Faux News Exclusive: All The Fake News That Is Fit to Print: “Trump/Putin Meeting At the G20 Summit.”

The long awaited meeting at the G20 Summit between Trump and Putin occurred with no reporters present—except for Faux News. Here is the abridged but truthful, partial transcript of the two-hour meeting:

Trump: Mr. Putin, I am so glad to be with you again. The secret meeting we had at the beauty pageant did not give us enough time to really get to know each other. You know that you are my hero and role model.

Putin: Thank you, Mister President. It is my honor.

Trump: May I call you Vladdy?

Putin: Of course. May I call you Donny-Boy?

Trump: No problem. My first question is simply to confirm what you and I already know to be true—that Russia had nothing whatsoever to do with any meddling in our election. 

Putin: Of course not, Donny-Boy, we would never do anything like that.

Trump: That is what I thought. Those phony intelligence reports drive me crazy. I am fighting the Deep State where these no good bureaucrats care more about their country than about me. Fake reports. All the stuff I get from these scoundrels, these so called intelligence agents is fake.

Putin: Donny-Boy, I feel sorry for you.

Trump: Now, Vladdy, let’s move on to other more important things. What I want to know is why and how you are so popular. Now I am also very popular but not as popular as you. I won the election, thanks to you and your operatives, by the largest margin in all of American history when you take into account all the illegal aliens and thugs that voted time after time illegally. My popularity right now is also the highest any American president has ever had when you discount the fake polls by the fake press.   But what really pisses me off is these talk shows and phony pundits like Joe and Mika and all the slime balls at CNN, the New York Times and the Washington Post. They hate me for no good reason other than sour grapes. They don’t want to make America great again. I’m making America great again. They hate me for that. What can I do about it?

Putin: Jail ‘em.

Trump: You mean just lock ‘em up like I want to lock up Hillary?

Putin: Of course, Donny-Boy. Everyone knows that a free press destroys democracy. If you want to really make America great again, the first thing you do is jail the fake press. It is quite simple. America won’t ever be truly great until you restore true freedom of speech by locking up the fake press. Just check my approval ratings of over 80%. Do you think that would be the case if I allowed a bunch of malcontents and sore losers to dump on me all the time?

Trump: Great idea, Vladdy. That is how we can restore freedom of speech. How about it, Rex?

Tillerson: Well, Mr. President, we do have a constitution. There is something in it about freedom of speech.

Trump: How many new Supreme Court appointees will it take to change that?

Putin: We have a constitution too, but with the right approach you can get around such technicalities.

Trump: Start to work on it, Rex.

Tillerson: Will do, Mr. President.

Trump: Now about cyber security. Is there any way that you can help us with this since you guys seem to be much better at this sort of thing than we are?

Putin: I would be delighted to help you, Donny-Boy, and keep America from ever being violated like you were in the last election. To do this, of course, we will need you to turn over all classified information from your NSA and CIA. Of course, we already have most of what we need, but this would make our job easier. With this information, I can personally guarantee you that you will never be cyber attacked by a hostile power.

Trump: Thank you, Vladdy. You are a true inspiration. Get to work on it, Rex.

Putin: Is there anything else on your agenda, Donny-Boy?

Trump: How can we work better together to kill the terrorist, Islamic menace and to keep those terrible Europeans from messing things up?

Putin: Jail ‘em. The Europeans, that is–especially Merkel and Macron. As for the Islamists, kill them. We will help you on that.

Trump: Thanks, Vladdy. Rex, can you work on this?

Tillerson: Yesser, Mr. President.

Putin: Now, Donny-Boy, in exchange for helping you with cyber security and killing terrorists, I want the sanctions lifted and I want them lifted NOW. I want our mansions back and I want our people back in the U.S. doing their jobs.

Trump: Rex, could you work on this?

Tillerson: Yesser, Mr. President, but the Congress is opposed, even Republicans.

Putin: Jail ‘em.

Trump: Work on it, Rex. And there is one more thing, Vladdy. All this stuff about climate change. We do not believe in climate change in the U.S. but we are the only country in the world that is taking this position. It makes us look bad when all the other G20 countries and the other countries move forward on the Paris Accord and say bad things about us. Do you think that you could change your position and join us? This would help you mine more coal and sell more oil. And it would make us look good.

Putin: No dice, Donny-Boy. Even I believe in climate change. But I can help you in other ways. We can form a new alliance which the whole world would fear—the new Russo-American alliance for freedom, justice and making the world great again. How about it?

Trump: Will have to work on this one. Not sure I can get the approval from Congress yet. But give me some time. They will be passing the health care bill this week which will take away health care from the poor and give billions to the rich, then the tax break bill for the rich the week following, then scrapping most federal agencies after that. I am sure that by August they will be ready to approve the new alliance and then America—and Russia!—will truly be great again.

Putin: Thank you, Donny-Boy. Very constructive meeting.

Trump: Indeed, Vladdy. See you soon I hope.

 

 

One thought on “Faux News Exclusive: All The Fake News That Is Fit to Print: “Trump/Putin Meeting At the G20 Summit.”

  1. I’m so glad that your media outlet was able to attend the meeting. Now we can get the REAL Faux News and sort it out from the Faux Fox News.

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