Faux News Series Continues: Okay, God.

Our reporter has done it again—a second interview with God. Here is the transcript:

Okay, God. Thanks for granting a second interview. You are great to do this.

Silence

Yes, I do in fact have something on my mind and that has been bothering me for a long time actually. What I want to know is how come with humans when we get old we get ugly?

Silence.

Well, I appreciate that you don’t think we humans look ugly when we get old. And, yes, I know you love us, each and every one, but still when I look in the mirror I see someone with white hair, wrinkles, and getting balder by the day. I know I do not look like I used to in my forties and fifties. You have got to admit that I looked better then. And there is also my weight. It seems almost impossible to get back to what I weighed then. You may think I don’t look ugly, but I think so.

Silence

Thanks again, God. This makes me feel better that I do not look as bad  as I think I do, but still. And here is my question: why humans? Why did you pick on us? What I mean by this is this: Like a lot of people, I have owned pets—dogs, cats, fish, whatever. Now these pets all got old and eventually died, but just looking at them when they got up in years, you could not tell they were all that old. Have you ever seen a wrinkle on a fish? Why not? A dog with hair that turned from brown to white when he got old? Ditto for a cat? Okay, they all slowed down when they got old, but what I mean is they did not look all that much different from what they always looked like. Even our closest cousins, apes and chimps. When you see one in the zoo, it is not obvious who is up there in years and who is not? Why not? Why have you made us humans this way and nobody else this way? I have got  to say that I do not think it is fair.

Silence

Yes, I do agree that we live longer than most species, and I would like to thank you for that. I still do not think that we humans live long enough as it is, but if you lose your hair, shrivel up, have trouble remembering what you had for breakfast, and can barely move, who wants to live all that much longer anyway? And by the way, elephants and sea turtles live about as long as we humans do. Old sea turtles don’t have wrinkles as far as I know, and old elephants don’t have white hair. And it is not just pets and creatures you see in the zoo. What about other creatures in this world you made? What about worms, for example, lowly worms? You can put a bunch of worms on a table of all different ages and I swear, you can’t tell the difference between an infant, teenager or old codger. 

Silence

What is that? Oh yeah, I guess you are right , worms can tell the difference. Thanks for clarifying that.

Silence

Yes, God, there is something else, and it is related. I think that I understand why you invented menopause. No woman has any business trying to raise a child when  she is much over forty. I get this. I would say, good thinking. But what about us guys? We don’t really do that much raising kids anyway, so why when we get up in years do we lose, you know what I am talking about, why do we lose our “get up and go”? 

Silence

Yes, I do appreciate your giving us Viagra, and it does seem to help somewhat. But still I do not understand why….

Silence

Yes, God, I am familiar with the Bible and have read “The Book of Genesis.”

Silence

So that is the reason! The apple! You mean we humans are still paying the price for Adam and Eve eating the apple, the forbidden fruit? Well, first of all it seems to me that it was really Eve’s fault. She offered it to Adam, but I have to concede that he did take a bite. But getting ugly when we get old–that seems like a big price for us humans to pay for what seems to me to be a pretty small mistake. Cruel and unusual punishment is what I would call it. When do you think you will determine that we humans have paid our dues and served our time and can go back to what you had in mind for us in the first place. I can’t imagine that either Adam or Eve would have had any wrinklesMy recommendation would be that you let us live on for as long as you like but let us keep our 25 to 30-year old body for a as long as we want. 

Silence

Yes, I am a church goer. My mother once told me that I was not a Christian, however, because I was already an Episcopalian, and I am what they call a cradle-to-grave Episcopalian. And that brings me to another grievance. In the Episcopal Church we say the creed every Sunday, and one creed we often say is called the Apostles Creed. It says in the Apostles Creed that I believe “in the resurrection of the body.” So this gets back to my aging questions. We live with our body on Earth for what, maybe 75 or 80 years, if we are sort of average? But when we get resurrected, we are stuck with the body that we die with for eternity. So if I die at age 75 or 80, I am going to have a pretty grim eternity because I will be stuck with a body that, frankly, I do not like all that  much. So given a choice, who would want to have to deal with an 80 year-old body forever if they could trade it in for, say, a 25 or 30-year-old body? But nobody wants to die when you are 25, but if somehow you could work it out that we could actually choose which body we get to use for eternity, that would be really great. 

Silence

Just a suggestion, God. I know you know what you are doing. And I really appreciate your saying you will give the idea some thought. And I also appreciate your saying, “Don’t necessarily believe everything you read.”

3 thoughts on “Faux News Series Continues: Okay, God.

  1. Ha! I once asked an aging friend how it felt to be growing old, and he said, “Well, it’s better than the alternative!”

  2. But what if you have the body of a 77 year old and the mind of a 20 something
    and the 20 somethings don’t think you are so hot?
    My friend the psych. social worker tells me
    “you can look at the menu, but you can’t order”. Life’s hard…..
    ( Don’t tell my wife).

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