Faux News Apology: We Wuz Tricked!

The editors of Faux News were tricked. The copy of the Mueller Report that was delivered secretly to us was actually the Comey report on Hillary Clinton’s alleged “illegal and traitorous” emails, not the actual Mueller report, which no one except Barr and Rosenstein have seen, and no one else probably ever will see according to our inside sources. They tricked us by adding a couple of pages at the beginning to make us think it was the real Mueller report. We fell for it. Shame on us!

But that does not mean that we are defeated. We have our own journalistic arsenal of weapons, the most important being the cadre of so-called “White House servants,” who are actually our spies, and they are wired. These are the people who bring coffee and donuts to the subjects of our secret investigations. Here is the latest taped conversation that occurred on Thursday, March 28, in Attorney General Barr’s office with key Trump advisors, Mike Mulvaney, Sarah Huckabee Sanders, Kellyanne Conway, Rudy Giuliani, and Stephen Miller:

Mulvaney: I have called you to this meeting at the office of the Attorney General to discuss next steps for our revered president and where we go from here now that Mueller has completely exonerated him. By the way, Billy, great show! Terrific job! We knew you could do.

Barr: Glad to help out. 

Mulvaney: Just to be clear, it is over, right? The Mueller report gets deep-sixed and no one sees it? Never will see the light of day. Right?

Barr: Was there ever any doubt?  Sure, we will have to release some of it to keep the dogs at bay, but it will be harmless. No collusion, no obstruction. Remember, it is unconstitutional to question the absolute right of any sitting president to do what he wants, where he wants and when he wants. Certainly not our “Exalted One.” Game over.

Giuliani: Thank you, Jesus!

Barr: Who?

Giuliani: Not you, Billy, just a saying.

Mulvaney: But I was just wondering, first, did you actually read the report, and second is there er, I mean, er, well…is there anything in it that might be, you know, kinda bad for the president?

Barr: Of course I read it.

Sanders: I am sure you did and I do not question you. But with all due respect, Mr. Attorney General, it was over 300 pages, and you issued your conclusions in only a few hours.

Barr: I am a speed-reader, ok? Well, since I am among friends sworn to secrecy, I do admit I might have skimmed part of it. But the real question is why should I read any of it in the first place? It is a waste of time. Read my famous treatise on the presidency. Presidents are above the law. They make the law. What they do is the law.

In any event I will swear under oath that I did not personally read a single sentence that was critical of the president or leave open any doubt as to his complete innocence, which when you think about it is pretty clever since I skipped over those parts. 

Giuliani: Brilliant! So what happens next?

Sanders: Yes, what do I tell the press?

Conway: You tell them how great the president is, how he is loved and respected by the American people, how he has made America great again, and is feared by the entire world. And how he is now vindicated, exonerated and completely innocent, how this proves he has never lied or done anything wrong, ever, and what a great day it is for the United States. And, oh yes, how he has been maligned and deeply hurt by irresponsible people who have committed treasonous acts.

Sanders: Will do. Thank you, Kellyanne. No one knows our president better than you do.

Giuliani: But this is just the start. We now go after his enemies, the enemies of the people. They have falsely accused the president, and this falls into the category of treason, like Kellyanne says. They are traitors and must be brought to justice.

Sanders: Who are they?

Giuliani: The usual suspects. You know, Sessions, Comey, Flake, Corker, Cohen, the no good rat, everyone else who copped pleas and told lies, John McCain…

Sanders: I thought McCain was dead.

Giuliani: Okay, check that one off the list. And, of course, all the fake journalists and so called pundits– everyone at CNN and MSNBC, the New York Times and the Washington Post every Democrat in the House and Senate and every Democrat running for office…And, of course, Mueller, and everyone in the FBI and Justice Department who worked on the report. And—how could I have not put her first– Hillary. Very long list. Hang ‘em all! 

Sanders: I thought that they now use lethal injection.

Giuliani: Whatever.

Conway: But I thought that the Mueller report totally exonerated the president. Why hang Mueller and all the people who worked on the report that were on Mueller’s team?

Giuliani: Oh yeah, check those people off the list, but as a practical matter, do we really know what is actually in the report? He could have said some bad things. Oh, never mind. Not that important…

Miller: Fine, fine. It is a great day for the president and for our country and for the world. But you people are missing something. Now that the president has been completely cleared from any wrongdoing and has been shown to be honorable in every respect, like George Washington, never having told a lie….

Sanders: Stephen, don’t get too carried away.

Miller: Hear me out. This is our chance to strike back legislatively. This is our opening for the policy agenda that we have had in our tool kit, just waiting for the right opportunity. Now that the traitorous accusations about collusion and obstruction are behind us, it is time to open the tool kit. It is our chance to change the world forever!

