Faux News Exclusive: All the Fake News That is Fit to Print. “The Pope and the Pres. One-on-one.”

You did not read or see on TV anything about the secret, private conference between the Pope and President Trump with only a translator present. But we were there. Faux News bribed the translator and placed a listening device under his lapel. Here is the transcript verbatim and unedited. This is an exclusive to Faux News.

Trump: Your Highness, it is really good to meet you. I have heard a lot about you. Good things.

Translator: “Holiness.”

Trump: Same difference, but ok, “Holiness.”

Pope: Thank you, Mr. President, and thank you for coming to the Vatican.

Trump: We have a lot in common, your Reverence, and I think we are a lot alike.

Translator: “Your Holiness.”

Trump: Yeah, I meant Holiness. For one thing I read somewhere that all Popes are infallible. I actually am infallible myself.

Pope: [No comment]

Trump: And if you are infallible that means that you have never made a mistake. I also have never made a mistake. Yeah, eight bankruptcies and three wives, numerous affairs but no mistakes. You would not believe how much money I made off the bankruptcies.

Pope:[No comment]

Trump: So we can talk man to man. And what I want to talk about is the corner lot in the Vatican, which would make a fabulous site for a super luxury hotel and the best thing about it is that the trademark will be Trump Hotel but the “T” in Trump would be in the form of a crucifix, how does that sound? I have had a designer work out a sketch and would be pleased to show it to you.

Pope: Could we talk about climate change?

Trump: Now I know that you don’t want to part with the site. But I am going to make you an offer that you can’t refuse.

Pope: Perhaps we could focus for a moment on world peace.

Trump: So here is the deal. I know you aren’t interested in fighter jets, nuclear bombs, weapons of all shapes and sizes and classified U.S. intelligence though, believe me, a lot of other people are; and when I made the deal with the Saudis, they almost kissed me. Same for Netanyahu. But, your Holyman, you don’t care about those things.

Translator: “Your Holiness.”

Trump: So you know what I am going to do? If we can get this deal done, I am going to become a Roman Catholic. Do you have any idea what this might mean to your bottom line? Think of doubling or tripling your bingo intake. My followers are mainly Evangelicals and Protestants, and if I switch, they will follow me and they will put money in the offering plate. And they like to play bingo. Actually I am a Presbyterian but don’t take to them much since they don’t know how to have fun, and I would fit right in with the Catholics. Just check out my positions on abortion and women at the altar.

Pope: Perhaps we could talk about the poor and the meek, the least of these among us.

Trump: Yeah, sad, but God helps those who help themselves. I read it in the Gospel of Peter. And most are losers. I hate losers.

Pope: But didn’t a lot of these people vote for you, and if your plans come to fruition they will lose their health care, food stamps, job retraining and…

Trump: But just check this out. This is the crucifix I was talking about. There it says “Trump Hotel,” but can you believe how real Jesus looks hanging from the “T”?

Pope: Thank you very much, Mr. President. And thank you for coming to the Vatican. Our time is up and we must move on, but I will give your proposal careful consideration but suggest you do not make any radical decisions like becoming a Roman Catholic.

Trump: No sir, your Honor, no changes until a deal is done.

Translator: “Your Holiness.”

Pope: God bless you, Mr. President, and good-bye.

 

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