Faux News: Inside the Meeting to Reopen America

Our Faux News reporter, disguised as a medic with a thermometer to assure the absence of covid-19 by taking the temperature of all those present at the high-level meeting yesterday, secretly recorded the following unedited discussion. Those present included Vice President Pence, Attorney General Barr, Treasury Secretary Mnuchin, health advisers, Doctors Fauci and Birx and three unidentified advisers.

Trump: I am sick of this shit. It is time to reopen the country and reopen it now. I want it done tomorrow. Does anyone have any idea how much money I am losing every day on my shuttered hotels and resorts? This stay-at-home stuff has totally gotten out of hand, and now unemployment is hitting the double digits. I am sick, sick, sick of this, and the American people won’t stand for it.

Pence: Thank you, Mr. President. I agree with everything you say. I always agree with everything you say. You are the greatest, the best president we have ever had. I am so lucky to have the honor of serving you. The American public loves you. You are not capable of making a mistake, Ever. Thank you, thank you, thank you….

Trump: Enough Pence. What do the rest of you think?

Barr: Agree.

Mnuchin: Agree.

Fauci: Not so fast, Mr. President. The physical distancing is working. The stay-at-home orders are working. That is why the projections have gone down from 60,000 deaths to maybe 40,000, but if we were to stop the distancing and the stay-at-home orders, the projections could easily jump to well over 100,000 deaths and perhaps as much as over one million deaths in the U.S. The problem is we really don’t know, and we can’t know without testing, and we do not have the testing we need yet.

Trump: Yes, we do. I have said many times that anyone in the U.S. who wants to get tested can get tested immediately.

Fauci: With all due respect, Mr. President, that is not the case. We are working on getting the tests out, but having the proper number is still weeks, maybe months away.

Trump: Fauci, you are fired.

(Fauci exits the room.)

Trump: Birx, what about you?

Birx: With respect, sir, I am afraid to say that I have to agree with Tony. We can’t risk seeing the deaths go up astronomically. The time will come when we can go back to something approaching normalcy, but we will not be able to do this until we are able to test millions of more people. Every health expert in the country agrees with us on this.

Trump: Not the ones on Fox News. Birx, you are fired.

(Birx exits the room.)

Trump: Now that the fake experts are gone, we can get down to business. I am going to announce at the briefing that everyone is expected to be at work on Monday and to throw the face masks in the waste basket. The fake pandemic is over, and America is going back to work. It is time to celebrate, and I want to see everyone in church on Easter Day, except for me, of course. I can’t get out of my scheduled golf game. Anyone not showing up for work on Monday will be jailed. Now let’s do it. I want those unemployment numbers going down. Now!

Barr: Bravo, Mr. President! I will get the ball rolling.

Adviser 1: With respect, Mr. President, you may want to slow this down a bit, and you may want to reconsider firing your healthcare experts. It will not play well with the press corps except, of course, for Fox News.

Trump: Have you seen my TV ratings? I am killing them. Off the charts! My ratings will really soar when everyone is back at work. And who cares about the fake press anyway? Nobody gives a twit about the lying bastards. Hunter Biden will not have a chance.

Adviser 1: You mean Joe Biden? In any event, sir, we honor you and believe you know best. I will withdraw my objection.

Pence: Good move, young man. The president is always right. Always. He never has made a mistake. He is incapable of making a mistake. Thank you, Mr. President. Thank you so much. You are so great! Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you….

Trump: Enough Pence. Anyone else have any objections?

Adviser 2: Of course, Mr. President, I agree with you too like everyone else in the room right now. We all agree with you. But I feel, sir, obligated to point out the political risk if we are not careful. Two things. First, I believe the governors of the states will have the last say on this. This is really in their court.

Trump: Barr, is he right on this?

Barr: Mr. President. You can do anything you damn well please.

Trump: Thanks, Bill. Second point?

Adviser 2: According to the experts, we could see many more deaths if the stay-at-home and distancing orders are softened, and the number may spike near election time into the hundreds of thousands. That might not look good for your reelection.

Trump: Do you think for one moment that I give a flying twit about how many die? Most are old codgers who are going to die anyway. I just do not understand why this is such a big deal. People die all the time. And besides the vast majority are poor and black. Do you think anyone cares about them?

Adviser 2: Of course, I agree. We all agree. All I am saying is that it may not look good, and it may cost you votes. Plus, if you argue for everyone going back to work and the Democratic governors don’t go along with you, then you can blame the unemployment figures on them. You will be the hero.

Trump: Ok, I see your point. But what I want to know is this: Is it possible to hold back all federal aid to the blue states and the states where the governors do not appreciate me or say kind things about me?

Barr: Mr. President, you can do anything you damn well please.

Adviser 3: That is correct, Mr. President, we all agree with you, and we all know that you do not make errors, but what we believe makes the most sense is to take it a tad slower. Yes, screw the Democrats, yes, screw the governors, and yes, let the masses die, but do not do it in a way that might look bad, at least for now, until your reelection is assured. We humbly and respectfully request that you do not fire Fauci and Birx right now but delay that and delay opening up America until May 1– and then you do all you can to screw the governors who do not comply, but try to keep it under the radar.

(prolonged silence)

Trump: Ok, I will make the announcement. May 1 it is, and for now I won’t fire my fake experts, at least not yet, but do not think for one moment that I will take anything they say seriously. And by the way, Barr, I want you working on making absentee voting illegal…

Barr: I am on it, Mr. President.

Trump: Ok, meeting adjourned.

Pence: Thank you, Mr. President. Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you….

Trump: For God’s sake, Pence, the meeting is over.

4 thoughts on “Faux News: Inside the Meeting to Reopen America

  1. Wow, Joe, this is so true to our crazy times. We were just talking about the dangers of opening things back up too early.

    Keep this up.

  2. Prescient. Trump just retweeted a #FireFauci post…

    So how long will this remain “faux news”? Let’s hope it doesn’t come to that!

    The irony in that tweet is that Trump himself was telling people on February 29th (and every other day until mid-March) “that there was nothing to worry about and that it posed no threat to the US public at large“…

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