Faux News Breaking News: US Congress Set To Curtail Gun Violence. Again.

Following the most recent mass shooting in Thousand Oaks, California, a suburb of Los Angeles, on November 7 where 12 people, mainly college students, were gunned down in a nightclub, Paul Ryan and Mitch McConnell vowed to move on gun legislation immediately. Ryan told Faux News, “ These mass shootings seem to be happening almost on a weekly basis. We can’t wait any longer. We must act now or never. That is why we will get historic legislation passed by the lame duck Congress.”

McConnell agreed with Ryan at a hastily called press conference where he described the highlights of the bill, which he said was a slight variation of the last three Republican legislative initiatives on gun violence. “The most important thing is that once this popular bill becomes law, every bona fide American twelve years old and older will be required to carry a loaded weapon at all times. Also every person will be required to undergo target practice, and anyone failing the test will not be allowed to attend school if they are under age 18; and if they are over age 18,they will be denied a driver’s license or have their license revoked until they can shoot straight.

 “Can you imagine what would have happened in that night club if everyone there was carrying heat? Sure, the killer might have knocked off one or two people, but someone would have nailed him after he had fired a few shots. This is a terrific bill and hugely popular among Republicans who, I would like to point out, still control Congress until January 3, 2019. The only controversial aspects of the bill are whether the required age should be 12 or an older age, like 18, and what the shooting skill levels need to be to stay in school or get a driver’s license. There are also some questions as to whether 80-year olds should be required to carry loaded weapons. Note also that an important part of the bill excludes all illegal aliens and persons born to illegals. In fact they will be prevented from purchasing weapons, which should make the gun-takeaway advocates happy.

“But, mind you, this bill will pass. We are even tossing in some goodies to placate our namby-pamby friends across the aisle by providing subsidies to poor people, who can’t afford to buy weapons. The subsidies will be modeled after those in the Affordable Care Act, and state exchanges will be set up for this purpose. We are even exploring whether we can expand Medicaid to cover the cost of weapons. How could any self respecting Democrat oppose this? Plus anyone purchasing a weapon will receive a tax credit for the full cost; and if the weapon is an assault weapon, you will get double benefits. The tax paying public will love this. Also subsidies will be provided to all public schools to cover the cost of shooting ranges, which are required by the legislation. ”

The first question asked by reporters was why after every mass shooting, Republicans have promised to pass a universal, mandatory, gun-carry bill, but so far none have become law. McConnell blamed the Congressional stalemate on the Democrats whom he accused of being weak-kneed when it comes to firearms. “That is exactly why,” McConnell said, “we have to get this passed now during the lame duck Congress. Once Democrats take over the House in 2019, our chances are gone for responsibly curbing mass shootings and gun violence in this country. It is now or never.”

Asked by a reporter why with a population of almost 130 million people and with strong gun control laws, Japan had only nine gun deaths in 2017, McConnell responded that the Japanese don’t count since they are Asians. Besides they prefer knives, he said, and there are no statistics on that. 

A second question related to the United Kingdom, a country of over 55 million, which had fewer than 25 gun deaths last year while the US had over 33,000. The reporter pointed out that the gun murder rate in the US is over 160 times that of the UK, a country which has strict gun laws. Several other questions referred to other countries with strong gun laws and murder rates a mere fraction of those in the U.S., countries like Germany, China and South Korea. The two officials shrugged off the questions as irrelevant citing the much higher gun death rates in El Salvador.

The proposed legislation, while opposed by the majority of the U.S. population, is expected to pass if it is voted on by the lame duck Congress since both houses are still controlled by Republicans. President Trump strongly supports the legislation calling it the first responsible gun law ever proposed and at 3:25 AM this morning tweeted, “Pass the gun-carry bill now. Founding Fathers would love it.”

Democrats vow to revisit legislation in 2019 once the new Congress is in session. They remain committed to curbing gun violence by passing stronger anti-gun laws and revoking any gun-carry law that passes. Any legislation limiting the Constitutional right to bear arms, however, is considered dead on arrival by most observers. Trump tweeted at 4:07 AM, “Try to knock down gun required-carry laws and be jailed. You are against the Constitution. Un American. Would stand no chance in my Supreme Court.”

In a related news item, Donald Trump Jr. announced this morning the opening of a new chain of retail outlets with the name,  “Son’s Guns,” which he said by the end of 2019 will have over 1,000 outlets “located in every city, town and hamlet in the United States.”  Following the press conference stock prices of every major gun manufacturer had risen by over 25%  and were still rising at the time of publishing of this article.

Ryan concluded the press conference by thanking the reporters who attended and stated, “This is a great day for America. It will be my legacy along with the deficit reducing, tax breaks we Republicans passed. Praise to our beloved President! He is truly making America great again. Promises made, promises kept.”






3 thoughts on “Faux News Breaking News: US Congress Set To Curtail Gun Violence. Again.

  1. Like all great satire, Faux News cleverly weaves the sad-but-true facts with fantastical elements, and I never quite know which is which…I had assumed those gun statistics were exaggerated, but I just checked and saw that they are not. Wow, the US is an extreme outlier among developed countries in peacetime…wow.

  2. Joe,

    Timely topic. Too often a timely topic. After the Parkland High School shooting I wrote an open letter to Georgia’s senators which ran in the local paper. In it I called on them to sponsor legislation that, without limiting gun ownership, would curb the ability of nuts to get off twenty or thirty or fifty rounds before having to reload. Regulate the capacity of the magazines and clips that seem to be one of the common denominators in mass shootings. I’m still waiting for them to respond.

    There was never a gun in my house, including childhood, until the Manson killings in California. I was an intern at the time, which meant that Guthrie was home alone many nights. I still own it and one other. One has a seven shot capacity, the other six. Hunters here are limited to three shots without reloading. I can think of no legitimate reason why any law abiding citizen should need an oversized magazine.

    Background checks are fine and probably need beefing up. The problem with that approach, however, is at least twofold. First, there is the problem of how even a well trained professional can delineate with any degree of precision who is OK and who isn’t. Second, a man (Has there ever been a female mass shooter?) may be perfectly sane when he buys a gun only to lose it years later.

    Thanks for the communique from Serge. Great article he wrote.

    Best to all,

    JGK (I eschew my usual nickname for these comments!)

  3. Joe etal, great satire. I have acquaintances who would promote exactly that: a gun in every hand.

    But I have been slightly uplifted by news that Giffords PAC has done something unthinkable:
    help defeat some big NRA supporters. Of the eleven (11) targets which they plastered on a poster
    which I have hanging on my kitchen cupboard door, 7 of those bastards have gone down ( in infamy)
    to defeat at the hands of 7 Democrats. Yes, all those who received thousands of dollars from the NRA
    were Republicans. Not one was a Democrat. The Republicans own this gun violence legacy, in my mind. Despite this
    recent win by Democrats, I don’t underestimate the NRA to come back as they have in the past.
    Gabby was a gun owner, as she says in her book Enough. People who say she wants to take your guns away
    are as disingenuous as Trump himself.
    Sorry to be so partisan but I have to be honest.

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