“Okay, God.” An Exclusive Interview by Faux News

In an unusual and extraordinary journalistic coup, our reporter-on-the-spot was able to get up to the Pearly Gates and return with this exclusive interview with God. Unfortunately for some unknown reason God’s comments did not come through on the tape recorder, so what you read below is a verbatim transcript of only one side of the interview:

Okay, God. Thanks for agreeing to the interview, and I want to get straight to the point. First of all, you are all powerful, right? I mean you created the world and all the planets and the stars, galaxies and the whole universe and everything in it, right?

Silence

Yes, I can imagine that it was a lot of hard work, but if you are powerful as surely you must be if you did all this stuff, then how come you allowed the gunman in New Zealand to kill all those innocent people yesterday?

Silence

Yes, I understand that you have decided to take a hands-off approach like a loving parent who watches a wayward child so that the child can learn on his own. I know you aren’t a helicopter parent, but still….

Silence

I know that it is not right for a mere Earthling to question your motives. You have got your reasons, but still you have also got to admit that your hands-off approach has its problems. A lot of really bad people have messed things up big time. You know who they are—Hitler, Stalin, Pol Pot, Saddam, Mao, and so many other dictators and so many just bad people, like the gunman in New Zealand—and that is just the tip of the iceberg.

Silence

Okay, I can see why you are disappointed about how we humans turned out on the planet Earth. I can surely understand that. And I can understand that that makes you sad.

Silence

Yes, I do feel sorry for you and know that it must hurt to see the way it has turned out down there, but what I am asking is why you haven’t done something about it.

Silence

All right, I will accept your answer about free will and all that, and I suppose you have your reasons for setting it up this way. And I also really appreciate it when you do step in and help ordinary people when we experience horrible things and challenges. I know a lot of people who have personally benefited as indeed as I have, so I would like to say thanks for what you do, but I am just wondering if you maybe could do more….

Silence

Yes, I agree that there is a lot that I do not know about. And I also want to thank you for, as you say, “giving us a glimpse” every now and then.

Silence

Yes, I do call myself a Christian and appreciate that you sent Jesus to give us a clue, along with other holy people. And I also agree that it is too bad that most of the time we humans just don’t get it. So thanks for doing that. It does help, but you need to know that there are a lot of us down there on Earth who will never get it and need more clues….

Silence

Really? You will take that under advisement? 

Silence

What do you mean, “But if I paid more attention, I would realize that it is already happening all the time”?

Silence

Okay, I will try to pay better attention. But what about the natural disasters and the “acts of God” that insurance policies don’t reimburse people for? I know that every year there are a bunch of legal cases suing the National Council of Churches for “acts of God” that aren’t covered by insurance, but none of these has held up in court. What are all these natural disasters, plagues, famines, floods, and calamities all about?

Silence

Yes, I admit that there are things that if you told me, I would not be able to understand. So I will accept your refusal to answer, but I can’t help asking if you might have messed up a time or two when you were creating everything from scratch and setting up all the ground rules. I can’t help asking that if you had to do it all over again, if you would have done it differently.

Silence

Yes, I do accept that you have only one shot at creating a universe and what is, is. I agree that you did the best you could under the circumstances. You have to let the chips fall and let what happens, happen. Don’t feel too bad about this. We all make mistakes, and there is no need to “shed a tear,” as you say.

Silence

What’s that? You say you are shedding tears, but are not shedding tears about the universe so much as about something else? What is that, God, why all of a sudden do you seem so upset?

Silence

You are watching one of your prize creations do what?

Very Long Silence

You mean the planet Earth? You are watching us self-destruct? Go down the tubes? And that is the reason you granted the interview? So someone with a face-to-face interview– though of course I really do not mean this literally because all I can do is hear you–but so someone like me can let others on Earth know how you feel? That is why you gave Faux News an exclusive?

Silence

Of course, I hear how distressed you are. You put such faith in us. As you say, there aren’t that many places in the universe quite like us. We had such potential and now we are destroying what you made. I can see why you are so upset, but can’t you just step in and do something about it?

Silence

Yes, yes. I know, I know. This is just not the way you work. I have to tell you that if you ask me, I think you could have given yourself a better job description, but as you say, what is, is.

Silence

What’s that, God? Not much time? How much? Decades, centuries, millennia? How much, if we don’t change our ways?

Silence

Okay, God. I know that it all depends. Rest assured. I will be sure people down there on Earth know you have added your name to the “Concerned About Climate Change” list. But I wish I could say it would make a difference. I know how hard it is for us humans when you lose something you love so much. It must be even harder for you—especially if you are talking about a planet which is so special. Okay, God, I will spread the word. And, God, thanks so much for the interview. I know how busy you are. So, I guess I will head back down. I will see you later….

Short Silence

What do you mean, “Don’t count your chickens….?” That’s a joke, right?

Very Short Silence

Okay, God. Understood. I get it. The stakes are high.Thanks again! See you around….

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.