Faux News Special: All The Fake News That Is Fit to Print: “Trump’s Third Cabinet Meeting.”

Editor’s Note: Please excuse the absence of editions of Faux News over the past several weeks. This editor has been working feverishly on the upcoming photography exhibit entitled “Joseph Howell Photography: A 50 Year Retrospective” to be held—along with the drawings and art of Michael Martin—at the Katzen Art Center in Washington. Opening is on Saturday, June 24, from 5-7. Exhibit will run through August 4.

But fake news continues as the world turns, and here is the latest edition:

On Friday, June 16, 2017 President Trump held his third cabinet meeting. The following is the complete and unedited transcript:

Trump: Thank you all for coming. Sorry about the shooting yesterday and going forward we will try to get more guns in the hands of the good guys. Now I want to hear how each of you is doing with regard to making America Great Again. No excuses. I want it all, and I want it in great detail. Now let’s get started. Mister Vice President.

Pence: Mr. President, I am humbled that you would call on me to speak first and so grateful, so very grateful to serve under your majesty—I mean presidency–that I cannot begin to express my profound and great gratitude to you personally. At he last meeting I said I had been blessed. That was an understatement. I have been totally transformed and born again. Sir, you have already made America great again! My desire is to kiss your ring if you have one, to shine your shoes, to bow and ask for your mercy, to…

Trump: That’s enough, Pence. You are doing a fabulous job, fabulous. Thanks for sharing all you are doing. Priebus.

Priebus: Your majesty, I mean, Mister President, the Vice President does not begin to describe how much you are doing to make America Great Again and how you have turned our country into the greatest from what it was before, which was the worst, the very worst. Thank you Mister President, thank you, thank you, thank you….

Trump: Great work, Reince. You have got it exactly right. Secretary of State.

Tillerson: Sir, it is a true honor…

Trump: Thanks, Rex, you are doing a terrific job—keep it up! Secretary of the Treasury.

Mnuchin: I am so honored to serve under your rule, Mister President, and am happy to report because of you the stock market is at all time highs and you have made us all so very rich. Everyone. And this is just the beginning. Just wait ‘till your tax reform passes and the hard working one percent of us will be exempt from all taxes. The country is great because of you and you alone.

Trump: Right, Steve, and keep it up! Secretary of Defense.

Mattis: Sir, I believe it says in the Bible some place that the weak will be made strong and the strong weak. We were weak and now we are strong and it is all because of you. And it is all right there in the Bible.

Trump: Great job, Jim. Attorney General.

Sessions: Your highness, I mean, Mister President. I know who is lying and who is telling the truth—and Comey should be locked up for perjury–and you can count on me to get all those leakers locked up too–that is the only crime here, not these lies, falsehoods, innuendos and fake news about Russians for God’s sake– and that includes Hillary and her email felonies and her traitorhood. She has ruined the country with those emails, but you have made us great again! And nobody even talks about those terrible emails anymore, just about our good friends, the Russians. It is a vast, left wing conspiracy sponsored by the slimy “elite” East Coast press. Plus we all know that you were elected by the greatest landslide in American history except for those illegals who kept voting over and over, and we are going to lock them all up and send them home where they belong.

Trump: Keep fighting, Jeff. Lock ‘em up. Commerce.

Ross: Sir, because of your greatness we are trading again on our terms…

Trump: Thanks, Wilbur, I knew I could count on you. Labor.

Acosta: Sir, you have put everyone back to work just like you said you would. And you are the champion of the hard working men and women who are working to make America great again. They love you. I love you. We all love you. Just like you said, you could shoot someone on Fifth Avenue and we would all still love you, and by way, like you said, if everyone carried a gun, you wouldn’t see members of the U.S. Congress being mowed down by the Bernie Sanders campaign.

Trump: Got it, Alex, and I appreciate that. Jeff, please take care of this. Now Health and Human Services.

Price: Because of you, the failed health care system in the U.S. will soon be history and you have freed the American people from the servitude of the so called Obamacare. I know the House bill hasn’t passed the Senate yet, but insurance companies are dropping out like flies leaving people free from insurance. This is what I call making America great again and you are doing it. Thank you Mister President. A terrific accomplishment to free over 20 million people who are in bondage under this terrible Obamacare. I am so lucky to be in your Cabinet. Thank you, thank you!

Trump: No problem. Housing and Urban Development’

Carson: Sir, you are the greatest and if I had known how great you really were, I would never, NEVER, have considered running against you…

Trump: Keep up the great work, Ben. Energy.

Perry: Me too, your highness, uh greatness, I mean your Presidency. Would never have even thought about running if I had known how great you are. In fact the reason I dropped out was because after the first debate I realized how great you really are. I was the first to quit and I am proud of it, and proud to serve you.

Trump: Good decision, Rick. The U.N.

Haley: Yes, Mister President. The U.S. is back. We are number one again. We are feared. We are admired. And the whole world now knows this, thanks, of course, to you. America IS great again and everyone knows this.

Trump: Great job you are doing, Nikki. Now I realize that there are some of you who have not had a chance to tell us all that you are doing to make America great again. So I would simply ask you to tweet me and tell me everything in detail just like your fellow cabinet members have done. One tweet each will be enough, but don’t leave out anything. And thank each of you for sharing your ideas and all the details of all the great work you are doing. I can now proclaim that we are back: because of what you all have told me in this very important Cabinet meeting, I know that America is truly great again.

5 thoughts on “Faux News Special: All The Fake News That Is Fit to Print: “Trump’s Third Cabinet Meeting.”

  1. Joe–Not much of a challenge to write this column in as much as all you had to do was “slightly” modify the actual transcript from the first fantastic Cabinet meeting. Unbelievable!!! I truly believe there was one Cabinet member under the table kissing his Majesty’s shoes.

    1. You are exactly correct. When you think about it, it is almost exactly what happened in the second press conference. I expect the fourth and fifth and all following will be quite similar except the cast of characters may change as the tangled web grows.

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