Faux News Exclusive: We Have The Full Mueller Report!

In another stunning journalistic coup, Faux News has been able to secure a complete copy of the entire Mueller Report. The report is 575 pages long and deals extensively with all aspects of the investigation of Hillary Clinton’s email scandal. In fact only the first seven pages actually deal with the Trump collusion question and only one page with the obstruction of justice question. Mueller concludes that Trump was “too stupid to collude with anyone, especially Russia,” and that was the end of the investigation. As to obstruction Mueller concluded, “We have no idea about this. Somebody else has to figure it out.”

When asked why he spent over 500 pages dealing with the Clinton email scandal and only eight pages on Trump’s alleged misdoings, Mueller commented that the email scandal was far more serious since there is no telling who has been able to read what she wrote using her unsecured email server. Also since former FBI director James Comey left the question unanswered, Mueller felt the Special Counsel had to set the record straight once and for all. Mueller’s conclusion was that there was not enough evidence to come to any conclusions about Hillary and that another Special Counsel investigation was probably warranted.

Since reports of the Mueller report’s detailed findings have leaked out, the president has claimed complete exoneration and is calling for “Lock Her Up” rallies to be held all across the nation starting this weekend and continuing unabated until the Monday before election day 2020. The rallies have already begun with Senator Lindsay Graham leading “lock her up” chants at Mar-A-Lago this past weekend.  Trump’s devoted base has in the words of Senator Graham, “gone ape-shit,” and there are already reports of marches in cities across the country with people carrying signs saying on one side “No Collusion” and on the other “Lock Her Up!” and others that say “McCain Sucks!” Trump’s approval rating has sky rocketed from 41% to 42%, and most pundits on Fox News are predicting a landslide victory for the president in 2020. 

When someone pointed out to the president that Hillary Clinton is not planning to run in 2020 and that John McCain is dead, he replied, “You never know. We will see what happens.”

Democrats, while declaring that they are overjoyed the Special Counsel did not indict Hillary Clinton with serious crimes, are at a loss to figure out what to do next. Of the 42 candidates that have already announced that they are running for president, every one has expressed dissatisfaction with the fact that such a small part of the report actually focused on Trump. The Special Counsel’s office has responded by noting that almost 40 indictments have been issued with dozens convicted or who have pleaded guilty. They say they believed there was no need to put this in the report since it was apparent that the nation was primarily concerned about Hillary Clinton’s misuse of emails. 

Most experts agree that instead of settling the matter of Trump’s guilt or innocence once and for all, all the Mueller investigation has done is to solidify the two warring camps, those supporting the president and those who support the 42 announced Democratic candidates or “any grownup in the room whose name is not Trump.” The House investigations of Trump’s misdeeds will continue in earnest and are likely to suck a lot of energy away from passing progressive legislation regarding expanding health care and making it more affordable and addressing infrastructure, income inequality, immigration reform, climate change and sane foreign policy. Trump will continue to fight back and rally his base. His recent tweets have become even more enlivened, claiming he never knew anyone by the name of Stormy Daniels, never contemplated building a hotel in Moscow and never told a lie or associated with anyone who did. “The only big lie we have to worry about,” he tweeted “is climate change. Biggest lie of all. Not happening, never will.”

And so goes the new normal in our nation’s capital.

3 thoughts on “Faux News Exclusive: We Have The Full Mueller Report!

  1. thank god he is dumb! but so is his “base” and it is not a complete blessing.
    everywhere apparently, we want to get rid of corruption and pollution
    together we may succeed and finally grow up
    let’s hope so.

  2. Joe,

    I read this morning that the mayor of Miramar, Florida has thrown his hat into the ring. So when is your announcement?

    Jimmy

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