Sanders: So what is in the tool kit?

Miller: A lot. So pay attention. The first is to pull the plug out of the life support system keeping the hideous ACA alive. We will kill it, using the courts this time. We have the votes on the Supreme Court, so it is just a matter of time. I am sure Roberts will come around. But in the meantime we go on a full court press to convince the American people that Obamacare is the worst thing to ever happen to them and must be stopped.

Conway: But Steve, you know that many in America like it. We have been telling the American people how bad it is  for almost ten years, but that story line does not stick. That is what the polls show. Over 170 million Americans will be affected if Obamacare is declared unconstitutional without a replacement. Over 20 million will lose all insurance.

Miller: So what? They won’t like Obamacare after we hit them with the most aggressive PR campaign of all time, and it is already funded by big donors, who, of course, will remain anonymous. We are talking billions of dollars for ads and PR here. Plus aggressive social media. Don’t think we didn’t learn anything from the Russians. And think of the money the U.S. tax payers will save when 20 million deadbeats come off the Medicaid rolls and tens of billions more dollars are saved from the other failed health care programs.

Sanders: But will we have a plan to replace it?

Miller: That is not the point. The point is to brainwash the American public…

Conway: Steve, do not use that word.

Miller: Okay, “convince” the American public that this is the right thing, the American Way. But actually we do have a plan. The plan is let the private sector do what it does best and for the government to get the hell out of the way.

Sanders: It may be hard to sell that, but if all the reporters and fake news people are locked up….

Miller: Exactly. And that feeds into my second point. Curtailing irresponsible free speech and not allowing any treasonous talk or action to happen again. I believe that the five votes in our pocket on the Court will come through on this as well. The First Amendment will be transformed, and this is essential if we are to achieve our Big Goal, which I will get to shortly.

Giuliani: So far so good. Roberts could be a problem there as well, but as you say, he will probably come around when he realizes what is at stake. What else you got for us?

Miller: Climate change. This is a hoax and the president knows it, and Trump’s base knows it. Using social media and a new “public information” campaign  financed by anonymous, deep pocket donors from coal and oil companies, we will kill most of the EPA’s onerous regs and the whole agency too. Just a matter of time, and this means jobs for oil and coal workers. The president’s base will love it. We are prepared to fight the world on this one.

Giuliani: Keep going. This is wonderful.

Miller: The so called safety net and all the bullshit about equality? People aren’t equal. Never have been and never will be. The U.S. spends too much money funding deadbeats and losers. Failed programs like Medicaid, food stamps, aid for poor kids, and even Medicare and Social Security. Money down the tubes. Yeah, I know there may be some pushback from Democrats, but Republicans are now lap dogs of the president and will support anything we do. We say jump, they ask how high. There is no longer a Republican Party anyway. It is now the Party of Trump.

Giuliani: Steve, you are a genius. But what about the Democrats? You know they will go crazy.

Miller: I have another tool for that. We have already been using it. Curtail the irresponsible, loose voting rights that are now way too prevalent. The founding fathers never intended for everyone to vote. Slaves could not vote, women could not vote. Hell, for a long time men who did not own real property could not vote. We have got to get back to the basics and the original intent of the founders and keep people who not deserve to vote from voting. And we all know they are mostly Democrats. This will take time, but with five  Supreme Court Justices in our pocket, it will happen. And you can bet we will use all the firepower we have—social media, advertising, PR. Already funded by the Koch brothers.

Giuliani: I get happier with every word you speak.

Miller: And, finally, immigrants. Build the entire wall and get ICE to lock up or deport the 11 million illegals, and do it now. It will mean adding about 500 times as many officers–a small army, really–but that will also mean jobs for supporters of the president. We will need about a hundred more private prisons, and think of the construction jobs this will create. Trump’s base will love it. We will pay for it by cutting off the deadbeats using Medicaid.

Conway: Got anything else in that kit?

Miller: Yeah, the Big One. Put on your seatbelts for this one. What we really need in this county is long term stability. Two term limits are not enough when you have a truly great president like Donald Trump. I have a plan to change that once and for all and am sure it will work.

Giuliani: Can you tell us more?

Miller: Not now. Got to run. Meeting with the president. May have to involve the military, but other countries have done this before, and we can too, but this will have to wait for later….By the way, I have presented this agenda to the president and he is on board 100%. The treason stuff is already happening.

Giuliani: Brilliant!

Mulvaney: Okay, everyone back to work. Fabulous meeting! And thanks again, Billy, for your excellent, in-depth summary of the Mueller report. A great day for America and a bright future for us and for the world. Long live President Trump!

Others (in unison): Long live President Trump!

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