned by eating bad fish?
Vlad, how can I ever repay you?
Oh yes, I am working on that and can assure you the fake inquiry will be terminated. Next time we talk it will all be over.
Yes, I promise. That was the deal we had, didn’t we?
Oh, my God, you incompetent idiot! No, not you, Vladdy. It is the delivery boy again! He just spilled the strawberry shake all over the velvet couch. I am going to call security!
You are right, Vladdy, I can’t afford to do that. Got to keep this secure. Anyway he is trying to clean up the mess and will be out of here in a sec.
Yes, Vlad, I did have one other sensitive item. You know the last election and the fake inquiry and all that. Well, you and I know that I won by my own account and that Russia had nothing to do with it, but I am a tad worried right now about the mid terms and 2020. Do you think? I mean, do you believe…?
Well, yes, Vlad, while I know that you are clean, I am also very grateful for what, you know, happened and am, er, wondering if maybe you know if something like that might happen again.
Really? You are already working on it?
No kidding, Vladdy, this is fabulous to hear!
Ahead of where you were this time before the 2016 election?
Fabulous news, Vaddy! This will pay off for you big time.
Yes, there is a deal to be made, now get the hell out of here you dumb ass idiot. No, no, Vladdy, I am not talking to you but to the delivery boy. My office is a mess and he is finally leaving. No tip for him. Now let’s talk about what I can do for you in return…
End of recording